I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

I'm really struggling lately...

[Music_Freak]

Well, I guess I should post since we're almost four months into the year...

Buddy is still with me, still not sure for how long and I cry almost daily about that.

Neighbour is still their annoying stupid self and likely won't ever get a clue...they're into the 15th year of this...

I have an oral presentation via zoom about the AASW and my placement on the 31st, so NOT looking forward to that!!!

Uni is meh...I'm part way through placement with the Australian Association of Social Workers, being a part of their international students research project and the Domestic Violence (an area I'm thinking about going into) and Child Protection groups to hopefully do something worthwhile. I work mostly from home, doing stuff via zoom, so at least I don't have to leave Buddy home alone...until the last placement that is, if he's still here, but I have a years worth of subjects to get through before that happens.

That's it.

[Music_Freak]

Wow...nearly a year since I posted here...

Buddy's still going, I'm grateful for every week I have with him now. He's doing OK, but I can't forget how sick he really is.

I've adopted another cat, well kitten. I named her Gertie because she's white with a nerdy looking part in grey that looks like a hairstyle. Her tail is grey too. I got her from my vet last year, she's 7 months old now and LOVES Buddy!! It's very cute when I catch him licking her.

I've got about 6 months of uni left and I can't wait until it's over, but that thought is really terrifying at the same time... it's been a crazy busy semester so far and I'm not sure I'm coping that great but I have to get through it.

[quirkywords]

Music

wow I remember when you were thinking about whether you should study but now you are nearly finished.

[Music_Freak]

It's been a hard slog and I'm sure my mental health has suffered a bit for it, but life has to be worth more than how I was living

Now I worry about getting a job...

[quirkywords]

Music, Wondering how life is going for you recently.

[Music_Freak]

Thanks for checking in quirkywords, it is much appreciated, even if it's taken me this long to reply.

Well, Buddy is his normal self still, and Gertie still adores him, but my life hasn't been great.

The six months of uni left isn't happening now because I didn't satisfy my first field placement requirements, and need to do extra when the uni sorts something out for me. It could be six months or a year until I can complete my final placement and graduate. I was looking forward to it all being over and feel like a failure when everyone I know is carrying on towards graduating. I'm headed towards jobseeker and likely voluntary work, so feel like I'm treading water. I hate it, I'm too old to just be waiting. Hopefully it's only 6 months, but I'm not holding out much hope at the moment.

I'm going on holiday in Jan-Feb to see my favourite band when they tour here, for four concerts (Auckland, Syd, Bris and Melb). It was meant to be a graduation present to myself, but now that that isn't happening I feel a bit flat about the whole thing.

Other than that, my life is pretty mundane and boring. 

[Music_Freak]

Buddy's taken a turn for the worse and I think I might lose him. I can't help thinking that he waited until I was away from uni for this...

[Music_Freak]

Buddy died on the 17th of August, his kidneys failed. I held him as he slipped away and I'm devastated beyond belief. I'm getting him cremated and really struggling...so much 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Music_Freak,

We are so heartbroken for you in this news. Our small companions are such a huge and healing part of our lives and journeys. It is truly devastating and traumatising to see them go.

Please reach out as much as you need to in this incredibly difficulty time. Are you in contact with any family or friends at the moment? Remember you can reach out to us anytime - 1300 22 4636 if you need to chat. And don't forget our beautiful friends at Griefline who absolutely will hear you out on this.

We are so sorry to hear of your loss, Music. Please stay in touch, don't feel you have to go it alone in this.

Thoughts x

Sophie M