I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

Thanks for posting Taurus, it's nice to know that people come by my little thread 🙂

I don't know what to say about my family anymore, other than I'm si relieved I no longer feel guilty for talking about them the way I do. They packed up and ran away when the going got tough, it's time for me to do the same.

They no longer exist as far as I'm concerned, except for the help from my dad that I deserve, but will have to fight SO hard to get. I'm not entirely sure I have this fight in me though

[Croix]

Dear Narelle~

Thank you for changing the thread. It's lovely to come here and not be hit by feeling sad just as soon as I look at the title. It is a reminder to me -and perhaps to you - that things don't have to stay the same forever.

There was a time in my own case when I thought they did, I was wrong of course (not an unusual situation for me:)

Remembering families - um. Mine cut me off (story elsewhere in another thread) and for many years I could not get rid of the quite mistaken feelings I was wrong, could have tried harder, been more accommodating.

Even though intellectually I knew I was well rid of them and that they had unintentionally done me a favor.

Very many yeas later I saw my mother, who had not changed, just as toxic. I had by then reached the stage of indifference, and just felt sad for her like I would for anyone that was crippled - though her limitation was in her mind.

I am not my family, you are not yours. Mine were all the same (except for my grandmother, but that's another story.)

I'm telling you this because how one feels about one's family is complicated and not logical and runs deep. In time I found my feelings became quiet and I was able to put away guilt, hate, judgments about my self that were wrong and all the rest.

Dunno if all that helps, take care of yourself

Croix

[Music_Freak]

Thanks for posting Croix 🙂

I'm having a bit of a nothing day today, I've barely left my bed or eaten (just had lunch, my first meal today). Just feeling really flat, staring at my ceiling fan

Families suck, mine act like they never did anything wrong, so yay, my feelings are invalid 😞

I can't forget though...stepping away is it, I think

[Guest_322]

Hi Narelle,

Your family doesn't sound like much of a family; they put you down and call you names. That's not okay. It must hurt a lot. Your family reminds me of this quote:

All happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

- Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy

Today sounds like it was a pretty "blah" day. Maybe your family has worn you out with their vicious comments. What they said wasn't okay.

Hang in there.

Dottie x

[Music_Freak]

Yeah, they've worn me out since they said them years ago. The worse part is that it's all OK to them, so whatever I say or feel is just dismissed...so it slowly kills me. I wish I could forget.

I've had a lazy day today and only done a bit of sewing curtains and taking Buddy outside.

I've got a jobsearch job network appointment tomorrow and I'm feeling really meh about it, I'll have to drag myself there 😞 I might bus it to get some exercise, I'm not sure

[Guest_322]

Hi Narelle,

Totally hear you about the family struggles. It's hurtful when families don't hear you and invalidate your feelings and brush you off. Ouch. If only forgetting were that easy...I bet this forum wouldn't exist if that were the case..

Sounds like you needed a chill day with Buddy. A tad hypocritical coming from me but chill days are healthy.

Uni pace is picking up- the usual drill with assessments and what not (aka pains in the butt). I like learning but I don't like assignments or exams.

How did the JobSearch appointment go (if you don't mind my asking)?

Dottie x

[Music_Freak]

I've started to get really anxious about going back to volunteering over the last few days...it's seems like that's a constant in my life 😞

The appointment went OK, I managed to get a lift with one of the girls in the group since I didn't drive, we seem to get along well and me being me, I'm waiting for her to disappear like all my other “friends” have.

Yeah, I hate assignments and exams and stuff too, it sort of destroys the learning process, I think.

Every day is a chill day when you're me, I don't do much at all. But I'll take it easy, doing the minimum 🙂

[Guest_1055]

Hey Narelle,

I am so sorry your family let you down. That must hurt real bad. Do you feel rejected by them do you think? Maybe real deep down, perhaps from childhood. I do believe Dottie is on to something there by sort of saying if we were loved and treated precious and wanted by our parents then these forums may not exist.

What do think Narelle, I would love to know your thoughts there?

Also what is it that is making you anxious or scared to go to volunteering? Are you frightened of people or worried you may be rejected or is it something else?

I hope you don't mind me asking?

Shell xx

[Guest_1055]

Oh I hope you don't feel pressured to respond to my questions Narelle? You are free to answer or not. All cool!

Hope you day was a good one today..

shell xx

[Music_Freak]

It's alright Shell, questions give me something to type when I don't know what to say 🙂

I told my supervisor that I'd try to go back after Easter. I think she's on leave a well around then, so I'll have to double check...I'm even stressing a bit about that!

I'm going to start working on a fictional book this week, I doubt I'll get it published or anything, but it's something to keep me occupied