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I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent
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I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.
I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.
I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.
Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.
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Hello dear Tess,
I love how you say things as you see it. "the cape of doom" - so so true. Oh nooooooo about your haircut. I'm sure it's not as bad as you think it is. Good on you for going though. I do hope you are going ok Tess. Thank you for your post.
Sending you peaceful thoughts and care.
Lee
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Merry Christmas Beautiful Friend Lee,
Im really sorry that I havenโt been here to say hello and thank you for your kind caring posts...I hope your doing better then okay...
Good Night Sweet Friend Lee..Iโll be back soon then you will probably get sick of me.
Love and hugs ๐๐๐๐ค๐ค๐ค๐ค๐ค..not just words..
Grandy
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Hello lovely Grandy,
Ohmy goodness, no need to be sorry dear friend. You need to look after YOU first. I'm good. Please just take care of you ๐ค๐คโคโค
Sending you love and care xx
Merry Christmas Grandy ๐๐
Lee
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Hello Lee,
I have left something for you on โbouquet of pearlsโ thread, if you feel to check it out..Thank you so very much for being the lovely and beautiful person you are...Iโll bbl...
love you...
Grandy๐ผ
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Hello Lovely Lee,
I just wanted to call in with a bottle of Red wine, a packet of pistachios and some chocolates and also ask you.....RUOK?
Thinking of you beautiful friend....
Love and hugs...๐๐๐๐ค๐ค๐ค๐ค๐ค๐ค๐ค๐๐๐๐...
Grandy๐ผ..
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Hello lovely Grandy,
Thank you for the wine, nuts and chocolates...and of course, your thoughts and care. I'm a little down.....but am ok. I've been painting, riding my bike to the beach and spending beautiful time with Iszy.
I hope everything is going ok for you beautiful friend โค๐โค๐๐ค๐ค.
Love and care always
Lee
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Hello beautiful Lee,
Im sorry that you struggling and are a little down..
Do you have some creativity in you...Is it okay if I ask you what you have painted, I am not at all a good painter ๐ฉโ๐จ...I think it would be so good to be able to paint something Iโve seen for happy memories....Im thinking of getting a bike if I see a cheapish one for sale, even an exercise bike would be good, I can use my imagination and take rides everywhere while Iโm exercising.....Do you lay on the sand or have a dip in the salt water when you ride to the beach?..only if you feel up to answering......I used to love body surfing but alas I would probably sink the body board if I tried it today.๐ ๐คฃ๐...too much ๐ซ๐ซ...๐๐๐ ...
How is your beautiful Iszy feeling.....I can remember we kitty sat once and I made some Pom poms and tied them on a piece of elastic and stuck them on the open doorways and door knobs....I giggled so much watch the kittens antics...kitty would grab it with her claws then tumble up as the elastic bounced back...she has fun was so cute but I was only kitty sitting her....I really hope your enjoying each otherโs company and pets and cuddles, brushes etc...
I am hoping you are okay beautiful lady....RUOK.? .......Lee?.
I have been thinking about you and just wanted to say that Iโm always here for you sweety, if Iโm not talking Iโm definitely reading as I do daily when my head is okay.....
Iโm holding your hand ever so gently sweety, squeezing it gently every so often so you know Iโm here and I care for you sweet Lee...If you need a shoulder to cry on. Just rest your head on mine sweety, Iโll always be here for you....
Thank you so very much for staying with me while Iโm in hospital...I donโt feel so alone when youโre all talking to me...Thank you very much sweetheart....I really do appreciate it a lot.....
Sending you love and some caring hugs.๐๐๐ค๐ค๐ค. and Iโm watching you Lee ๐ and listening ๐ and ๐ค.....holding your hands ....
Grandy....
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I just want to give up Grandy....god I want to give up..... for all the usual reasons. ..and I just want to get away from me
I will be back later beautiful to reply properly and to drop in on yours. So sorry. You are always in my thoughts dear friend.
Sending you all my love and care.
Lee
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Dear lee, please do not give up. When things are really bad for me I tell myselfโeverything passes, even this will passโ. I keep repeating it if I have it. And it does pass. Find one little thing today to make you feel better, cuddle Isy smell her lovely fur, remember that smell.. I know I need to take the first steps towards healing , I even know what they are, but it is not easy and I am hiding from it, I draw strength fro you dear friend.
tess
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Hello Beautiful Lee...
Please from the bottom of my heart...do not give up....you have many friends here that love and care for you...Iโm definitely one of those....
Tess has given you some beautiful advise with your gorgeous Iszy...Pet her, love her, smell her fur...she is your fur baby sweetheart...she needs you..I need you and others need you....
I can understand your wanting to run away from you...Those are the thoughts I have a lot....but darling we cannot run away from us...it doesnโt matter where we run to. You will always be one....Iโm truely sorry your feeling that way...
Come on darling...take my hands in your hands...look at me and then after 2 we will take a deep breath in...1..2..Breathe deeply in for 1-2-3-4-5-....hold for 6.. then out for R-E-L-A-X....Good girl...now again...we can do three times then Lee, maybe you can sit next to me and Iโll sit quietly while you release that hurt and pain though your voice or tears...Iโm here for you at any time day or night dear friend...
Please donโt give up....just baby steps Lee.....were all here with you and Iโm not leaving your side sweety ever....nor will I let go of your ever .....thinking of you dearest friend....
Love with warm caring hugs...๐๐๐ค๐ค...
Grandy.....
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