I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Guest8901]

Dear Lee

Was today the first treatment back on your clinical trial? I think that would have meant no work today too. I'd be really interested to hear how everything went, and how you're feeling about things. If I recall last time, it took a few treatments before you started to feel the benefits. Hopefully this time there may be a residual effect from before, and it may kick in quicker this time around. I dont know ... I have no idea how these things work.

Perhaps tonight it would be a good time to have a nice relaxing evening, spent under the watchful eye of Iszy.

Brief post, but heartfelt my friend. I really hope you're okay.

Amanda 💜🌺🤗💕

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee,

Sweety, I’m not posting for a reply, I have been thinking of you a lot lately and how the extended trial went...it’s okay if you don’t feel up to talking about that or how your feeling....that’s okay, believe me, when and if you do, I’m only a button or two away from you...

Lee, I am concerned that maybe your not doing so well, and have decided that you need some tlc....If I was their I would, make you a slushy, Grandy style...I get my ice cubes then put them in a plastic bag, get my meat tenderiser mallet and bang away at them until whoo hoo, slushy ice, then I’ll put it all in a yummy iced coffee for you. take you outside to sit under a tree, put Iszy on your lap, while I go and make some yummy pancakes for afternoon tea...

Then while were just sitting their enjoying the singing birds, 🕊the buzzing bees, 🐝the beautiful flowers🌹, the green fresh grass under our feet, oops..um the occasional 🐜 bite😃..I would then tell you to listen and believe these words...That you are so much loved and cared for by so many here and the reason is because you have a beautiful, caring, kind and compassionate soul, which makes you an incredibly beautiful person...You are somebody that people love, admire, care for and so many more💜🤗..please believe in yourself..as we all do..

Sending you love 💞💓..and hugs...🤗🤗🤗..and Peace lovely Lee...please be okay ..

Grandy👼..

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful...".

🕊. 🦋. 👼. 🌹. 🌱. 💜.

Lee......RUOK?......💚

L&H...💜🤗.

Grandy👼..

[Lee lee 73]

.....No 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

But I will be. .it will pass....

So so so sorry to you all for not posting. ...so sorry 😢😢😔😔

I think lots are struggling atm.

Thank you Grandy 💓💓💓💓

❤❤❤❤❤

Lee

[Lee lee 73]

....thank you too Amanda ...❤❤💓💓

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee,

Please don’t be sorry for not posting, there is no obligation at all to post..Your down sweety, please just concentrate on getting you well, that’s the most important thing you can do right now..be very kind and gentle to yourself dear friend...

Imagine I’m siting next to you, your head on my shoulder, my arms around you...just sitting in silence...no pressure..at all...just sitting their with you until you feel better, I’ll not let you go sweety, I’m always here for you when I can be...

Holding your hand 🤝 tightly....listening 👂 out for you and 👀 watching you as well......

I hope today you have some light in your day Lovely dear friend....

Sending you lots of love 💜 and heaps of 🤗 hugs,,

Grandy..

[Guest8901]

Dear Lee 🔔🎶🔔

A quick wave to Grandy whom I seem to be following this morning. Just saw you at yours. 👋

Lee I am so sorry you are not really okay at present. Hopefully soon you will be picking up and feeling much better. I know its hard while waiting for that to happen, but we must push ourselves to get through. There is no viable alternative. Like Grandy, I too am wanting to support you as best I can. It may not seem much, to know that you have loving support and care here, but it is something. And I trust that it offers you hope that things will again improve. And then ... who knows? Onwards and upwards for you ... and for all of us in fact.

I too am sending lots of love and a big christmas wrapped box full of hugs to be used as needed. 🤗🤗💖💖🎄

Please be okay Lee. And please remember to call help lines if you do not feel safe.

Amanda 💕

[Lee lee 73]

I'm Tired of hearing my own thoughts 24/7. I feel so trapped in my own head that I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb. Yet, I don't want to help myself anymore. I'm so tired and fed up with it all. I'm tired of amusing myself. I'm in limbo - don't want to live but don't want to end it. I hate living, I hate being alive..... I don't know what to do. I can't even make a decision on anything at the moment.

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Amanda,

Thank you for post, it means so much to me . Truly it does. ❤.

I hope you are able to have a good day today. Thinking of you often.

Lee 🤗❤

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy,

Thank you so much for sitting with me and for your heartfelt words and hugs. So very much appreciated...... ❤💓🤗.

I hope your day ahead isn't too difficult. Hope you are better than ok. ❤🤗❤🤗.

Lee