I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch 😊

James said it all... Welcome back.

I had been meaning to post a while back and say I had crossed paths with you on another thread giving your support to another member. Wanted to cheer you on actually. I've said before and I'll repeat myself, you're good at expressing yourself.

What's your news? How have you been?

[HamSolo01]

Hi there james

Overall i have been okay yeah. I think last time i was on here was before christmas. Christmas was good, went overseas to auckland with mum dad and sister. Enjoyed it a lot.

New years was pretty low key. Wanted it to be that way.

I had to go back to uni because of a weird technicality but at least i only have 1 week left now.

Other than that i am trying to find things to do and also manage my mental health.

[HamSolo01]

hey Nat

nice to "see" you 🙂

self expression is something i am good at via forums, writing and chat screens. I tend to struggle a fair bit in real life lol

I have tried to 'come out of my shell' so to speak in real life, especially with a new friendship group that is kind of forming atm but I need to do it in a controlled way. If I go too far then I am just a psycho

I hope you have been well. I haven't really been on forums, so that's why I haven't seen yours. I was occasionally jumping on and reading up stuff but that's about it. Pace is crucial for me atm.

My new psych has worked wonders as well. I've come a long way in the small space of time that I have seen him. I only wish I knew of him sooner because then I would've gotten to a better headspace earlier and not be in the predicament I am in atm. It's silly to do that though because I have absolutely no control over it.

Today I have a few things to do which include gym visit (followed by coffee), checking a website for a job my mum told me about, not checking facebook, reading (even though my book won't get here til march lol) and also not using screens (tablet, phone, pc) 30 mins before bed so i can get a better sleep.

I feel quite sad today and I'm worried tbh. But I can't pin it to much at all aside from the things I already know. Trying to stick it out.

On that note, thanks for dropping by Nat. Take care 🙂

[james1]

Hey mitch,

good to hear that you were able to go over to NZ. I love it there.

Have you been continuing the gym? What else have you been up to?

I've been doing heaps of gardening. I didn't think I'd ever enjoy gardening because I despise worms, but here I am growing probably some 20-30 individual plants! It's very satisfying.

James

[HamSolo01]

hey forum

yeah james i am trying to keep up at the gym.. but the past few weeks been a little slack. At least once or twice a week so far. Been trying to improve other aspects of life.

Managed to land a job at uni (even though i am now finished haha) so i can get some of the money back that i have spent there.

Also go involved with a good advocacy program for disability employment. Volunteer basis. It's good to do things beyond your own self i reckon.

At the moment i am pretty okay. Uni finished this week so thats all done. Just got a test to do when i finish my coffee that im enjoying after dropping my sister off.

This past week was heavy and im happy with how i handled it.

My new psych has really allowed me to open up and go deeper into whats giving me grief. You should look up Jordan Peterson too btw. Really good psychologist.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

I just got back on the forums myself from an absence dealing with personal stuff but I must say, well done for how far you have come since late last year. Things really do seem to be looking up for you which was great to read.

Really proud of you.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

Hey thread

I have checked into hospital yesterday and will hopefully be leaving tomorrow.

I had a bad episode of SI and ended up checking myself in to the ED near work. This is the same place I came to some number of years ago. It always helps when I come here. Even if it is the second time.

At the moment I have never felt so alone than I do right now. It makes little sense. But that's how it is.

Other than this set back I am okay

Hope you are well

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

I'm glad you went to the ER and are safe. I'm sorry to hear you feel alone. We do care. Might not seem like it when the replies are slow I'm sorry.

Setbacks happen. They suck. I'm there too (not at hospital, just sliding backwards).

But it's ok. Sounds trite huh. We stay safe and do what we have to to get through this stage. Ask for help (which you've done, good on you). And when it passes we get up and try again. And again. And again.

It feels shit though.

You sound more in control and confident if a bit flat. That's progress in itself.

I'm sorry I'm not helpful. Have taken a needed break from forums and today came back to see if I'm ready to try again (I'm not yet). But I had to reply because you sound very down too.

Can I list the cliches? They may make you angry but I need to hear them too. Cliche doesn't mean they're not true.

• It's going to be ok.
• This feeling will pass.
• Just wait it out.
• There is hope for something better.
• You're a worthwhile person.
• Be kind and gentle to yourself.
• Your life is worth living.
• There are people who love and care about you.
• Just breathe and wait it out.
• Try and get some rest.
• You know you've managed these feelings before and survived.
• You're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

I'm tired and need sleep. I hope this doesn't bring you down. My intention was just to let you know others read and care and you're not alone.

❤ Nat

[HamSolo01]

Thanks Nat 🙂

I have been having a break from these forums as I found it was too much to have two going at once. Dealing with this stuff once over is enough I think

I am at home now and I will try to take it easy this week.

I want to thank you for your post too - you said you were struggling yourself so it's great that you were able to help out just a bit like the way you did 🙂

I like to think that cliches are cliches because they are true. There is a reason they are cliches in other words.

I do sound flat because I am. Makes sense right? haha.

The interview with the doctor/psychiatrist today was useful. He said that i was intelligent and that I need to find the balance (well he more or less inferred this in what he said). Sometimes I need to "just do" things. Other times I need to step back. Other times I need to gather information then decide.

The challenges ahead are MASSIVE but I have determination to get there.

Thanks Nat 🙂

Take care of yourself.

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

Thanks for letting us all know you are home and safe.

And for putting up with my garbled reply. I'm glad it helped, it helped me to write it too.

I think your writing style has changed. You seem a lot more calm somehow. I took it as flat but now I'm not so sure. Yes you're struggling right now but you do seem more in control. Maybe this psych and your work is helping you?

Or maybe it's the online psych you mentioned a while ago (I did look at his stuff but it didn't suit me).

No I haven't been feeling very well. Am slowly trying to find posts I can reply to and log off not feeling triggered. But writing does help me usually. I can imagine you would need a break. I'm not sold on the idea of using multiple forums it sounds too exhausting. But that's just me I suppose.

Anyway I just wanted to say I am glad you're safe. Please take care of yourself too.