I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Music_Freak]

Thank you for your replies/support Dottie, I do appreciate it...a lot

The appointment was OK, just a bit boring, but I did manage to have a bit of a chat to two of the ladies there, it eased the boredom a bit. I'm meant to be going to a thing called dressed for success, which is basically some people dressing us for interviews.

The only issue I have is that it means a full day (9:30-4:30pm) of Centrelink appts (I've got the jobsearch group and the other in the afternoon) I think I might have to do the jobsearch group another day. I reckon it'll be too much otherwise. I did 9:30-1 today and that fried my brain

I'm slowly starting to think about volunteering to get myself into going, but nothing much. I've been given a job to apply for so I'll do that tomorrow with cleaning/sorting my mess of a lounge for when I get a new sofa in a month or so

[Guest_322]

Hi Narelle,

No worries at all- all good 😉

I'm glad your appointment was fairly hiccup free.

9:30-4:30 is a pretty long day. I like your idea of pacing yourself and spreading out the activities over 2 days so you don't wear yourself out.

Tomorrow sounds like a busy day for home duties.

I start uni next week, which I'm actually looking forward to (or at least till the assessments start rolling in then I'll change my tune ha, ha). I think keeping busy will be good for me, you know.

Btw considering your love of music and your username (Music_Freak- love it!), have you ever considered taking up an instrument? I realise instruments tend to be expensive but I've seen ukeleles for under $10.

Maybe even second hand guitars (online) but they're a bit pricier than ukeleles. I was thinking it might be an excellent outlet for you. Or even find some buckets, turn them upside down and you have some drums!

Dottie x

[Music_Freak]

I'm not sure about a musical instrument, I'm not talented at all. I should get back into my writing, but I've been too stressed and unable to settle lately, so have only been listening to music.

I've finally finished my lounge room, so it's all ready for the new sofa...now I have to face my room - eek!

Good luck with uni next week, I wanted to go at one stage, but I don't think I'd bother now, plus the expense/debt would kill me

[Croix]

Dear Narelle~

I'm not sure about a musical instrument, I'm not talented at all.

Now Dottie is going to regard me with utter contempt for life for admitting this -

To give myself a lift years ago I bought an electric keyboard from a charity shop - cost next to nothing. Came with a load of music books that had the note letters printed beside the actual notes on the staves.

The keyboard had a switch that light up letters inside all the keys, so you could see the A note and play the A key.

I got up to the Gold and Silver Waltz before other things took over, but I did get so I could belt out a passable non-chorded tune or two - provided I could see the letters and the keys.

Croix

[Guest_322]

Hi Narelle,

Listening to music is one of the best experiences possible as far as I'm concerned. Maybe when the house situation settles down and you're feeling calmer, you can pick up writing again.

Mad props to you on your lounge room success. Hey, at least that's 1 room down!

Thanks 😊 If you ever change your mind, just know a partial or full deferal of uni fees is an option. If you opt for a 100% deferral, you don't have to pay any fees till you earn "x" amount.

Fair enough but how do you know you're not talented? You might have an undiscovered knack for playing music. Also, I think the most important thing is to enjoy the playing experience rather than aiming for technical perfection.

In saying that, it's totally your choice to pick up (or not pick up) an instrument. I'll respect your decision either way. Sorry, I only suggested it because you love music so much.

Croix, your anecdote made me smile. Smiles aside, there's nothing wrong with electic keyboards that light up. If can aid the learning process.

Dottie x

[Music_Freak]

Hey Croix, I could give a keyboard like that a go, sounds easy enough 🙂

No worries Dottie, I do love music, I'll just leave it for others to play. If I even attempted it, it would be something else my neighbour would complain about

I'm having a bad time and want to cry still, and haven't even attempted my room yet...I don't know where to start anyway...

I have to get my crap together, somehow...

[Guest_322]

Hi Narelle,

Ah, the illuminated keyboard sounds fantastic!

Fair enough, listening to music is great "therapy" too. I'm with you 100% on that one 😊

You sound wiped, like, worn out and overwhelmed. Maybe write a list of what you want to tackle first and last (or even a mental list) to help ease the sense of feeling overwhelmed (?)

I have finished work for the day. I'm working over the weekend too- Sat and Sun- but can't complain as I need the money.

I've been super into Conan Gray's You Think I'm Crazy but it's not everyone's cup of tea (which is totally okay) recently.

Dottie x

[Music_Freak]

A list will have to do because I'm at my wits end.

I. HATE. APPLYING. FOR. JOBS!! It's the most fantastic way to make a person feel more worthless than they already are.

I'm not coping and I don't know how to fix it...

[Music_Freak]

Well...(expletive) I'm in shock...my dad actually put the shade sail up.

I can't believe it

And I applied for another job...so much accomplished on my mums anniversary...

Still not sure about going and volunteering, I might tell a fib about applying for a job and go Tuesday. Start slow and all that

[Guest_322]

Hi Narelle,

Can I offer you a virtual box of tissues (to dry any tears) and flowers (in memory of you mum) on this difficult day?

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. I realise words don't do this sort of loss any justice but I am sorry.

Applying for jobs can certainly be disheartening and frustrating (and all the more when it coincides with anniversary dates). So taking things slowly sounds good. As one of the CCs (Paul) likes to say "be kind and gentle" to yourself.

Dottie x