I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

[Ghost_76]

I'm new to this. Just needed to talk to someone... anyone... need to know I'm not crazy

[Birdy77]

Hey Ghost,

Your mother is walking around emotionally manipulating you! How dare she?! She is sulking about you not opening up to her? Ummm hello? Why would you, considering everything?!

Please try to not take on her manipulative behaviour. Thst is truly toxic stuff, i lived with exactly those mind games andvthey do your head in (as you well know).

You keep saying it's your fault but it's not!! You are doing the best you can right now. Does your hubby know what happened with your brother and his friends and your mother's reaction to it?

How long will she be staying with you?

Thinking of you.

🌻 birdy

P.S. it's ok about the therapist, you can try a different one. Did the gp give you a list of them that bulk bill? If you can, try to mention the self harm, could get some strategies. You could try searching for self harm prevention strategies on this site, I've heard others talking of it but I'm not sure myself. Big caring thoughts xoxo

[Ghost_76]

Hi Birdy...

Thank you for your ongoing support. How are you today?? I truly hope that you are doing well - I think that someone like you deserve only sunshine.

Hubby knows almost everything... the therapist I saw the first time told my husband everything I had told him. I'm guessing that's why he's struggling to deal with my past. I decided not to share some other things after that.

My mother is leaving the beginning of Feb... she's really turning on the "poor me" act... it's really driving me crazy. I feel guilty, because I know that I'm going to feel bad when she leaves. I should mention that she doesn't live in Oz, so I don't see her that often. Before my Dad past away I have not seen them in 3 years. But then he died... and I had to go to his funeral. Probaly wasn't the best idea to go alone... Then she came over last year and again this year... I don't know, Birdy... I'm just finding it really hard to deal with her this time round. I had similar feelings last time, but this time it's very, very hard.

Thanks again for the support.

[Doolhof]

Hi Ghost,

It is tough when you feel so tired and don't know which way is up anymore, or when you do locate the exit, you don't have the strength to get there.

Having your Mum there with all the triggers that must bring out in you can't be easy. It is hard to understand why an adult, your parent was not there to support, love and care for you as you needed them to when you were a child.

I find it difficult when my Mum now reaches out to be offering assistance. It hasn't been there for 9/10 of my life, why start now?

My Mum complains when I don't like here helping me in the kitchen or else where. I realise she wants and NEEDS to feel helpful, but I find it hard sometimes. One day after I had hung out my washing, I noticed Mum went out an re-hung a lot of it! I just stood in the kitchen watching her and laughed.

For me, to be able to move on, I had to let go of a lot of hurt and pain. My situation is totally different from yours, I didn't have an evil brother to start with.

Can you try some totally different activities with your Mum? I created a new relationship with my Mum. It was like I had to separate her from the Mum I so desired as a child with the person she is today, a woman who has her own demons and trials, her own painful memories and broken dreams.

I quite often have to bite my tongue and turn a blind eye, but while doing so I recognise would I have been any different if I had walked in her shoes?

I'm not suggesting for a moment that you should accept what happened to you and also accept the lack of help you needed from your Mum. There are just some things other people can not deal with and can not help us with. I had to move on. I have to work on me. I can not change anyone else.

Sending you hugs if you would like them Ghost, from Dools

[Birdy77]

Hi Ghost,

I am so glad Dools had some words of wisdom about relationships with mothers. I learnt from your post Dools, so, thank you. It's something i need to learn in my frustrating mother/daughter relationship too.

Ghost i understand your feelings about guilt after your mother leaves back overseas. I live away from my mother too (interstate), and hardly see her. The time spent with her is fraught with frustration and all sorts of emotions, but then when I'm apart from her and she's going through chemo or something else i feel so guilty and weird. Not easy, relationships, hey?

I hear what you're saying about the trigger being your Dad's passing. At that point, subsconsciously the floodgates were probably propped ajar, having to see your brother after 12 years, and seeing your mother after 3, and slowly slowly slowly, the "stuff" behind those floodgates have been seeping, seeping, seeping and now that your mother is here again, those floodgates have kinda burst and it's now drowning you. Or that is how it's feeling.

But Ghost, you're not drowning, you're holding on really well and reaching here for help which is awesome and I'm really happy to be here with you.

Hey, how did your GP appt go yesterday?

Sorry i wasn't around yesterday.

🌻birdy

[Ghost_76]

Thanks Dools and Birdy... How are you two doing? I really hope both of you are doing well.

Wow... mothers... does my head in. It's so true - she needs to feel helpful all the time, but it drives me nuts. I'm really struggling to deal with her - I'm trying hard to find something to talk about, but I just can't. I can't even look at her... I hate how she tries to make me feel guilty about not being able to talk to her! I hate the fact how her tone of voice changes when she talks to my brother over the phone and then she is all dissapointed when I don't want to talk to him or hear how he's doing...

I think my floodgates are stuffed... I don't know - everyday is getting harder... I'm looking at the people around me and I feel totally alone... I can't seem to talk to people anymore. I don't want to bother them. They have their own lives and problems - they don't need to deal with mine. I feel guilty talking on here as well... you all have issues and problems. Thank you for all your support and advise.

It's harder this time around - my depression... it's so much more intense... I can't seem to get my head above water. I feel alone in this and I can't seem to talk to anyone...

The GP appointment was okay. She gave me something to sleep... not sure if I'll take it yet. I know you're wondering why... that's another story...don't think I can share that one just yet... I did not tell her about the self-harming... I feel stupid and ashamed...

[Birdy77]

Hi Ghost 😊

There's lots to respond to in your post. I will just cover a couple of points tonight, & respond more tomorrow.

Hey i just thought, you say you often have your headphones in, what music do you like? I'm listening to Coldplay The Scientist while i post this.

You NEVER need to feel guilty about posting here. We are here because we want to be here. There is nothing forcing us to be here. We want to here your story.

And like i said, I've been following you since your very first post and i care for you and what happens to you.

So don't let that be a concern for you.

I understand not wanting to share with the gp about the self harm. Not sure what to suggest there ... someone else might be able to suggest something?

when do you see your therapist again?

With the sleeping pills, you don't need to tell us anything you don't want to tell. I've never done the sleeping pill thing. Don't do the sleeping pill thing if it doesn't sit well with you Ghost, especially if you have a bad history with it ok?

Sorry Ghost I'm hopeless tonight, i might try again tomorrow.

You're very much in my thoughts.

Can you let me know how you're going tomorrow?

Sorry I've been crap tonight 😔

🌻birdy

[Ghost_76]

Hey Birdy... please don't ever think that you are crap - you're not. You are amazing.

I'm listening a lot to Linkin Park. The Scientist is also on my play list...

Sorry I'll post again tomorrow. Not having a good day... nearly lost my shit in front of the whole office...

[Birdy77]

Hey Ghost 😊

I am wishing for you today a much better day than yesterday. I hope you were able to get a bit of sleep?

You said on DB's thread that you've tried meditations before but find it hard to calm your mind. I just thought I'd share with you something that helped me a lot during a period of extreme distress.

You might have heard of it, Yoga Nidra ... there are different ones and you can get them online and through apps but the one i used was very very simple that i had on my ipod and i used it every single night for a period of months.

It's like a guided meditation, and the one i used just takes you through every part of your body, moving your awareness to each part following the guiding voice.

I found it extremely effective because it pulls your awareness into your body, and there is a constant voice to follow, rather than periods of silence.

Apparently an hour of it can bring as much rest and relaxation as four hours of sleep, and most times i did it, i fell asleep, which at that time of my life, was a big achievement. Anyway i thought I'd mention it in case it's something you might like to look into trying.

I know things are really difficult for you at the moment. I would love for you to see this as the phase that it is ... you are going to move through this, and the darkness will eventually pass. You are already taking steps to move through it by seeing the doctor, trying to find the right therapist and being here on this forum with people who care about you and will support you.

I read a beautiful poem yesterday and i thought of you. Another bb member posted it on a thread i made. The poem is called The Trough by Judy Brown. Google it, or check it out on the thread "words of comfort, encouragement and wisdom". Or i will post it again here for you if you can't find it. They are words for you right now in this moment of your life.

Sending sunshine and rainbow peace bubbles to you today 🌞🌈

🌻birdy

[Ghost_76]

Hi Birdy,

How are you? I'm not asking because I'm being polite - I'm asking, because I really want to know and care. Thanks for the poem... it's really good.

Sleep is still avoiding me - had 1 hour Wednesday night and 3 hours last night... I'll try your yoga thing. I had another crazy day yesterday. I think I must be the only person in the world that's not happy about it being Friday today...

I posted on DB thread too - I made a small step forward... Baby steps, I guess...

I'm wishing you a fantastic weekend full of happiness.

[Birdy77]

Hi Ghost,

I am so glad you found the poem and you liked it. Keep it in mind on those hard days.

I'm having a bit of anxiety right now, and need to practice some self care today, i will tell you about it later.

I read your post on DBs thread, and i think it's so good that you had that talk with your friend. Is that the same friend that you opened up a bit to last time and then felt distance, or someone else? I am very happy that you have made that pact with him and that he is there to support you. Baby steps are the best steps Ghost.

I have to go, but i also wanted to offer you a song for today, melanie martinez mad hatter, in reference to the other post, just for fun, hope you get my meaning 😉.

Did you get any sleep last night? Glad you will consider the yoga nidra. Might need to try a few until you find one that works.

😙

🌻birdy