I'm really trying to feel better about myself

[Music_Freak]

I don't know where to start with this, there's so much in my head right now...

I've got nothing, but my cat...no job, no friends, far from a family priority etc. etc.

My mum died 10 years ago on 26.2 and I still miss her so badly, she was the only person I had who was in my corner. Everyone else (family, friends that currently aren't talking to me) say I play the victim and am all "woe is me"

My sister's said I look like a silverback gorilla and other such things. She's a bully who gets away with it all, because she's the favourite and "normal" (kids, married, no mental illness - although I have doubts about that last one). My dad's called me fat and said that "You're bent like your mother" (she was bipolar). He lives with me and getting him to do anything is such a battle, he doesn't feel like paying the rent, so it's left to me, goes to work when he feels like it, helps my sister with her house but won't with me etc. etc. etc....I could go on and on with them!!

I have a GP and a psychologist that I should go back to (sessions are free and they're within walking distance), but I wonder if it's worth it when my psychologist said me running an instagram account for a celebrity is me living in fantasy land

I won't write any more, because I can't see anyone replying. I've got nothing and nobody and just want to forget...

[Wednesday]

Hi Narelle,

Way to go, good work on taking buddy for walk and starting try car. I didn't get up until 11am either! I haven't taken Happy for a walk or anything else, you are doing much better than me!

Umm I need to do something besides make tea. Oh, did you manage to get some food?

Good luck with MYOB, maybe you'll feel up to doing a bit today after all.

Hugs, xx

[Wednesday]

PS I forgot to ask about your picture, did you take it, where is it? x

[Music_Freak]

You always manage to make me giggle Wednesday 🙂

My pic is just one I found online somewhere...I could only dream of taking something that good

I've had a shower and am back in bed, so no MYOB today. I might do some over the weekend if I get bored enough, although, I have to clean up my room.

Buddy has had a glorious time knocking things down from everywhere, so it's a right mess 🙂

[Wednesday]

Go Buddy nothing like a bit of tidying up cat style...

Narellllllle, How do you know you can't take a picture like that? You're not giving yourself hard time are you, shock, horror, gasp?

Well' I've done my bit and taken Happy for a walk, but another dog pee'd on him 😞 sigh. Must be time for a cup of tea, I'll drop one into the computer for you. Um maybe not, I spilt something on it the other day and it now has a range of new keyboard crackles, oops

Hugs, xx

PS did I ask about you getting some food...... (said in a whisper so it doesn't sound so bossy)

[Music_Freak]

I'm just making a cup of tea too 🙂

Yes, I called crisis care and they delivered a few bags of essentials so I was able to buy some bananas (better than nothing), hopefully I'll have a little bit of money on payday to buy some things, since I'm in credit on my gas bill

Sorry, I know I should have more confidence in myself, but sadly I don't...never have, that's pretty much why my life is how it is

[Wednesday]

I really needed my cuppa.

I am so pleased you called crisis care and have some food. Well done Narelle that took courage and you did it, great work.

Please don't apologise there is no need too. It's just my bad sense of humour that probably didn't sound like humour, can I blame my English heritage?

It's going to be hard to feel more confident when your feeling so low anyway. Have you managed to get in to see a doctor? I bet your thinking that it's embarrassing, it's not. Lots of people struggle with mental health. To doctors it's quite ordinary. If the doctor you currently use isn't quite your cup of tea (sorry couldn't help the pun), try another one. I tend to choose female doctors they seem easier to talk to for me at least.

You have made some great steps calling CC and today walking Buddy and starting the car.

I hope you don't think this is a bit daft, but when things get really hard I make myself a monster chart. For example, when I had to have a series of six medical treatments, heaps of doctors visits and days of medications that made me ill, I made a chart with the right number of horrible monsters on it. After each treatment/visit/medicine I vigorously coloured over a monster with a black texter. It made me feel better and I could see the monsters reducing. This way it also showed me that I had done something and I was getting there as the monsters reduced. It helped to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Do you think something like that would work for you?

Hugs, xx

[Petra]

Hi Narelle

In the past, where some consider small bumps in the road trivial but to me are like mountains for one reason or another, I visualise myself doing the task many times before attempting it. I close my eyes and see myself going through the motions from start to end. I even know which clothes and shoes I'm going to wear, how I'm going to wear my hair, and my mood (confident of course)! I do this over and over again in my mind until I've worn a path in the brain! That way when it comes to doing the task, I'm not so anxious for example, as my brain has already done the task many times. Brain says "Pet, haven't you got a harder challenge for me?!" I sometimes also imagine what might go wrong, and I think of Plan B and C etc. No nasty surprises that way! You can use this technique for tasks big and small. Perhaps even just getting out of bed at a certain time. My advice is to apply this technique at first to the smallest of things. You could visualise yourself also, behaving confidentially in public for example. I have to do this before presenting to an audience! I used to get shaky hands and other wobbles! I'm getting much better at it now because I visualise calm hands etc. A little thing like just getting out of bed some days starts with a mini-visualisation. I start with the clothes I laid out to wear the night before. I go through what I'm having for breakfast, what jobs I have to do in the day. By this time my brain's demanding I get out of bed and start the day!

Perhaps write down the steps you have to take to get you to your volunteer job and back home again. All of the steps. Then visualise over and over.

I find visualisation a secret weapon that we all have but we just don't know it yet! 😉

Hope you give it a go sometime.

Pet xx

[Music_Freak]

Thanks Pet and Wednesday, I know I have to do something to get back on track, and I so so wish I could act confident - esp. for job interviews...maybe visualisation is the key 🙂

I think I'm feeling a little more positive today, I'm not sure, I don't want to jinx it either way. We'll see what the week brings

[Wednesday]

Hi

Narelle, good for you feeling more positive, it's good to hear. hugs, and a stroke for Buddy. xx

Pet the visualisation is great idea, I'll give it ago myself, ta. Hugs, xx

[Petra]

Great to hear. Yes please do give it a go. I'm looking forward to hearing if and how it works for you both.

xx