I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Wednesday]

Ugh, bad moment. D you think it is looming Centrelink visit that is getting to you?

Damit just when I thought you were eating green and red stuff regularly. Can you try for a baby step today and maybe two tomorrow etc?

Hugs, x

[Music_Freak]

Yeah, it probably is what's going on. I have a lot in my head lately.

I'm going to try and go for a walk on Monday. I went for a little one to the shops today and it was nice, I just wasn't in the mood

I really hope this is a speed bump, I want to be happy for Halestorm in January...maybe once my birthday and Christmas are over with...

[Lost_Girl]

Hey Narelle,

I am glad your Dr visit went well and you have been getting some exercise here and there.

It's nice to have some things to look forward to. Do you go to all the concerts or just a particular one? Are there many?

I am not on as much at the moment as I am having a few issues. I will keep checking in when I can though.

Me xx

[Music_Freak]

There's 3 concerts this time around, on the east coast. I did 3 last year too, so it should be good, expensive (the travel etc.) but good.

I'm having issues with that so called friend again, she's all hormonal and over reacting to everything and thinks she's not at fault for anything. I just can't deal with it anymore...I've been hurt by her and got over it, I'm not going to go backwards

I even booked my own apartment to avoid being in an airbnb with her and some friends. I'm waiting for them to hate me too...

Other than that, I'm doing OK, I'm hoping to do some sewing and stuff this week, and maybe shopping. I'd like to get back into writing before the year is through as well.

Being a little busy is good for me

[Wednesday]

Hi,

I think you're right being a little busy is good for all of us. What are you sewing? What sort of writing do you do? Aghh, friends they can be hard work!

Birthdays and Christmas can be tricky can't they. I still struggle and am tempted to crawl under the duna until it's all over. But sometimes surprises happen. Happy birthday for whenever it is.

Hugs, x

[Music_Freak]

I'm ready to give up on having close friends, they'll be kept at a distance from now on, that's for sure.

I'm sewing and painting a logo on a top for the concerts, to do with my instagram fan account.

I just write fan fiction with band members as characters, pretty lame really, but I haven't done any for a while

[Wednesday]

Hi,

Not lame at all, why woulda you say that? Oh I remember, stop criticising yourself. Wish I could write a story, sounds pretty darn clever to me as does the sewing and painting.

Friends can be hard work, sometimes they are worth it and sometimes not. To be a friend and keep friends yo do need to allow yourself to show your vulnerabilities, it's scary tho. Don't give up on people there are some gems out there, you just haven't found them yet.

x

[Music_Freak]

I think I have given up on people, I don't really want to, but that's just how it is. I show them who I am and they never like it. I'm just defective 😞

I'm having a bad few days or whatever and I have to make phonecalls tomorrow that I forgot about 😞

[Wednesday]

HI,

I get that feeling of being defective too. But when my head is working better I can see that all people are defective. There is a danger of assuming anything. It is easy to assume that a person is really together because that is the front they put on and then they sting you for some reason. But the person underneath is damaged too, everyone has a story. Some stories sound horrible some not so, but it doesn't matter. If something has impacted on you regardless of its intent or the cause it can cause life time scars.

I know someone that was attacked by man with a knife as she was eating her lunch. She also made mistake when she was a young girl at a school performance. Of the two incidents the school performance still terrorises her the most. The knife incident she could come to terms with because she knew the man was unwell and it wasn't her he was aiming for. The school performance embarrassed her and has made any public speaking unbearable for her.

It is important to get to know people well enough to understand what has scarred them. This is when seeing people face to face helps, you can see there body language and the look on their face when certain things come up etc. So that when they respond in an odd way you can start to understand where they are coming from.

Hugs, x

[Music_Freak]

Struggling lately, if it wasn't for Buddy, I'd be so lost.

I'm not even sure lost is even the right word, probably not, but people here have likely felt like I am right now.

I'm going to bite the bullet and try for an appointment with my psychologist this week, if I can even pick up the phone...