I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

Hello beautiful Grandy,

You always make my heart smile and you know when I'm down. I'm in struggle town Grandy 😢😢. I was doing so well which makes it worse. Always find it harder to write on mjnw when low 😢. So sorry my beautiful friend.

I'm late for work -as always. You're in my heart Grandy always. ...thank you 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Lee ❤

[Lee lee 73]

Hello again beautiful Grandy, (and everyone)
How are you going today, how was your day? Did your MHN visit you? Thank you so much for understanding about my lack of posts Grandy. You are a beautiful soul.
What a topsy turvy week. I should be so used to this roller coaster by now - big sigh.I'm feeling that inner anger again, feeling so useless and worthless, I hate myself with every fibre of my being. I can’t even stand seeing a glimpse of my reflection let alone standing in front of a mirror. I have a couple of clients who both have cancer. I soooo just wish I could absorb their cancers from them for they have more to live for than I. I was going ok too, well, well enough to challenge the thoughts and I had a glimmer of hope…. I don’t know how it started and I don’t how it stopped or how it ended and how it started….???????????? I haven’t heard from my psychiatrist office, she does only work Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I figured I wouldn’t nag them but I will call again on Tuesday – a huge bloody sigh.
I will do my best to get to the beach over the weekend for a walk. Rain is on the forecast but will still try. I managed two small visits today in between clients and at lunch. The coast line here is soooo beautiful here Grandy, long and peaceful, as there so many quiet pockets away from high tourist areas. But that is another thing I love about the beach, it’s the only ‘public’ place where one can feel at ease and in peace. If only we could have splashing comps my dear Grandy.
Grandy, you asked what kind of music do I like, I guess some 80’s, a lot of the 90’s are my favourites. I don’t really have that much of a clue about the music now…except the odd song I hear on the radio where I can relate to the lyrics…a bit rare though. Grandy, you mentioned the radio where you are is staticky. You’re tech savvy, have you looked into the music apps – ‘spotify’ and/or ‘deezer’ on your Ipad? This is how I access music on my mobile.
Grandy, I get what you mean when you say you prefer to help people vs talking to people and the reason why you like to help people. You truly are an amazing lady Grandy…such an inspiration beautiful lady. (heart, heart heart heart).

I hope your day was a good one lovely and that your evening goes fast (seeing as though we both struggle at night time). Thank you for holding my hand and for sitting with me. know that I am doing the same for you in return.

All my love and warm hugs,

Lee xxxxxxooooooo

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee,

I’m doing okay Lee Thank you for asking, I’m a little upset that my mhn nurse didn’t ring or visit today, although I should be getting used to my mh team cancelling my appointments by now but it hurts... but I’m okay...

Youre doing such a very hard emotional job Lee, My heart goes out to you with what you’re doing daily to help these lovely people, I understand about caring for cancer patients so much, I nursed my hubby at home, it’s a very hard thing to do is to someone get sicker by the day, I’m sorry that you’re doing this, but at the same time so extremely proud of you for giving them the love, care and compassionate that you would be.....Honestly Lee, your value and worth is amongst the top...One day you will believe that because it’s so very true....

Oh Lee Truth here, I hate my body, so much, I have reasons...I also hate me at most times, but I’m trying to like me, because if we don’t like ourselves who will? and we need to look after ourselves the best we can, even if it’s a little bit of self care because there is always or will be someone that needs us at some time, Your two friends need you, I need you. and I’m certain your clients need you, you have people who need you as well as love and care for you, sweetheart that’s the truth....

Please if you can... ring your Psych on Tuesday, and try to get them to listen to you and that you need and want help..I really don’t know anymore about out health system..I really think it needs fixing..

Your beach sounds beautiful Lee, I love the beach, it’s just so peaceful and calming just watching the waves and feeling the sand under your feet, the salty air..I miss the beach so very much...I wish so much I could find a way to live near the beach....I like where I live at times then other times I don’t...

I do have Spotify on my phone...I’ll try to get deeper on my iPad and give it a try...Thank you very...

Nights are the worse of all. I like the quiet but not the emptiness....I’m sorry that you struggle of a night...I usually do here, read or talk.... sometimes a DVD. but I’m okay most times....

In saying that I hope your night is a good one and your sleep a great one....

love and lots of hug dear friend...💜💜🤗🤗🤗🤗..

Grandy...

Im not much help tonight

[Lee lee 73]

Hello beautiful,

Oh gees lovely, I so don't blame you for being annoyed and hurt your mhn didn't visit or even ring. The mental health system is disgusting, even more so in regional rural areas. It gets me so so angry. Even most people on here do their best to avoid hospital. Grandy, it would have to be the only illness where that is the case!!! It breaks my heart you aren't getting the help you so deserve Grandy. It truly does. So heartbreaking. I wish you could come live with me...I would make sure you got the best help ...and you would live near the beach!

Grandy, you are always helpful. You know all the right things to say. I often read over your posts and they are always soooooo comforting lovely lady.

Grandy, I don't do palliative care. I sometimes transport clients to and from chemo, to dr appointments and clean their homes when they obviously can't. I do see their deterioration and I miss them when they pass but at the same time I know they're not suffering. Sometimes I think I have such a 'different' thought process when it comes to 'time to pass'.

I knew you would have spotify you tech savvy totally cool lady...what artists are on your playlist? (Only reply if you want to).After I posted...I don't know where I was going with that and your poor radio reception lol. I say some dumb things.

You're so right Grandy, if we don't like ourselves who will. Same goes with caring for ourselves etc. I wish my mum was like you Grandy - and yes, I do very much mean that.......so very much. Sometimes it would be easier for me to not want to be loved...my psychologist used to say, those of us who never felt loved and nurtured, crave it the most...

I wish so much you could get continuous professional support Grandy - I know I said that already..

I hope your furbabies are giving you lots of cuddles Grandy.

Sleep well tonight my dear friend...and, as a beautiful caring warm gentle friend often says to me.... "I hope tomorrow is a better day for you".

Thank you for your company gorgeous (heart heart heart hugs hugs hugs hugs)

Keep trying to love yourself because we all love you

Sweet dreams

Lee xxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooo

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Aman,

Thank you so much for your beautiful words. I truly am sorry for the late reply.

Thank you for your hand in friendship. I look forward to getting to know you so much more.

Yes, sometimes we are slaves to our own perceptions. I too have become so much more aware of other factors in life, for everyone. I think this comes with age and our own life experiences. I feel very fortunate to have you as my friend Aman. Let me offer the same friendship in return.

I do hope you are well. I have been thinking of you and sending you calming thoughts.

Take good care my good friend.

Lee

[Natalia123]

You are not a broken record, there are plenty of people who want to hear what you have to say! It’s sounds like you have been really ostracised and for extended periods of time. Keep reaching out on the forums!

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee,

Thank you so very much for all your beautiful support, love and care you have been giving me on mine. 💜..I need to catch up on yours and I’ll be back tomorrow night to say hello and chat to you...please sweetheart, remember that you are a very special person a somebody, I love and care very deeply about who has just helped me to start dragging myself up again.... Only a somebody, a someone can do that...Thank you so very much...l

love and hugs dear friend..💜💜💜🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗...

Grandy..l

[Lee lee 73]

Hello beautiful Grandy,

Thank you for your beautiful post. I'm only doing for you, what you do for me...that's what good friends do hey ❤👭🤗

Please just concentrate on you, you have a lot going on my dear friend. Only write here when you are only definitely feeling up to it. These forums are here for us, at our own pace ❤

My mood has been ok... so at the moment, it's just my thoughts.... and me....but I'm working on it.

Thinking of you Grandy and sending you comforting thoughts. You are a courageous beautiful lady 😇.

Love

Lee 🤗🤗❤❤👭

[Lee lee 73]

Hello to my beautiful support team here at BB,

Well, it seems the clinical trial treatment has worked. I say this with hesitation as I know everyone here is struggling, but I am feeling really good. My mood has increased 10 fold and the suicidal thoughts have dissipated. I still cannot stand who I am, still feel like a nobody, still hate what I see in the mirror and I still just exist... but it is so much easier to 'get on with life'.

I have been feeling this way for about 2 weeks now (good days far out weighed the bad), waiting for it to end, to be completely honest. But yesterday I ran into the mental health nurse from the trial. She asked how I was and when I told her, she said the other participants are saying the same thing. I explained, it was my understanding the treatment was to have an instant effect but she said the effect is 'cumulative'.

I Couldn't understand why I was feeling good especially given I'm not on any meds. I initially thought maybe I have just come out of a depressive episode. I haven't felt this good in such a looooong time. I can't remember the last time I woke up, wanting to...if that makes sense?

Now, for the first time ever, I have faith and hope in treatment for suicidality and depression. That in itself is releif.

I'm even enjoying going to work again. I was asked to join our activities team 2 days a week. We pick up and take our clients out for the day - picnics, out to lunch, festivals and games day. I'm really enjoying getting to know them on a different level and I'm personally benefiting from it too.

I do feel guilty for sharing the fact I'm going good. ..but I guess I want to share my hope for treatment.

What has also profoundly helped is this community. Being able to talk to people who understand and don't judge...words cannot express how grateful I am to you all. Thank you for acknowledging me- Especially to you Grandy.

And therising, Amanda, Nat, Aman and Croix, our frank discussion on suicidal thoughts - so 'refreshing'.

So, I'm wandering how long will the treatment last before requiring another?Apparently everyone is different requiring weekly, or every 2nd 3rd or 4th week. And am I willing to continue treatment despite having to put aside a full day - I'm thinking YES! I have follow up trial treatment scans next week so I will be able to hopefully have a good discussion with the mhn...hopefully psychiatrist as well.

Thinking of you all and sending you happy thoughts.

Lee xx

[Guest8901]

Dear Lee,

Thank you so much for sharing your good news with us all. I am so very happy for you, that you have had such a noticeable improvement in your mood and outlook. Its thanks to people like yourself who courageously undergo these clinical trials, that science is constantly advancing, and providing alternatives to other down the track.

So congratulations to you, well done, and I'm so glad you've seen the benefits of the trial. I too am of the opinion that continuing treatment would be worth the one day sacrificed. It could save many more days by allowing you to feel good about yourself and to keep your mood at a manageable level.

Again ... fantastic news ... and thanks for sharing, because by doing so ... you are giving others hope.

Amanda 💜 🤗