I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Wednesday]

Oops, no alarm clock? It sounds like the concert is top of mind, have fun. xx

[Music_Freak]

Nope, just slept through it. Got a doctors appointment tomorrow and psychologist in the new year probably.

I'm excited about the concerts, but am feeling very down currently. I've been exercising at home for the last few weeks in the hope that it would help, but it's been a struggle for the last few days.

I'm still waiting for more online friends to get sick of me, but will carry on with concert prep and good thoughts, and hopefully this funk will evaporate soon

[Wednesday]

Good luck with the doctors appt.

It is really hard to beat the funk. I know don't feel worthwhile, but while you keep telling yourself you will lose friends you will. In the sort of circumstance you are meeting friends you have a common interest. As the concert comes and goes that will change and some will drop off. But there may still be someone that you click with. It is really important that you don't let those old negative neural pathways get in the way of making new ones.

You know you are good person, you do deserve friends, some people have a few some have many. personally I am too introverted to have many and am happy with a few.

Try telling yourself you are a good and kind person with a fun sense of humour that people enjoy being around and believe it as you say it ( you have to be positive and you have to believe) the more you say it the more true it will become. Lets build a new neural pathway that is useful for you. You can do it.

Hugs, xx

[Music_Freak]

I'm so terrible at visiting here lately...too distracted with concert trip preparations I guess.

I hope everyone is OK, I'm functioning...just. I feel like a fraud at the moment, like I'm bluffing my way though the days

[Wednesday]

Hi Narelle,

The concert is getting closer, so very exciting. Do you know the phrase fake it until you make it? It's a goodie and if that's what you're doing thats great. Whatever helps.

xx

[Music_Freak]

I do know that phrase and I'm pretty sure it's what I've been doing since Christmas, plus being on auto pilot

On a brighter note I leave for Melbourne on Monday, I'm staying with an online friend there, so I'm super nervous.

Back home Saturday afternoon and will probably be around more after then too

[Wednesday]

I hope you have a fabulous time. No need to apologise for not being around, much better that you are busy doing stuff! Have a ball in Melbourne.

xx

[Music_Freak]

I leave for Melbourne tomorrow for the concert on Tuesday and I'm SO nervous about staying with this friend, I've only known her a year and she has housemates that I've never met.

Oh god, what the hell am I doing?!?

[Wednesday]

You are being amazing. Okay warrior woman you can do this and if not fake it until you make it. Her housemates will probably be fine and you'll hardly see them anyway. Have fabulous time especially at the concert.

xx

[Emmy.]

Hey Narelle. How was Melbourne? xx