Hello Lee,
I finally found it. And I read it. You know, while reading the introduction of this thread, I felt like you were describing my life almost to the T. My doctor says my way of thinking is very pessimistic. My brother says I am too "different" to fit in anywhere. That I belong to a different era altogether. After reading what you have written, I can say this:
I learned along the way that my dogs and my bunnies were far more loving than any person I have come across so far. One of them passed away while I was in India, and I can tell you, it left a hole in me. The second one passed away a few years later while I was here. Nothing can ever describe that loss. No matter how many words I type. I long to get another companion and I will, once I get myself a bit sorted. Because I believe they give unconditional love and they deserve the same in return. And I will feel very guilty if I use my health/depression as an excuse. I know you have a cat and I am VERY happy that you have a companion. Nothing gets better than this. Trust me.
People judge based on what "their" perception is. Until a while ago, I thought whatever I believed was right because my thinking was devoid of any selfish reasons. I never hurt anyone physically, emotionally or financially etc. and I am strictly against it. I don't know when, but a shift in my thinking happened. Now, when I see people doing something that is against my own principles, I try to take a step back and understand what circumstances might have led that to happen. I mean, this is just one example. We are slaves to our own perceptions, beliefs, knowledge, principles, culture, values etc. I can TOTALLY relate to living alone. Trust me. It is my BIGGEST fear and yet, I am living it.
So, today, I want you to know. We have been talking a few weeks now. You say you struggle with strong female friendship. I am extending a hand in your direction. I have a female friend long time ago, who ditched me, based on her own perception and blames me for the fall. I apologised and apologised, even when I know she was equally or may be more at fault. But she moved on. I have been burnt before too. So, I am willing to place my faith once more. We may never meet. But You will always find me close to you, whenever you need. If you give your word to TRY with all your heart to give yourself and your life another chance and not think about ending anything.
I am extending a hand for a friendship that will last.
-A
