I think my 30 year marriage is over

[tim55]

Hi every body,

This is my first post and I'm not sure if this is the right place for what is going on. I guess I'll just put up my story and see what happens.

I was discovered betraying my wife of 30 plus years through the use of internet pornography, by my 18 year old daughter. That was about 4 months ago. Many would say I was addicted, I'm still not sure if that is right or not. Since then I have done pretty well dealing with that side of the problem. Through some counselling, reconnecting with my faith and involvement with a 12 step program, I am "sober" since discovery. I have lied and deceived even after discovery trying to minimise what I had done. The full truth all came out about 2 weeks ago.

My wife and I have been on a roller coaster about what will happen with our marriage. At the moment it looks as though our marriage will end. I am currently living out of the family home and pretty well every interaction I have with my wife upsets her peace. I don't think she is on the road to any healing; that is now just about out of my hands. Any suggestion I make is rejected vehemently.

Its now becoming clear that I will not be spending Christmas with my family. Having me in the house is just the catalyst for my wife's pain and hurt, leading to anger that just spills over our adult children. So I expect to stay away.

I have no family where I am living, although, I have cut myself off from them. My father was a verbally abusive man who introduced me to pornography. I have some support through a church, however, he will be out of the city from tomorrow and has a family of his own to care for. So I am staring at the likelihood of being alone for Christmas. One of the characteristics of an addict is pushing people away and I have done that, with no real friends at all.

There are some things I know I can do. I will be attending Church on Christmas Day, possibly with the family, but I'm not expecting that. I guess I am looking for suggestions about dealing with a weeks worth of days by myself as work will shut it's doors. I will be tackling my addictive issues separately with my counsellor. I'm looking for some general suggestions.

Thanks

[Frankly]

Hiya. Well this takes me into my music background...strangely? But I don't or pretend to know all about addiction...and watching porn is one! But and this is a funny thing..well not funny but a repeatative remark. And yes I know guys who've been been caught looking at porn..hey..looked at it myself.. it's pictures and movies of other..'other'people having sex! Now other people putting up tents in the dark...i'd watch and learn..generally what not to do. Sex..nope. at the end of the day it's a sensation..not visual.. a sensation!

Back to my point of all the guys that have confided..not solely in my presence..we're muzo's.

But a funny thing! All..not most have said at the moment of most pleasure they actually thought of their wives/partners? And felt dirty afterwards...well..not about their wives/partners. But about the bit before. Nothing about sex is dirty or perverse between two...yep two adults. Sounds a bit to me like you need to be less affraid and if you want something more from your..partner. Ask! She'll either be pleasantly surprised or a little shocked? Surprised is always nice..shock fades!😉

[tim55]

Hi bindi,

Sorry about being slow to reply, I've actually been spending some time in the family home working around the house, plus yesterday was my wife's birthday.

There is probably much about what I have done in the past that my wife will never accept as being beyond my control. Yes some of the things that happened to me as a child were. But there have been a lot of choices since then that I made and now regret deeply.

It is not my job to be somebody who I am not. However, I have had 44 years of being somebody who has been acting in a manner that is not who I could or should have been. I have shaken off a mantle over the past 4 months and want to see the man who I might become. I believe my wife likes what she has seen of that man, so I want to be more than I have before.

I will never be able to escape my past, nor should I deny it. I have to find a way to grow beyond it, so it is something I can look back on and say never again. My wife needs to be able to deal with all of the pain, rejection and destruction of the past 34 years and like me grow beyond it. We will never forget what has happened. But married or not we both have to get to a place that those events cannot hurt us again.

I think we will end up trying, together. If we can do what I am hoping together, then we will have a stronger marriage. If we can't, then, we will reach a point where we both no that life apart will be best for us both and will hopefully part on agreeable terms.

I might not deserve a life of being chastised, however, I do need to take responsibility for what I have done. Without doing that there is no best I can be, just a continuation of what I have been in the past.

[blondguy]

Hello Tim

Im sorry that you hard time at Christmas

You are a proactive and respectful person Tim. Just by being on the forums is a huge sign of your core strength

You made an excellent point about "My wife needs to be able to deal with all of the pain" and grow beyond it.

You cant be a 'continuation' of what you have been in the past as you have been so strong and open about your past. That in itself is 'acceptance' and healing. I admire your strength and your values Tim

My Kindest thoughts

Paul

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Tim, Thank you for the update, you sound a bit better after spending some time at your house again. I hope you had a peaceful day celebrating your wife's birthday together.

I mentioned I had gone through something similar in my relationship. Everyone woman is different, but I would expect your wife's pain to come and go. Its hard to let go of 30 years of actions that say your husband did not share your values, values you thought you shared, and which made you feel safe. But if she can keep focused on the moment, on your behaviour in the present, she will make it through. I think for your part, you can only reinforce that you felt you made a mistake, and that your behaviour did not represent who you feel you were, or are now. She will be fighting off the feeling that actions speak louder than words.

This has frightened your wife deeply; she wanted to run , but she was brave enough to give you a second chance. Just continue to be solid in your love for her, if you can. Try to remind her that you do share the same values, and you value her for everything she is, the whole woman she, is inside and out. Those are the kind of reassurances she may need to hear, to heal her wounds. Try to keep her in the moment, and not the past.

I really hope the best for you Tim. I think you're a good person, who clearly feels he made mistakes , that misrepresented the person you are, and want to be. I have some belief that you can get this across to your wife in time, just as you have got it across to us.

[Croix]

Dear Tim~

I'm very glad indeed there seems to be some hope for your marriage, I think it is something you really need for many reasons, hopefully your wife needs it too.

You did say

I might not deserve a life of being chastised, however, I do need to take responsibility for what I have done

That's true of course, though I've never found marriage is that cut and dried, and sometimes one does accept blame and reactions - at least for a while - even if inappropriate as it is the only thing the other person has. I guess you are wise enough to see this without me laboring the point.

You are already better than you were - and that was not so terrible a person either.

Croix

[tim55]

Hi bindi,

I might think I am a good person at heart, and I certainly try to be. However, I have failed again. The short version was a question was asked about my past. The frustrating thing is that I do not remember everything I have done. The conversation started in the car, not a good place to have a conversation like that. then I said somethings that were inconsistent. This is a deadly combination with my wife who is a very precise person with a very good ability to hold details. My wife asked me to come back to the conversation as we were travelling to do some shopping and drop off our daughter.

I didn't restart the conversation again, a grievous error on my part. When my wife did start the conversation, things went very badly, abusive again and because I have lied, my wife again wants to end the marriage. She considers I have always been a liar, will always be a liar.

I find it frustrating when my wife makes up her mind what the truth is, even if I know it is not the case. If I try to explain or provide my understanding of what happened, I am a liar in her view and I am lying again.

I am trying to be honest, and truthful. My wife sees me as somebody who is at best evasive (lying), honest but providing no detail so then....lying.

Like you I would hope to keep her focussed on the present, the person I am becoming. the lies happen mostly when we are dealing with the past, where I both have shame and poor recollection of exactly what I have done.

It is hard to deal with 30 years of betrayal. My wife will not accept the role addiction has had in this. She does not accept this is not about her. Yes I continued, and I am responsible for my actions. I am not looking to blame something for my actions. However, in my wife's view this is all about my not loving her.

I am rather stuffed up by my past, but as I am not completely honest, instantly, our marriage is unlikely to survive.

[blondguy]

Hi Tim

I know that you are going through a very difficult period. I hope your wife can have the kindness to forgive you. I have several friends that are practicing Catholics and forgiveness is an integral part of their faith. Can I ask if your wife is of the Catholic faith?

In the meantime I hope you can have the best New Years Eve you can possibly have during this time

My Kind thoughts for you Tim

Paul

[tim55]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for the kind words. As I have told bindi, there was hope for my marriage and I went and stuffed it up again.

I might be a better person than I was, but at the moment I am still not a good person, despite my efforts.

I do believe we both need our marriage, there was a lot good about it before I was discovered. But anything good I may have done has been washed away by years of evil done in secret.

The believer in me still trusts in God and that He wants to see our marriage survive. That is a big act of faith, against a great deal of evidence to the contrary, my wife wants little to do with me today.

[tim55]

Hi Paul,

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

My wife and I are both practising Catholics, this is a double edged sword. Despite never touching another woman, my wife sees my use of pornography and internet sex chat as adultery, thousands upon thousands of times.

The Catholic faith does have forgiveness as an integral part of the the faith. Whether or not my wife will forgive me is one thing. However, reconciliation is another matter entirely.

I hope you have a good New Year's Eve and a great start to 2018.

Tim

[blondguy]

Thankyou Tim for being a part of the Beyond Blue Family

and for the heartfelt wishes too!

My very best for you

Paul