I think my 30 year marriage is over

[tim55]

Hi every body,

This is my first post and I'm not sure if this is the right place for what is going on. I guess I'll just put up my story and see what happens.

I was discovered betraying my wife of 30 plus years through the use of internet pornography, by my 18 year old daughter. That was about 4 months ago. Many would say I was addicted, I'm still not sure if that is right or not. Since then I have done pretty well dealing with that side of the problem. Through some counselling, reconnecting with my faith and involvement with a 12 step program, I am "sober" since discovery. I have lied and deceived even after discovery trying to minimise what I had done. The full truth all came out about 2 weeks ago.

My wife and I have been on a roller coaster about what will happen with our marriage. At the moment it looks as though our marriage will end. I am currently living out of the family home and pretty well every interaction I have with my wife upsets her peace. I don't think she is on the road to any healing; that is now just about out of my hands. Any suggestion I make is rejected vehemently.

Its now becoming clear that I will not be spending Christmas with my family. Having me in the house is just the catalyst for my wife's pain and hurt, leading to anger that just spills over our adult children. So I expect to stay away.

I have no family where I am living, although, I have cut myself off from them. My father was a verbally abusive man who introduced me to pornography. I have some support through a church, however, he will be out of the city from tomorrow and has a family of his own to care for. So I am staring at the likelihood of being alone for Christmas. One of the characteristics of an addict is pushing people away and I have done that, with no real friends at all.

There are some things I know I can do. I will be attending Church on Christmas Day, possibly with the family, but I'm not expecting that. I guess I am looking for suggestions about dealing with a weeks worth of days by myself as work will shut it's doors. I will be tackling my addictive issues separately with my counsellor. I'm looking for some general suggestions.

Thanks

[tim55]

Thanks Paul,

I feel a little selfish, I keep looking at other threads trying to join in and offer some help, but there are far wiser heads in this place.

[blondguy]

Hey Tim

I just wanted to say thankyou for supporting the Christmas/New Years Chillout Lounge just before midnight. If we didnt have the support of new members the forums would cease to exist.....and I wouldnt be a volunteer here anymore too!

Your support/posts/input is just as valuable as anyone elses on the forums....including mine

My very best for you in this dark period you are going through. I hope you have a better year in 2018 Tim

Paul

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Tim,

I'm so sorry to hear that, its so frustrating that you get one step forward then two steps back. From an outside perspective, what you're wife is doing is understandable, but not at all constructive for herself, or your marriage. I feel you two need an adjudicator- a couple's councillor- if any real progress will be made. Your wife is beating you up mentally and emotionally, presumably to hurt you as she feels hurt, or perhaps trying to make herself fall out of love with you. And perhaps she is seeking validation for her feelings/perspective also, but you simply do not share the same view. Like you said, you didn't do what you did out of malice or lack of love, and she wants you to confirm that you did.

This inquisition is simply not constructive because there were 30 years involved, and you would not be able to remember everything. And because you are not the same person you were 30 years ago, or even ten years ago.

Tim, I do believe at some point you could benefit from simply saying `no' to this dynamic, because its not working for your marriage. Scary as it may sound, you may need to say to her, you want to work on the more painful issues in your marriage, but only in a setting where there is a third party to provide counsel. You could still see her, but when the conversation comes up, say `yes' to her, ` but not here, not now, we'll do it in a counselling session'. If you stick to that, and make yourself available only in that context, she may come around. She does obviously value your marriage. But it might come down to you to being stronger, so she can't destroy it completely.

Anyway Happy new Year to you! I really like your compassionate and insightful posts too, I hope you'll consider posting on other threads.

[tim55]

Thanks Paul,

I really appreciate the support I have found here, both from volunteers and from other travellers on the road. There has only been one post on this thread that I did not consider of use.

I do look to join in other threads, but feel woefully inadequate to be able to offer any help. There is very little I know well in the area of mental health, just that to some extent we are all broken human beings.

Thanks you for your time here and I wish you a wonderful 2018.

Tim

[tim55]

Hi bindi

Happy New Year, I hope your 2018 is a good year for you.

Talking about insightful posts, this one of yours is very insightful. My wife is not sleeping because of the enormity of what has happened, we spoke on the phone for an hour this morning from 4am. The conversation was more questions about what I had done at a particular time in the past. My answers were not fulsome, I should learn but I don't seem to. I have to remember how much my wife views intent and action to be one and the same thing. My answer was not true in her eyes and that lead onto a unpleasant conversation.

We have talked about couples counselling, and some of the suggestion you make follows on from something a counsellor I have been seeing has suggested. However, I am not sure how asking to delay a conversation might go, especially as I have a history of not bringing up uncomfortable conversations.

I am concerned that not being available for her to work out her anger will just lead to it building, or my wife just walking away......see he really doesn't care about me, if he would he would listen. I believe she does still love me and does still want our marriage at some deeper level. But at the moment it seems completely overshadowed by her immense and understandable pain which manifests as anger and rage. Its directed at me as I have caused her pain like none she has ever felt before.

Thank you for your kind comments about my postings, they do still feel selfish. As I have said to others, I have gone looking for other threads to post on. However, I do feel ill equipped from a knowledge and experience point of view to handle very much in the area of mental health. I will keep trying though.

Tim

[geoff]

hi Tim, I'm still here, and what you have been through and experienced over the past 30 years well and truly qualifies in helping other people, so instead of your particular addiction it can be related to someone who is addicted to alcohol, the principle is the same.

Remember that you also join those who are the 'far wiser heads in this place', I assure you of this, just imagine yourself in their position or what you would say to them, after all this time you have it too. Geoff.

[tim55]

Thanks Geoff,

Happy New Year.

I am only just starting out the the journey of recovery. I have been lucky in my sobriety, so far it has come relatively easily, I expect that has a lot to do with crisis following discovery.

I will try to help others, for in doing so we help ourselves as well.

Tim

[Croix]

Dear Tim~

I think Bindi's reasoning pretty good.

As far as helping others here goes it is easy to be put off when surrounded by long-term posters, and to think that are wiser as a result. While experience helps it is something one starts doing while worried one will do the wrong thing or do harm.

Assisting others here is a bit like a jig-saw, each person can provide something and all together - hopefully - it does some good. I started when I found one little bit of my own experience answered something someone else was worried about, so I talked about just that one thing.

I think you already have a lot to contribute, though please done't feel pressured, it will come naturally when the time is right

Croix

[tim55]

Hi Croix,

Yes bindi's reasoning is good. The implementation of it is something that is not going to be easy. My wife had mentioned needing a strategy to stop something happening. I'm not sure if she was talking about dealing with situations that lead to anger and ugly conversations or something else. We have not really been talking well over the past 24 hours or so.

I am hoping to just add my experience, when and where I can. Carefully as I know I am by no means an expert and there are many matters of gravity discussed here, very important to the people who post here. You are right about not wanting to make things worse.

Tim

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Tim, I can understand that you would not want to make your wife to feel shut down; I agree that would feel too hurtful for your wife and probably inflame the situation. I like what your wife said about forming a strategy, I hope that means she is open to trying a new approach?

The most complex aspect of this betrayal is the fact it spans 30 years, and I have a lot of appreciation of that, since my partner's betrayal spanned 10 years. Our situation was little different, in that most of my partner's behaviour was documented in the form of internet chats etc. So although my partner was evasive, the truth was all laid out for me.

I found that when I was presented with so much painful truth, I lost my stomach for it after a certain point. I could have read every detail spanning ten years but it destroyed my self worth, was too painful, led to fights, and more pain. We could have done that for a really long time, but I feel now that it was toxic for the relationship, beyond a certain point, and harmful for me. If you and your wife were to continue this indefinitely, covering every detail across 30 years, can you imagine the situation? Its would be an abusive relationship at best, but most likely lead to divorce. You wife is caught in loop pain- Whilst hearing the truth fulfills some her her needs, it undermines her need to feel safe again and cherished. And its complicated by the fact that you don't like to see her suffer, so you are evasive about anything that will cause her more pain.

A relationship counseller would likely be full of ideas for strategies for managing this. I feel personally, that what started to work for me was to stop focussing on uncovering painful details, and frame the issues macroscopically, if that makes sense. The issues that caused my loss of self worth and loss of trust were probably less than half a dozen main issues. Once they were clear in my head, and we focused on those, we were able to start having productive discussions. Still painful, but productive.

Anyway I hope the two of you can find a way to transition to discussions that are constructive, Tim. I know how hard this is for you, and as always I hope for the best.