I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee.💜

I’m lying here in bed..if you could call these hospital trolley thingy a bed....

Lee sweety...Please try as hard as you can to put some earphones in if you have some...being stuck in our own thoughts 24/7 is one of the hardest things to bypass....

Distraction is a must to do, anything at all Lee.
It can be as simple as reading a book, giving your body a good stretch, going walkies..painting, doodling, scribbling, TV or listening to music – really anything that takes your mind away from your negatives can make all of the difference....It’s just so easy to feel stuck in our own negativity when your thoughts won’t let go of the sadness, anger etc...Try to find the simple things that you like and it will help you gain the power you have over your thoughts...and life...

Awe Lee...Try to let your mind rest like a mind holiday...by doing something that allows you to take your mind away from those negative thoughts..and onto something you like..A beautiful relaxing walk along the beach...then you can share it here on the walking thread, and I and others can read about your walks and you can read about other peoples walking as well...I occasionally will post there.....
Come on lovely lady, Lee you can do this...Please don’t give up on you....you told me the same words....so come on sweetheart, fight as hard as you can...you can win..you can and will beat this....

Just a gentle reminder, you’ve just done an amazingly hard job, moving you and your furniture, your possessions into a new home, new neighbourhood, I think that maybe your still very overwhelmed by it all....Just my thoughts beautiful Lee...

It’s okay about not being able to make a decision atm. Really it’s okay...

We are real people who care about you and want to help you find a way to get through this. You are valuable and you are loved more than you know. I know you, even though I’ve never met you..but I do love and care for you...So please Lee, be very gentle on you and try as hard as you can to do just 1 thing each day exclusively for you that you really enjoy..even if it’s only 5 minutes..it helps believe me....

Sweety, if you feel to talk, please do so...I’m a real good listener, I know I’m not much on advise, but I’ll do my very best to help you, because you matter a lot to me...and others here...

How are you feeling today beautiful friend? Truth..

Sending you big hugs and love dear Lee..🤗🤗💜💜.

Grandy...

[Lee lee 73]

Hello beautiful friend,

Thank you so much for your post Grandy - especially knowing you are in hospital ❤❤.

I'm feeling a little better. I had a session with my psychologist yesterday - it helped. I don't see her again until February 🙁.

Grandy, I'm not very good at distracting myself - I'm over it. I'm on the 'pity me bus' atm....I tell myself why should I have to distract myself and that it's not fair I have to. It's selfish I know but it's the truth. I do occasionally still go for walks or watch a television series - but nothing seems good enough anymore. I did buy a secondhand bike to ride to and from the beach, as I'm a lot closer now. Omg Grandy, I hadn't ridden a bike in 20yrs.....I was so unstable I almost ran into a tree and fell off 😆. Your words do help me Grandy, it does remind me of what I need to do. ❤❤. I hate that I feel sorry for myself all the time 😔.

My trial treatment went ok. I forgot how awful it makesme feel but it's worth it. It makes me feel so drunk, I can't walk straight, I slur my words, am dizzy and am on the verge of throwing up. I have my next treatment this Thursday - not quite sure of the frequency.

I have 2 christmas things I'm making myself go to today 😦. One is a work thing at lunch time the other is drinks at the complex where I used to live. I hate these things so much but I will do the right thing and go. I have dropped 2 sizes in clothes so everything swims on me. I need a haircut not to mention eyebrow wax and all that. .......I look and feel awful. ..big sigh. ....

Your courage continues to amaze and encourage me Grandy. Thank you for being you. I feel so honoured to be your friend. ...you too Amanda if you're reading. .....

I hope you are able to smile at something today beautiful lady (picture me riding my bike 🙄😆😂). Keep doing what you're doing gorgeous. You are in my thoughts often. Thank you for always being a beautiful friend to me 🤗💓💓❤.

Sending you love and care ❤🤗🤗

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee,

Im so pleased your doing better, beautiful lady..

Im not much good at distracting myself either, for a few minutes is about it...but a few minutes is...a few minutes break from Beasty....Awe darling for yourself, it’s hard I know Lee, but please try as hard as you can....🌹💜..

Oh I 😂😅🤣..I could see you on the bike and you going from side to side and just missed the tree, So much very very done Lee..that would have been hard, a bit scarey at the time, but now you’re looking back a really good time...A bike is both great exercise and distraction...A very smart decision buying yourself one....

Yes I remember you saying not good after in the short term, but over long term your posts got happier and happier and that was so heartwarming to read..I’m praying that will happen again soon for you...

Dearest Lee...Come on sweety, why not give yourself an early well deserved Christmas gift..of a new dress, a haircut, and if you feel for it a facial....go on, Lee, don’t think about it just do it....

Im pleased your going to both the functions that’s a great step forward not wanting to, but going anyway...I hope you can relax and enjoy yourself beautiful....You would probably know most that are going, have fun honey...

Im so pleased I replied to your post , those few words has brought me a wonderful and amazing friend....The same happened with Amanda...I love her as well as you, and I 😭 so much last night after she left...I’m so afraid for her safety...

Dear Lee, I’m not sure what your day is like in Queensland, but where I am it’s windy, dusty and just yucky...if your day is a beautiful day, and when your feeling down..get on that bike of yours....oops ..wait...why not buy you some colourful streamers and put on your handgrips...and a card or two on your wheel spokes...haha..noisey but mindfulness, listening ..

I hope your day is good sweety...Thank you for your lovely words to me...they mean a lot to me as you do..l

Love and hugs...💜💜🤗🤗..

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello beautiful Grandy,

It is pouring with rain here - day 3. Apparently it is the after effects of an ex tropical cyclone. So no bike riding atm. Grandy, I didn't look at riding the bike as mindfulness (distraction )....good thinking - I didn't think of it that way so thank you so much. By the way, I'm glad I'm not the only one who struggles with distraction 😔. .... and yes lovely , every little bit does help. That is so true. Today I have been a little successful.

I have done some more unpacking today - mainly bedroom stuff - not as triggering as other things. Our office closes between christmas and new years so I'm forced to have time off work. We do offer 'essential services ' but since I did it last year and haven't had a break my team leader doesn't want me working. I'm kind of looking forward to the break.. but kind of not.....😔😔. I thought about volunteering but my heart just isn't in it atm.

Grandy, I can't bring myself to getting a hair cut. This is going to sound silly but the thought of sitting in front of a mirror for a lengthy period time makes me feel sick and sad 😢. I want to cry and walk out - which I have done - only once though. I even struggle every morning doing my makeup for work. When having some facial waxing I end up balling my eyes out and can't stop. It's not so much the pain because I can handle when I'm well....I don't know what it is. I've gone to 4 different beauty salons here....too embarrassed to go back, so I try someone different each time.

I only went to my work function yesterday as the other one was cancelled - saved by the rain 😆😆. I had to really practice mindfulness - was glad to get home 😊.

I do hope you have been able to have a.better than ok day today beautiful lady. I appreciate every word you post to me Grandy. A part of me is now reluctant to post here on mine because I don't want to become a burden to you dear friend - especially given how tough things are for you. ...

Sending you so much love care and heart warming hugs beautiful lady 🤗🤗❤💓💕💓❤🤗🤗

You are always in my thoughts. .

Lee ❤🤗

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Lee,...

Please don’t be reluctant to post here...This is your thread beautiful lady please continue to use it when you feel up to it....Others should come in and support you sometimes it takes a while for them to do so, or I found it best to pop into different threads and just chat to then, support them if you can, and then they will usually pop over to yours and do the same....

I struwith distraction a lot..I’m home 24/7 x 6 days, there’s nothing different I can use for distraction..😁 I’ve used everything...silly me...My favourite distraction was sitting out on the front veranda and watching the cows accross from me...I could sit for hours watching them...then the drought came, they were moved to another property and the land has been empty of cows ever since..but I still enjoy sitting their when my neighbour is inside hers or gone out..There are plenty of birds over there as well ..there’s a massive gum tree about 10 steps from my front gate,.,I love just looking at it. There’s always something landing in it ...

Awe sweety...That’s Okay, I’m very sorry I mentioned it...Um .ive not said this before on here but I will and this is the truth...I am not at all pretty, or even normal looking, I’ve had a cancer taken off my nose..which now looks funny.....My front teeth knocked out..I have a partial plate.....a scar on my forehead from stitches.. under eyes is a almost dark grey looks like bruises but not it’s hereditary. I wear glasses...My hair is dry, very frizzy, with some ringlets and so dull....I have all my life been made fun of because of my hair...

Sweetheart everyone looks different, just about everyone hates/ dislikes their appearance, but to the ones who are your friends or know you from the inside ..You are beautiful... you are to me special lady, looks to me don’t count..honestly it really is what’s in the persons soul that makes that person a beautiful person...Please don’t be so hard on yourself....please...

I love coming here and talking to you, your very important to me..and if you stopped posting here I would 😢...but I have to say no pressure...

Sending you lots of warm caring hugs🤗🤗🤗 and some love 💕💜💜..special lady...

Grandy

[Ggrand]

Good morning, lovely Lee.

Im just calling in to say that I hope you have a good day at work today..and please sweety, please be very gentle with you...

Ill be probably be spending a lot of time here at BB on Christmas Day.....I did last year, and my day was manageable...so again this year and talking to those that need to feel less lonely....

I posted last night..Should land today sometime..

enjoy your day the best you can lovely sweet Lee...

love and hugs..💜💜🤗🤗..

Grandy👼..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

Thank you for your kind words lovely lady.

Awwwww Grandy - I'm sorry about your teeth and scars 🙁. Thank you for sharing that with me. Sorry you have been teased about your hair. People can be cruel. ..so quick to judge. Which is why I tend to prefer animals over people and I know you do too. You are beautiful to me Grandy - on the inside and outside. I believe beauty is on the inside too - just not me. It's like you said, we hate/dislike our appearance. I have severe acne scarring and a nose bigger than gonzo's from the muppets. BTW beautiful, Please don't be sorry for mentioning hair cut etc...I'm not sorry you did. It was a beautiful suggestion 💕.

I often think of you being home alone 24/7 6 days a week Grandy. I truly do. ...... and I often wish I could 'zap' myself to your place. I'm glad you have a huge gum tree that attracts visitors. I often see cows about when driving and wondered why geese were often around their feet - I have since learned they pick up seeds that fall from the cows mouth when chewing. Animals are amazing to watch aren't they 😊.

I hope you are feeling better than you were yesterday lovely. You're always in my thoughts Grandy. You are important to me too 😍.

sending you lots of love and care my beautiful friend 🤗🤗❤❤

Lee ❤

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee,

Please don’t be sorry about me, sweety...I’m okay with it all..I was never allowed make up..so I’m not one on me looking good, No amount of make up would and I have no idea how to apply it properly anyway....I have honestly never bothered about my looks..I just didn’t care..I still don’t...I know nearly all women do, but it just never interested me...

A friend of mine had I think the similar as your talking, she had fixed with laser..worked really good for her...hers were chicken pox scars.. I. Sorry if I’m saying wrong, maybe you can look into laser If they bother you to much...but honestly Lee...you could be the most gorgeous girl in the world, people look and comment at you all the time...but Idk if they ever find what their looking for because someone will come along better then them.....True friends, ladies, men will love you once they get to know you....I’m not sure sweety, maybe your lacking self esteem and it’s reflecting off you....I’m sorry if I’m saying wrong...

I haven’t been to a hairdresser in years except one and half year a hate session with me, I shortened my hair very quickly instead of s/h...it’s grown long again so I tied it up to try to straighten it...easier to manage that way....

Animals are gentle and kind . I love how your watching the ducks at lunchtime....I have a beautiful harmonious bird out my window here some mornings..it’s beautiful to wake to the birds.....Usually wake up here to..Morning Grandy..You have to eat your breakfast now....I want so much to be home....

Ive rambled..I hope I’ve not said anything to hurt you..I love and care to much to do that, just trying to help you beautiful Lee....

Sending you Love and hugs..💜💜🤗🤗🤗.l

Grandy👼.l

[Tess2]

Dear Lee and Grandy,

you two should not be so hard on yourselves, physically. I just had a haircut yesterday, at a new hairdresser. Big mistake. I look like the proverbial basin cut, and sitting in front of that mirror with the cape of doom around my stringy neck was too much . I looked about 100. So today I am back to a headband with it all back and waiting for the next two months growth to happen!

Tess

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

You could never say anything to hurt me, it's not in you. What you said is true. Sorry for late reply. Thursday's dosage of the trial treatment took it out of me. I slept all day and night, managed work on Friday then slept most of Saturday. I'm not having a good relationship with food at the moment as I'm sure is the same for you and others. I think that's why it took the wind out of my sail.

Saturday afternoon I made myself ride to the beach and go for a swim. About 20mins in, a light storm and rain came. I still kept swimming, it was so nice. I can't remember the last time I swam in the rain, if ever. Have you ever ate that candy that pops in your mouth....it sounds weird but that's what it felt like, swimming in the rain. I eventually got out when the lifesavers packed up and left and just wondered to the showers, taking it all in, the ocean under stormy clouds and rain pelting on the sand and ocean. I rode home when it settled a bit, I was already wet so it didn't matter and it was still so hot and humid.

I woke this morning feeling pretty good. I think the trial med is working again. My mind is at ease...big sigh. I still feel like a loser, a nobody and that my life is still oh so empty and meaningless....but my mind is at ease. And mood has improved and the ST's have also eased. Things are 'manageable'. Of course I still detest and dread this time of year, but for the first time in a hell of a long time, it may just be 'manageable'. Wow, it also just occurred to me, I am on leave from work and I feel good - that too has not happened in 10yrs .

In my time off, I'm going to repaint 2 feature walls as I not keen on it's colour. 1 wall in the loungeroom and the other my bedroom - fingers crossed I complete it.

I think of you often Grandy. I wish you were well to not be where you are beautiful. It must be so so hard. Please also know it's ok to be sad and down whilst there, I would be too. Sending you comforting hugs 🤗🤗 my dear friend. Thank you for being a beautiful friend and for being you. BTW, I'm glad, in the incident you mentioned, that it was your hair you decided to cut. I've been tempted to....

I hope you go ok for the next 3 to 4 days Grandy. I will be here and on yours if you want to chat. Always with you in spirit ❤💕😍😘.

Lee