I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

I am averse to showing too much of myself to new people as a result of being bullied, being thrown in the deep end and also failing in front of many people. This fear I have is informed by experience - not an irrational phobia. I was once afraid of dogs and had no reason to be - the solution was to get a dog and it worked wonders. What I had there was an irrational phobia. This situation is very different to the one I am in now.
There are a couple of experiences that I need to share in order to process this more too:
- Growing up I was quite religious. This wasn't forced or pushed on me in any way, shape or form. I came to know it via school. My folks sent me to a christian school because it was a good school. That's all. But what happened was that I took the religion seriously - becuase it was taught seriously. It WAS the truth. It was REALITY. It was REAL. No negotiation over that. This then meant I started to go to bible study and church and youth group a lot. This negatively impacted my self esteem as I was constantly told that I was undeserving of 'gods love'. It has no doubt played an intergral part in the way I view myself. Love and acceptance were part of this message I was taught, but it was always criss crossed with judgement and damnation. Those two things are not reconcilable in my mind - not in any moral sense anyway. The experience itself probably looked normal and healthy, but on the inside it did a lot of damage.

I would often meet with a religious figure who worked at the school i
went to as well as being a member of the same church. I will refer to
him as 'person a'. Person A was a revered figure in both the school and
the church. He never abused me sexually and I need to say that here. I
firmly believe however, that he did indeed abuse me emotionally and I
was simply unaware of it at the time - because i believed what i was
doing was right, true and honourable (gods will in other words). Growing
up as a teenage boy means sex is something that is constantly on the
mind. Welcome to puberty right? Well I would always have to bring this
up with him because the religious element of my development as a young
male would always tell me that masturbation and porn were always bad.
ALWAYS bad.

[HamSolo01]

I remember distinctly being told that I had to get a grip on it otherwise i would be controlled by it and be led down a bad path. I was scared and also very judgemental on myself. I also believe this is why my sex life is non-existant at the age of 24 and why i struggle with any form of intimacy. There is a stigma associated with male virginity and i think part of it stems from the inability to be intimate. I quit religion despite doing a confirmation in year 12 and am now agnostic/atheist. I don't believe in an interventionist god and this isn't because of negative experience but because the central claims are nonsense in my mind and make very little sense when analysed critically.
- I was part of the band in my high school. This was a positive experience for the most part, however i have memories of the band instructor singling me out telling me that i had to pull my socks up because i wasn't good enough. I always felt as if I didn't belong in the band program. I remember before year 12 started, about considering dropping band altogether to try to focus on my HSC. I think it was better from a point of hindsight to stay because it distracted me from a lof the other crap that was going in my mind at that point. I also remember some of the other students in the band talking about me from a distance and seeing them do it on occassions. I was always treated differently. Even by those i thought were friends. Nevertheless, by the stroke of luck i actually saw this band conductor one day at my uni because he was on a school tour. I thought about saying hello but then I couldn't be bothered. Why should I even bother talking to someone who clearly didn't think I should've been in the band? He was a charasmatic teacher and was able to earn the respect of parents, teachers and students alike. I still shook his hand on the last day of school and thanked for his efforts because it helped me have a love for music. I was the only one in the jazz band to never receive an award for effort or improvement or anything. I got over that long ago, but I think about it sometimes.. reminds me how bad it was in my mind at that time. Nevertheless, at the start of this year I tried getting involved in the band program at my uni but then had to quit because i had too many memories of a hard childhood experience in music. I needed to play a part on my own and i did relatively okay at it but it was exhausting.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Thanks for the more detailed information, I know a lot of the story is expanded on stuff you have mentioned previously, but if anyone is reading your thread from new, they will get a good back ground on you. You are still more than welcome here too, I don't know what's happening behind the scenes but I am here to support as often as you need.

How is all the stuff going with your psychologist and the support groups?

My best,

Jay

[james1]

Hi Mitch,

Thanks for posting the rest of that. It sounds like you have had many instances in your past where your needs and wants were just ignored in favour of someone else's.

Have you started DBT yet?

James

[HamSolo01]

hey james and jay

thanks for reading all of this so far.

here is the rest and i will post up a bit of a reply after

Music is still however, a passion of mine and that has not changed at all.
- Team sport is basically non-existent in my life. I always struggled to fit in with teams. I never knew what or how to play the sports in a way that was good or normal. I remember being dragged to alot of the events by my folks because they were probably just doing it out of a sense of normality. Because it's the done thing. I remember flat out refusing to get my photo taken at AFL because i hated it so much. This is the case with all team sports. The closest thing I came to was reffing soccer because i could get money for that, even still there were still some instances were i came home in tears (even as a 21 year old male) where i would constantly beat myself up for how i reffed (because the players gave me all sorts of grief for bad calls). But it was more than just being mouthed off at by soccer players, it would take me back to a place where I have often found myself growing up (fear). Fear of judgement, fear of failure, fear of lack of respect, fear of condemnation. A common theme. I would look at myself on these days and realise just how pathetic I was - that reffing was my income and that I was a loser who never knew how to get laid or do anything right.
I think Ive said a lot and I honestly don't think that I've touched on a lot of it. I feel like I've briefly mentioned stuff. But that's the reality of my predicament I guess. I don't want sympathy and I don't want pity. I just want to be normal. On the outside I probably do look normal. But on the inside there is pain, anguish and torture. But over 5 years I have had to adapt and adjust to it. I've been through therapists like underwear and been on different meds and been to hospital (one time being admitted) and I don't really care.
This month has been wild for me. This whole year has in fact. I've lost a lot of people. It's hard and this forum will need to be a form of outreach to be honest.
Anyway. I will leave it there. I wanted to share this with you so that there is a common place in which I can share and come back to with a steady group of people on these forums - that's what i need, rather than just checking in randomly on other threads.
Thanks
Sharing all that was very hard.

[HamSolo01]

so the support groups are finished - except for the anxiety one which is still going because it is once per month

the last one was a woman sharing her story and also someone talking about yoga and another person talking about hypnotherapy.. it was okay

i haven't really started DBT just yet.. still waiting to because i like to space out appointments.. i dont like becoming too reliant on them

i have just submitted my final essay ever for uni and i have my last exam tomorrow too so i will be off to bed now

thanks again 🙂

hope you are both going well

[Sophie_M]

Hi everyone, we've made some edits to this thread regarding complaints about moderation of posts.  Please remember that if you have an issue with the individual moderation of your posts, then talk to us offline about it - not here on the forums.  

The easiest way to avoid the disappointment of having your posts edited or removed is to be familiar with our community rules.

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

Lots of soul searching going on. How do you feel putting it out there? Does it help you?

A thought about Sophie's comment if that's ok? Journal the private stuff so you organise the thoughts and don't lose them.

Sometimes thoughts are not PC or are too aggressive or explicit for a place like this. The rules keep us safe because we are vulnerable people (look at the impact my slump had on you if you need an example).

But these thoughts are the important ones to keep to discuss and work through with the psychiatrist. The things that really make us emotional are usually a clue to what we really need to work through.

I haven't been able to reply here sorry. It has been nice to have you write on my thread though. Thank you.

I hope you are holding up ok. Good luck with your exam.

Nat

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

I think it is a good idea to space out the appointments, I think the practical use of that is perfect not becoming reliant on them. I am glad you got to write all that out and I guess seeing it in writing is also a good thing for yourself, did you feel a little better after writing it?

Hope the last exam went well.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

hey james and nat

thaks for dropping in

I reckon it really does help nat. It needs to be articulated like that. I am considering printing all that out and giving it my psych to put on file. Hopefully will help with the new approach we are taking.

I get the point made by the mods about content etc. But then at the same time i only share stuff i am comfy sharing. This is after all anonymous. And yeh i do get that it might upset people who are damaged, but i too am in that camp and i only share what im comfy sharing.

But all good that you havent been able to reply 🙂 because i know you are going throuh renewal too. I think its great youve been limiting time on others threads - because we can only take on so much of other people's stuff. I really like the new assertive version of you too 🙂 i believe it is catching on.

jay, writing it out did help yes 🙂 gives a lot of pent up "crap" the air time it needs i think.

My last exam was yesterday so alas i am now finished.

Weird old thing lol