I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Ggrand]

Dearest lovely Lee,

wow, I’m so extremely so happy for you, your post has lifted me even more, such fantastic news and please sweetheart don’t ever ever feel guilty about your wellness, I’m so excited and happy for you as everyone reading your uplifting post will be...

Your new activity team sounds really good, I could imagine you interacting with your clients, your beautiful and caring soul a somebody that is helping and is so beneficial to the people who are needing some love and care in there lives, I’m really sooo proud of you...

Thank you very much for your kind words to me, Lee you also deserve my deep thanks because you are helping me as well, you understand my loneliness and sadness have been a constant with me since you first posted on mine..it goes two ways, your special in my life...You are my friend you are somebody who gives your love and care to me and others, a nobody cannot do that...You are somebody important in my life...a beautiful caring somebody, that I can give some hugs to🤗.

I wouldn’t hesitate to give up a day or even two days to feel as you’re feeling now..So I’ll agree with you to keep up the trials, as I said before you are a courageous woman, that is willing to put yourself through trials, (that could have gone wrong at any time)..for us, for others, for people you will never meet, for all the depressed out their in this world..to give us hope...and by the sound of it all, you have given it to us....So I want to give you a huge very heartfelt and deep thank you..you sweetheart are somebody very special, doing a trial that gives us a chance for hope and wellness...

Thankyou Lee for being who you are...you...

Love and big caring hugs 💜🤗..

Grandy....🕊🕊🕊..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Amanda,

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement (once again ).

I'm keen to find out more on the whole clinical trial 'process'. I'm hoping it's not too far down the track before this medication is given the go ahead....at least we have hope......

Thanks again lovely lady. I hope you are ok. ..have been thinking of you. Please do take care. ..lots of self care. ...

❤❤🤗🤗

Lee xx

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

Thank you for your beautiful words, you make me feel like a somebody, you truly do Grandy ❤.

I know right - a huge wowwww. It feels so foreign Grandy (feeling good ) that I keep waiting to crash, in any second. I even thought about going clothes shopping today but didn't because doing so (going out) usually brings me down. But I'm loving snuggling on the couch with my Iszy on this rainy Saturday. Small steps I'm thinking....

I have just sold my house where I used to live. Being a landlord was too stressful, it was an additional stress i felt i could do without. But then I started to stress again because I wasn't in the headspace to buy another then move. Thankfully now, I'm ok to do so.

Know that I'm here for you always as well Grandy, on mine or yours. Thank you for being proud of me (and to you too Amanda - I forgot to say so in my reply to you). I honestly do feel guilty for feeling well. ..it's just me. I am glad I have been able to share hope.

Gees, I feel as though I want to share it to the world in the hope that it will speed along things and make it known there is a medication that can work. That sounds dumb and I know I'm dreaming.....

Grandy, I was at my lowest when I first posted. Although there were others who replied to me (and am very grateful), it was your posts that made a heartfelt difference to me ..and you continue to do so. You mean so much to me beautiful Grandy. I thank you... for being you.

I do hope you are going ok my good friend.....better than ok. You are in my thoughts often. Keep on staying strong Grandy.

Love ❤❤❤❤ and hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗 👭🌸🌹❤

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee,

Oh Lee my fingers, toes, arms, legs heart and soul are crossed for you hoping beyond the universe and back that you don’t crash...I love the tone in your words, your happiness shines through your words and you so very much deserve the happiness your feeling now....Please don’t feel guilt, although I think your a lot like me and feel guilt about a lot of things, but not this please sweetheart it’s very heartwarming to hear you so excited and happy...I hope that the world will enjoy it one day, but for now sweetheart, please don’t hold back in fear of crashing just enjoy your happies as best as you can...

Congratulations one selling your house, I really hope that you enjoy house hunting without very much stress and you find a house you like that you can make into a lovely warm home for you to enjoy...

Im so very pleased I was some help in you starting to pick up and I’m humbled that you want to be here for me..as I want to also be here for you as well.. you thank you so very much for your love, care and support, you also mean a lot to me, you have such a warm, beautiful and caring soul. .

I will be okay Lee, I usually can manage okay, but that phone call took me down, but I’m heading upwards and that’s what counts and it’s because of you and the other lovelies here on BB...

You painted a lovely calming picture of you and Iszy curled up together on the couch with the rain falling outside our pets are the best aren’t they..enjoy your time with your beautiful fur buddy...I’ll be fixing something to eat soon and after I wash up..(well maybe wash up).. I’ll be doing the same with my little fur family... 🐶🐶...

I hope you have a good restful sleep tonight lovely lady and you wake even better then today.

Sending you my love and lots of caring warm hugs....💜💜💜🤗🤗🤗...Oh and a little furry toy for your precious Iszy..

Grandy...👼💜🕊..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

I do hope you will be ok, heading upwards.... .even better beautiful 🤗. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love care and support. .it means and you mean so much to me Grandy .

Good on you lovely - those dishes can wait until the morning - they're not going anywhere 😅.

I hope you have a peaceful sleep my beautiful friend and also Wishing you a better day tomorrow.

Love and hugs to you gorgeous lady ❤❤🤗🌹 sweet dreams

Ohhh and thank you for Iszy's toy - she loves it. 😊😊🐺🐺.

❤ Lee xx

[Guest8901]

Its a pleasure Lee. You really are a delightful lady, and well worth the care and attention you receive.

Well done in offloading the house in which you used to live. If it was causing stress being a landlord, then you are better off without it. I hope you can invest the proceeds wisely for the future.

I too hope that others may soon benefit from the trial treatment which you have helped 'pioneer'. It must (or should) make you feel special to have been a part of the process. Although I realise there is lots of red tape involved in approving new drugs and treatments for wider use. I guess I understand the need for this, but I also know there are people out there who may lose their lives while they wait for something which may help them. Your enthusiasm is not dumb, not at all. It stems from you feeling so 'bad' for so long. And now you are feeling 'well' and want to share that feeling with others. It shows your care and empathy for others, and thats lovely. So please do not feel guilty for feeling good after suffering for so long. You deserve this Lee, so bask in it while you can. Its been a very long time coming.

I think my Charli would get along well with your Iszy. She likes cats, and although I do not have any, she co-habitates very well with them when I need to leave her in care when I go away. She accepts them very well, its just a matter of whether the cat will accept her.

I hope you enjoy the remainder of your weekend Lee.

Hi Grandy - I owe you a reply on my thread and hope to get there later tonight. Sorry for my tardiness, its been a bit of a battle today.

See you next time Lee. I always enjoy your posts.

Amanda 🤗 🌹 💜

[therising]

Hi Lee

I'm so very excited for you in regard to the results from the trials. I hope this feeling you're experiencing gives you the chance to reflect on the fact that the way the brain behaves in depression does not define who we are, it just defines the state our brain is in. By the way, the guilt thing that you're feeling - I would suggest (seeing that you are such a lovely compassionate soul) you remain focused on your wishes of wellness for others and the support you offer to them, these aspects will overtake the guilt. In finding my own freedom from depression, I too felt the guilt thing initially. Don't let guilt define you as unworthy.

I do understand your apprehension, not wanting to put faith in your good feelings being long lasting. It's natural to say in some way 'I'm prepared for the fall, I'm prepared for the depression/hole, I'm prepared for the darkness when it comes'. Bracing your self can be a self-preservation thing as well as an habitual thing (given the cyclic nature of depression in some cases). But now that you can relate to depression partly being about a chemical imbalance, it's a window of opportunity for you to start rewiring your brain (with support) whilst changing more of that chemistry up there. In other words, try your best to focus on re-conditioning your brain while it's in this current state. Sounds a bit weird but the experts say that we have the power to recondition/train our brain as long as we don't get in the way of the process, with old destructive outdated beliefs in regard to our perception.

I'll leave you with an analogy worth giving some thought to. Given that our brain is a complex computer of sorts, who was it that installed all the programs relating to our beliefs and perception. Who installed the program that defines 'A good boy or a good girl' or the ones that define 'Who is strong and who is weak or who's beautiful and who's not'? What about the simple programs that relate to 'What is red and what is blue'? You get it, the list goes on and on and on. You know it wasn't you who programmed all this stuff into your computer. Bit weird, hey?! Lee, now that you're in a better frame of mind, use this time as best you can; use it to become more conscious of old contrived programs installed by others. As I say, there is so much more to us than just that computer in our skull, there is a part of us that longs to sit behind the keyboard and reprogram the whole system. Perhaps it is our soul.

Take care Lee

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Amanda,

Your beautiful words made me tear up...in a good way 😚. Thank you so much for your encouragement and acknowledgment Amanda. I'm not use to hearing it (as I'm sure not many of us here are ). Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Especially since you have so much going on yourself.

Yes, you're so right Amanda, so many lives are being lost (and in torment ) due to mental illnesses. Research has slowed down completely. If people only realised suicide rates are so much higher than our road toll....arghhhh I do get so frustrated.

Awwwww Amanda, Charlie sounds adorable - so beautiful. I'm not sure how Iszy would go, she is so gentle and calm but has never been exposed to another animal. When I buy another home, I'm thinking of getting her a brother. I feel terrible leaving her at home alone everyday when I go to work. Mind you, she doesn't do anything to suggest it bothers her.

I do hope you are ok Amanda. I'm relieved to hear you have a good psychologist/psychiatrist. It makes such a difference doesn’t it.

Please be kind to yourself Amanda, take good care and I hope you are ok.

Sending you warm hugs lovely lady. 🤗🤗🤗

❤

Lee

[Lee lee 73]

Hello therising,

Thank you so much for stopping by, so great to hear from you.

Oh my goodness Therising, your post made me tear up as well. You are so on the mark with everything you said. And no, nothing you said was weird...it reinforced everything my previous psychologist would say. I can now see the logic in the effects of depression on our brain. I know now is the best time to work on my 'core beliefs' - all those negative messages. I still believe them to be true but I also believe they can be 'rewired'. Therising, to hear you say "You know it wasn't you who programmed all this stuff into your computer" and to hear you state what those messages were, literally does bring tears to my eyes. It struck a chord with me therising.( ..and I don't even have a musical bone in my body). I'm crying now. Feeling and being acknowledged is a huge thing with depression .....and me. You have touched my heart Therising. I'm even more determined now to continue to seek another psychologist. As hard as it maybe to do so, I know the long term benefits in doing so.

"Perhaps it is our soul" indeed...

You take good care too

... .thank you ❤

Lee

[Guest8901]

Hi Lee, and thank you for your lovely post to me on Monday.

Yes .. you're right, my Charli is an adorable little girl. I have often wondered about getting another little doggie companion for Charli, especially when I was working, but decided against it. She is too recessive to stand up for herself and would just retreat into the background and let other dogs 'walk all over her'. I wouldnt say she is timid exactly, as she is a very gutsy little dog, far more so than her small size warrants. But when it comes to getting attention when we have other dogs around, she just gently fades herself into the background, which means she misses out on attention. We dog sit a neighbours dog occasionally, similar breed, and thats what always happens. They get along well though, so its not that. I think she is just very much a one dog type. And since I had to give up work earlier this year, I'm no longer away much anyway. But she is 10yo, and sadly .. the time will come. Hopefully thats a good few years away yet.

Yes I do have a good clinical psychologist. Although I dont really have anything to compare her to, as I have only ever seen the one. But she understands me well, she seems to care and she keeps a look out for me in between visits. I trust her and feel I can talk to her about pretty much anything now. Yes, it makes a huge difference. I really hope you are able to find a psychologist who you are able to make further progress with too. There are definitely long term benefits by doing so. So do shop around, if need be.

Thanks for the warm hugs, very much appreciated right now. Please stay well, and on top of your depression.

Amanda 🤗 🌹 💜