Hi Ghost,
How are you feeling today?
I know you are feeling so incredibly tired. Tired of everything. Not only are you holding all this horror inside you and experiencing these huge waves that you feel are pulling you down below the surface, but you are also living your everyday life of wife, mother, colleague, daughter and caring for everybody else. The kids, husband, mother, plus all the added crap of what friend you're "allowed" to talk to, what gender your gp or psych are, what clothes/perfume you put on. I'm exhausted just typing it onto the screen let alone living it. No wonder you're so tired Ghost.
It is totally appalling that your mother violated your privacy by reading your diary, but absolutely abhorrent that she would then choose to rip into you about language used rather than being deeply concerned at the content (despair, hopelessness, your life falling apart). How could she not take her precious little girl into her arms and want to make everything better for this innocent little darling that she brought intothis world???? It's devastating Ghost.
Her golden child. Yuck. Well, eventually you were able to tell her what happened and she told you it wasn't too bad what happened. That is unacceptable. She is basically accepting that it happened and to get over it. Not ok.
Your mother has a lot to answer for. Do you think this has all started to unravel for you again because your mother is there? If i remember correctly, this all started to get on top of you and make you feel as if you were drowning again just prior to your mother arriving? And she's been there ever since. It is not surprising to me that this has been a month of turmoil for you, with this huge trigger (your mother) in your personal space constantly.
You said "I dont need her help to do the bloody dishes! Where was she when i needed her as a child!!!" Hell yes!! Hell. Yes.
You have so many completely valid feelings raging inside you, i hope that writing some of it down here is helping even just the tiniest bit, and don't forget you can print it off and give it to therapist if you feel too overwhelmed to say stuff. I can't tell you the feeling of validation i felt when i first started to lift the lid on my childhood with a good therapist... it can change everything Ghost, i swear.
How are things going with your partner after the "festive fallout"? Has he committed to sorting through his issues?
Thinking of you Ghost.
Take gentle care of you.
🌻 birdy
