I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

Well, Christmas is over - yay! I basically hibernated in airconditioning eating left overs...now to get through to and past my mum's anniversary, for another year...

Turf still isn't down and mowing's not done, and my to do list is still long, when I'm back at the uni study on the 8th...everything feels like an epic fail. Oh well, I've got 3 weeks off in July...

One thing I have to do is get stuff out on the kerb for a council hard rubbish pick up on the 13th. Hopefully I'll start that when it's cooler on the weekend. I need to take the car for a drive as well.

[Doolhof]

Hi Music_Freak,

Been a while I think since I dropped in for a chat! Air conditioning is excellent this time of year isn't it! At the moment I am doing okay with a fan on.

Sorry to read that thoughts of your Mum and her anniversary are affecting you. It is so understandable! Grief and a sense of loss can be so very emotional. Is there something special you could do in memory of your Mum? I like to light candles when I think of loved ones who are no longer with us.

When we lived in the city, I enjoyed hard rubbish days! I used to work in a community house running programs for children. I found so many excellent toys in the stuff people were checking out! I know of people who have furnished their homes with stuff from kerb side collections. In our country region we don't have that.

Wishing you all the best with your memories and grief around the loss of your Mum.

Regards from Dools

[Birdy77]

Hello MF,

You made it through Christmas ... hibernating in aircon sounds perfect. I hope Buddy enjoyed the coolness and the feast you made for both of you.

"Festive" dates can be so difficult to get through, and you're right, there us no end-date to grief. Just a need to be gentle with ourselves as we feel the absence of people we still love very much. I like to think they are still with us, as long as we carry them in our hearts and minds.

Don't be too hard on yourself about your to-do list ... this is meant to be your holiday, time to relax and recharge. Well done for making the curtain - the turf will get done when it gets done. Before you know it, it will be Jan. 8th and chillaxing time is over!

Give yourself permission to recharge your batteries.

🌻birdy

[Music_Freak]

I'm trying to relax, but it's hard when the guilt sets in...

I finally put the security camera up out the back, only to discover the SD card I bought online isn't being detected. Everything to do with the camera out the front worked fine, but not this time...sick of things not working out for me 😞 Hopefully I can get a refund or exchange. I've emailed.

I was going to attempt to sew shade cloth to put up, but I'm not sure I can face it and it could be too humid. I have to test the SD card in the other camera and move it to a better spot.

Why I bother with anything, I'll never know 😞

[Doolhof]

Hi Music_Freak,

You bother because despite some things not going right, some things do work out well even when we don't acknowledge them.

Hope you manage to have a couple of things go right for you today and then again tomorrow!

Cheers form Dools

[Birdy77]

Dear MF,

Dools of course is right, even though sometimes it feels like everything is going wrong, really maybe a few things are going wrong and a hundred and seven things are actually going right.

It's easy to see the glaringly obvious wrong-things and ignore the subtle and quietly achieving right-things.

Sometimes when something goes wrong I say to myself look, this usually happens in threes, just two more stuff ups to go, and then things will work out for a while.

I hope you and Buddy have a nice day today.

🌻birdy

[Music_Freak]

That sounds like me...only noticing the negative...oh well, I am what I am.

I did manage to mow the front lawn today, so that's one thing out the way. Hopefully I can kill it and put the artificial turf down soon-ish. I probably won't get around to it in time but I can dream. The heat of summer may help the dying part. It was a bit of a “dirt storm” moving such dry, dead lawn/weeds.

Didn't do much else today, too sleepy.

[Doolhof]

Hi Music_Freak,

Mowing the law sounds like an achievement to me!

Sometimes we need extra rest and a nap can be a beneficial thing to do. Nothing like a bit of a snooze to help recharge my batteries again.

It can be hard to see the good stuff. Last night as I was doing the dishes I was a bit cheesed off I am the one who always does them.

Then I had a thought about the refugees on saw on T.V. recently suffering from a flood rushing through their camp, taking away every last thing they owned.

I was happy to have dishes to do. It meant we had money for food, we have clean water, I have a home and so many other thoughts.

It is totally understandable that our minds sometimes get stuck on the negatives and the not so pleasant happenings of life. Sometimes we have to search for the good stuff.

Wishing you well, cheers from Dools

[Music_Freak]

Wow...I haven't been in this thread for a little while. I guess I haven't felt up to doing much.

My first uni subject opened today, it officially starts on the 14th, but I feel stressed or something about it already, I'm not sure what it is but it's there...

Haircut and piercings this week, and GP if I can tolerate the coming heat, or even better, get an appointment before it hits. I might just have to make meds last. I hate the heat and going out in it is horrendous!

Not feeling like myself lately...

[Birdy77]

Hello MF,

It's ok to have a break from posting here ... I've had a break too the last week or so.

Do you have your books and things ready for this study period? It's totally normal to feel nervous again. I felt nervous at the beginning of every single subject. Par for the course I think.

What pirlercings are h happening this week (only if you want to share), and are you having a new hairstyle or still fauxhawking it? I gave my partner a fauxhawk yesterday and then she complained about it, even though that's what she asked for. I told her she can have a full refund.

🌻birdy