I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

I'm hoping to go in and volunteer tomorrow and can't stop thinking about it. I want to get the monkey off my back and finally go...but then there's getting in there.

I really don't need a heatwave to happen right now 😞

[Music_Freak]

Scrap even bothering, I've got nothing for lunch. I tried using my card and it got declined. Pay day is Wednesday

I hate my life.

[Music_Freak]

I've got a change tin that I could try and buy something with, but I can't face going back to the shops after my card got declined.

I've got to change an appointment and I can't face that either. I feel like I can't breathe.

I'm in tears over all this even. It and I am so stupid...

[JessF]

Hello MF, it's horrible when something just pushes you over the edge, isn't it? What I can see is that you're willing to fight against the "I can't do it" messages in your brain. Your card got declined; you feel embarrassed. But you've found some cash at home as an alternative. One step at a time... once you've had time for the tears to slow down, and taken a few deep breaths, why not try going back to the shops with some cash to get some lunch? It's likely that the people behind the counter won't even remember you, and even if they do, people have cards being declined at shops all the time - it makes absolutely no difference to their day. Could you try making that trip to the shops your mission for the day?

[Music_Freak]

It's just one of those days today, I think 😞

I managed to change the appointment time for next week and will see about the shops later when it's not so hot, or I just won't go in. I'll see later.

I've crossed one thing off the list at least

[JessF]

It's good that you can still get things done on "those days". Only a little while ago you felt like you couldn't face changing the appointment and you've done it! That's earned some self-kindness at least. It's so hard on days like that to do anything, and then we beat ourselves up on top of it all.

[Music_Freak]

I still feel sick, all churned up and headachy, but something (albeit little) is done. I probably sounded like a studdering fool on the phone, but still.

I'm hoping this isn't the start of another bout of stomach pain from stress/anxiety that I randomly get...

[Music_Freak]

Well, I really do feel like a waste of space today, I didn't go in to volunteer and I've been sleeping all day...yay, I have an early appointment in the morning, so that'll be one hell of a struggle.

Then I'm back on the merry go round.

I have to make changes and soon, I just wish I knew where to start

[Guest_322]

Hi Narelle,

The past few days must have been difficult for you. I agree with Jess F that you're making progress- well done on changing the appointment. Speaking of appointments, how did it go today?

It does seem very hard for you to go to volunteering. Hey, not going to volunteering and spending the day sleeping doesn't make you "a waste of space." Maybe you just needed rest.

I love your desire to make changes. I think it's fantastic! I guess one downside of making changes is feeling overwhelmed- could you maybe just pick 1 thing that you want to change? Like a starting point.

Dottie x

[Music_Freak]

I think sleep is one thing I should change, hopefully then everything will start to fall into place.

I'm planning on going to my GP next week (when it's not so hot) so maybe they'll have something to say if my getting up with an alarm regardless of how much sleep I've had doesn't work over the weekend

The appointment was OK. I had a chat with my consultant and left 30 mins early which helped. Then I came home and snoozed with Buddy curled up next to me