I think my 30 year marriage is over

[tim55]

Hi every body,

This is my first post and I'm not sure if this is the right place for what is going on. I guess I'll just put up my story and see what happens.

I was discovered betraying my wife of 30 plus years through the use of internet pornography, by my 18 year old daughter. That was about 4 months ago. Many would say I was addicted, I'm still not sure if that is right or not. Since then I have done pretty well dealing with that side of the problem. Through some counselling, reconnecting with my faith and involvement with a 12 step program, I am "sober" since discovery. I have lied and deceived even after discovery trying to minimise what I had done. The full truth all came out about 2 weeks ago.

My wife and I have been on a roller coaster about what will happen with our marriage. At the moment it looks as though our marriage will end. I am currently living out of the family home and pretty well every interaction I have with my wife upsets her peace. I don't think she is on the road to any healing; that is now just about out of my hands. Any suggestion I make is rejected vehemently.

Its now becoming clear that I will not be spending Christmas with my family. Having me in the house is just the catalyst for my wife's pain and hurt, leading to anger that just spills over our adult children. So I expect to stay away.

I have no family where I am living, although, I have cut myself off from them. My father was a verbally abusive man who introduced me to pornography. I have some support through a church, however, he will be out of the city from tomorrow and has a family of his own to care for. So I am staring at the likelihood of being alone for Christmas. One of the characteristics of an addict is pushing people away and I have done that, with no real friends at all.

There are some things I know I can do. I will be attending Church on Christmas Day, possibly with the family, but I'm not expecting that. I guess I am looking for suggestions about dealing with a weeks worth of days by myself as work will shut it's doors. I will be tackling my addictive issues separately with my counsellor. I'm looking for some general suggestions.

Thanks

[tim55]

Hi birdy,

You are more than welcome to join in .

I think you have hit the nail on the head. I'd add a question, what thoughts that might also be going through your mind at that time? If its anything more than "my she is beautiful" then its time to step and think.

Tim

[white knight]

Hi all,

Back to the topic at hand. Tim, your thread here has a topic "I think my 30 year marriage is over". Yet throughout your thread you have rejected any confirmation from some (including me) that it could be over and if it is that there are some important survival strategies to put in place. We recognise the ramifications for you if your efforts don't make it. That there are other factors in that it "appears" your wife isn't eager to fix, but rather punish, not forgive but regularly suggest there will always be mistrust. Frankly it appears to me that the barriers are huge to overcome. You do have a 30 year marriage which is credible and a base by which to fight for, but it takes two.

What I'm suggesting is strategies. This is what I would do. I would drift away a little, do some soul searching and personal forgiveness that is always a great thing to do. Sit on top of a hill overlooking a beach, thinking, cleansing and spiritually connecting to peace, inner peace. When you meet up with your wife and she asks you what you have been doing I'd say "going to special places" and leave it at that because you do not owe her details. However you can also say "you can go there with me if you like". With no further details you take her to that magic place.

Then I'd sit there with her and say this. You probably thought I was going to take you to a sleezy place based on my record. Yet I brought you here because here is where I went these last few days/weeks and thought only of you, how special you are in my life and how could I ever win your heart back. You are only what matters to me. Yet I know the severity of my actions can result in you discarding me and not trusting me forever. That would be your choice. You are entitled to choose life without me and freely do so. But I brought you here to ask you to do me a favour. I can return you to home and we can continue on the way we have which ultimately means marriage destruction or we can move on from this hell we have been going through and enjoy life. You can forgive me and its what I'm asking you to do.

Then stay silent. wait for her answer. Let her talk, let her think. If you do anything at all after a few minutes it can be opening your arms as a symbol of love and devotion.

Resolution one way or the other is my suggestion. I would not be spending my life, a day, a week, a year being tortured mentally. This is the purpose of your post, to seek help over what you feel is the end of a 30 year marriage.

Tony WK

[Doolhof]

Hi Tim and All,

I've been reading through most this thread but have missed bits here and there. Tim, have you and your wife tried couples counselling? Have you been in a situation where someone is the mediator for you both? Is your wife receiving any counselling for herself?

For me, my occasional outbursts of anger can be very telling. They are times when I bring to the surface what is going on deep inside of me. Maybe your wife may have other issues that are becoming mixed in with this current situation. She may not even be 100 per cent sure why she is so angry.

Like Tony mentioned, you must be wanting to know where your relationship is going and how it will look in the future. One thing is certain, I doubt it will ever return to how it was before all of this happened. It will be different. How different depends on how well the two of you can communicate and work things out, or if you do separate.

Lies. All they do is trip us up. The truth can rip us up and apart. It can be difficult to work through both.

Change is possible. Time can heal all wounds. You can become a different person. Maybe your wife will recognise all of this. We can not go back, we can only move forward.

Hope you and your wife can have some open, clear discussions on where to from here.

Cheers from Dools

[bindi-QLD]

Tim, Thank you for giving us a little more detail about your wife, especially her upbringing and her behavior before your marriage crisis. It sounds like you've had a very good, loving marriage. And whatever wounds each of you carry, they work well together under normal circumstances.

Coming from a background of losing her parent, at such a tender age, your wife would need to feel a huge amount of safety. And you provided that for her, for many decades. I felt happy reading that you feel she has been very good for you as well.

What I believe is happening to your wife right now, is she is reliving the death of her mother, but from the emotional perspective of a young toddler, who feels that her life is threatened because her parent died. There is usually a lot of worthlessness associated with that, along with a profound fear of dying, and lost safety. From what i know of it, this is imprinted emotional behaviour, you can't trick or coerce those feelings away. They take over during times of extreme stress.

I know a little about this, because my two step sisters lost their Mum when they were 2 and 3 years old. She died suddenly of a brain tumour, before them. One of them is my age, and we shared a bedroom growing up. Even up until we were 18, she needed the light left on at night, and we together had to push a heavy couch in front of our bedroom door each night. I did everything to make her feel protected and safe. However our mother was abusive, and she abandoned the family to have an affair a few years later. Came back, abandoned us again.

My younger step sister found safety in catholic church and a strong marriage, and is deeply religious. I wondered for a moment if you are my step brother, lol. But they have 13 children, not 5 🙂

They are both very soft, gentle people. I think of them like beautiful doves. I have never been able to encourage either to go into therapy, though I tried many times, during times when they were being triggered, like your wife is being triggered right now. When they found stable marriages and homes, I suppose they felt safe, and there wasn't much of a need to explore further than that.

Having said all that, I think you are what your wife needs, but whether she will come to the same conclusion or not will depend a lot on her. You can do your best to make her feel safe. She may ultimately feel safer to be alone, but I agree with you, that it will not make her happy.

[tim55]

Hi Everybody,

This is a general post, because that is all I am good for at the moment.

This morning in a long phone call starting at 6.30am my wife told me she had decided that our separation would be permanent and when the time came, around August she would be seeking a divorce and then an annulment of our marriage.

I'm not really up to answering the very good posts I have read since last I posted. I thank you for them and will be back to them, but not today.

My wife's decision comes from my lying to her and continuing to lie to her to cover up my past. It also comes from the deep rejection she feels stemming from my actions and my lack of empathy for her situation. My wife has listed many more of my character flaws she nothing wants to deal with.

She went on her first date yesterday and told me her date expressed a desire to help her recover from what has happened. That was a sword in my heart.

I know many here have said, that its time to move on. I'm still a long way from that. There are five stages of grief as I remember. But the first of them is denial and that is where I am. It will take time as I retain a hope that the deep love we have (had) for each other might win out some how.

I am okay, I'm not about to do anything rash. In fact I'm in a bit of a daze (about 4 hours sleep last night) and a bit numb today.

Tim

[bindi-QLD]

That's such painful news, Tim, I am so sorry. She is taking care of herself right now, and you must take care of yourself too. I liked what Tony wrote, about finding somewhere beautiful in nature, and trying to finding some peace. Sitting somewhere high, listening to the sound of the ocean...those were good words he wrote.

The long term future is uncertain, but people like you always find love.

[tim55]

Thanks bindi,

Yes my wife is taking care of herself right now and I have constantly told her and have that I pray for her peace and healing. I just did not believe that was going to be without me.

The idea of finding somewhere peaceful and sitting is great. The family beach holiday is next week. I will now not be going. That may have been an opportunity. Instead I am house and pet sitting the family home and doing a bunch of projects I have in mind. Therapy of another kind I hope.

bindi, I've not tried to find love anywhere outside my family for 34 years. At the moment I don't believe I will, nor do I want to. My wife thinks I will just run into the arms of a new woman.......that is not going to happen this year.

Thank you for your kind words though, I do appreciate them.

Tim

[bindi-QLD]

Tim, That is a very good attitude, for both your recovery and healing. And I hope I didn't come across as `just move on, get over it'. That was not my intention if it came across that way, even subtlely.

What I feel is that although your wife is excited about a date with someone new, he will come with his own flaws, perhaps considerable by her standards, which may surface sooner rather than later. I think Geoff may have mentioned that earlier, its something i agree with.

The amount of safety your wife has enjoyed in your marriage, is not easy to find. In that respect, I don't think reconcilation between the two of you is impossible. But I think, at best, it would take more time than you would hope for. I would really hope for you to find the strength to care for yourself during that time. Self care can mean opening yourself to possibility of being loved again. I'm just saying. i know its not at all where you at today.

I'm really so sorry for the pain and suffering you have endured these past months. I think highly of you Tim. You have a lot of depth, and willingness to learn self awareness, to grow and heal. Sometimes the people we love are not the same. Its so painful when you want to take their hand, but they cannot do that. I've been there too, Tim.

I'm wishing you the best for getting through today, Tim.

[white knight]

Hi Tim.

Having "been there", I'm aware there is nothing others can do the ease the grief that will last a long time.

What I also know is if you log on here I'd like to give a few recommendations.

Distance yourself from your wife, have the attitude that if she wants to talk about anything she can ring you

A you recover look upon your future as a different period, not better not worse, different

Acknowledge that happiness comes in many forms. About 6 weeks after my marriage split I struck a joey after dropping my kids off. I took it to a vet. 10 days later it was ready to be released. I rang my kids and picked them up 2 days later, picked the joey up and my kids helped me release it to the wild.

It didnt involve my ex. One of those beautiful moments in our lives. That beauty in the world is there when you recover. Because you are worthy of such wonder and beauty. You have refuted that, I dont agree with your self criticism

Take care and keep that phone at the bottom of the page handy.

Tony WK

[bindi-QLD]

That's a wonderful anecdote, Tony. I really appreciate people who help hurt wildlife, what you did was very special and caring. I discovered wildlife rescue in my 30's. Its the best part of my life.

I see a lot of wisdom in your advice, about investing energy back into yourself and your life, especially when grief is overwhelming. You can invest too much into people, when they are investing little if anything. Perhaps because they can't. Letting go will make you feel lost for a little while, but I agree there are other wonderful outlets for compassion, other ways to meet your needs, that won't leave you feeling broken and worthless. Tim, strive to find them.