I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

Oh my god my head hurts...

I can't even enrol in the uni courses without help...

AND I'M ON MY SECOND CHAT HELP SESSION!!!

Pray for me...the coming 4 years are going to be one hell of a LONG, HARD SLOG

I feel sick...

[Music_Freak]

Done and enrolled but for the free elective. I have to choose one still, that can wait until tomorrow.

After 3-4 hours I turned the laptop off at 2pm and crawled into bed freezing cold, with Buddy.

Trying to decide whether to buy a doona suit or use my heater to fight the cold...with my lack of funds, I'm not sure...

[Music_Freak]

I feel so useless and stupid...I'm in over my head 😞

I don't even know how to cheer myself up...so lost 😞

[Birdy77]

Dear MF,

You are neither useless or stupid!

Haven't you just enrolled in a bunch of subjects for uni!? Well done, time to have a Friday night of chillaxamoondoe.

Do you have something fun to watch tonight? I am extremely excited to have found Offspring season 7 at library, and will be settling in with that shortly once I've finished making this soup. I discovered a 4kg sweet potato in the middle of the patch yesterday ... It was sweet potato wedges last night, sweet potato soup tonight ... you get the idea. Red wine, Offspring, a blankie, makes everything, including a Friday night ok.

How about you?

🌻birdy

[Music_Freak]

I've seen Offspring on Stan, I used to watch it, for a few seasons.

I don't know, I just feel really down or drained...maybe every part of this exercise has been too much for me. Doesn't bode well for the actual study... 😞

I've put frozen dim sims on to steam, since I don't feel up to cooking. And will find some light entertainment to watch, somewhere...and hopefully wake up tomorrow feeling better/different...

[Birdy77]

I think it is natural to feel drained after a period of anticipation ... It saps your energy looking forward to and being anxious about an outcome.

If you can try to ride this wave for what it is, just energetic exhaustion ... use the weekend to relax and recuperate ... All will be ok.

Pats for Buddy 😊

🌻birdy

[Music_Freak]

Thanks for listening/reading/replying Birdy. You'll probably never know just how much I appreciate you being around through all this...

It's been awful in parts and you've been my sane voice of reason throughout, when I've had no one else to talk/vent to.

[Music_Freak]

Completely enrolled now.

Four subjects and I start on the 23rd of July. There's four (I think) online study skills workshops before then though, to try and help me cope OK.

Now for textbooks, new glasses, stationary/supplies and tidying/organising my house and getting on the right centrelink payment and anything else I've forgotten in the next 8-ish weeks.

I'm in bed with Buddy watching netflix, with a bit of a headache today, so taking advantage of available rest time.

[Music_Freak]

Just wrote this on my phone to my sister (and dad to a degree as well), not sure what or if I'll do anything with it. May read it to my psychologist on the 22nd (my mum's birthday is the 23rd, she would have been 74).

Sorry about the caps, but it's how I type notes on my phone that I may not keep.

STARTING UNI IN JULY. YOU ARE MY IN CASE OF EMERGENCY PERSON, SIMPLY BECAUSE THERE IS NOBODY ELSE. I'D LOVE TO THINK MY GETTING A UNI DEGREE WOULD ENTITLE ME TO A MINUTE AMOUNT OF RESPECT, BUT IF THAT HAPPENED IT WOULD JUST SICKEN ME EVEN MORE ABOUT ALL OF YOU.

TELL DAD THANK YOU. HE KEPT ME IN DEBT AND ALONG WITH YOUR TREATMENT, SENT ME PLUMMETING INTO THE DEPTHS OF HELL, MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY, SO I COULDN'T EVEN CONSIDER DOING WHAT I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT DOING FOR YEARS.

HE'S PROBABLY LOVING BEING AROUND THE FAMILY THAT MEANS EVERYTHING TO HIM ANYWAY. I'M THE HAPPIEST AND MOST STRESS FREE I'VE BEEN IN YEARS. FUNNY HOW I'D SEE YOU FOR THE TWICE YEARLY FAMILY GATHERINGS WHEN YOU LIVE LOCALLY AND THAT WOULD BE ENOUGH TO MAKE ME WANT TO CHEW OFF MY OWN ARM TO GET AWAY.

I'M NOT ANGRY OR JEALOUS ANYMORE, LIKE YOU THINK YOU KNOW, JUST SAD AND LEFT WANTING TO KNOW WHY I AND MUM WERE THE (4 letter word) UNDER YOUR AND DAD'S SHOES. MUM EVEN SAID SHE DIDN'T LIKE THE PERSON YOU'D BECOME SO HER ASHES BEING LEFT IN A JUNK CUPBOARD PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE SURPRISED HER.

THIS WAS THE ONE OF MANY THINGS, INCLUDING YOUR CALLING ME A SILVERBACK, THAT BROKE ME AND WHY I HAD TO WALK AWAY, JUST LIKE YOU DID TO ME, FEELING NO GUILT. NEITHER OF YOU SEEM TO KNOW THE MEANING OF REMORSE OR AN APOLOGY ANYWAY. I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS THAT I'M NOTHING LIKE EITHER OF YOU AND FOR THAT, I'M GLAD.

[smallwolf]

MF,

Well done on the offer. Super happy for you. Birdy has provided plenty of good advice re Uni. I can't remember what degree you are doing, but there are two ways of tackling each subject. I have done a science based degree and the current one is arts based. With arts try to read the material ahead of time and with science typically learn in class and reinforce afterwards. When it comes to assignments, the lecturers will help you also. They won't write it for you, but you can discuss your ideas with them.

On your problems with enrolling in subjects, I would not worry about that. Even though I work with computers, find the students portal at Uni difficult to traverse. When I had to drop a subject recently, I rang the student contact people and they did it for me. Stops me from making a mistake and worrying if I made a mistake. Given the choice I would use student support services every time.

Lastly, and hope I am not scaring you, but when you are a student and get a student card, you will have access to library resources and online access to journals.

I am sure you will find this to be an exciting time.

If you have any questions please let me know.

Tim