I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[james1]

Hey mitch,

Neither of my two psychs I've seen gave me a formal diagnosis. To them, it didn't matter because BPD is a collection of symptoms, not a disease. i.e. they couldn't cure BPD, but they could help me manage my symptoms.

I don't mean to say that like BPD is nothing. I know what it feels like and I really struggle with some of the symptoms. Fear of abandonment, very impulsive, risk-taking, self-harm, no self-identity...there's quite a few.

I am pretty sure I've spent about 15k on therapy by now. I also lost 10k on gambling over two nights. So when I say BPD is not a real thing, I mean in the biological sense. I'm very well aware of how my actions, influenced by uncontrolled emotions, have impacted my life.

My 15k in therapy went towards helping me manage my emotions. It's a lifelong skill - like character building - which I know will serve me well.

What is troubling you about your possible diagnosis and what are your reasons for it being so important to you? I don't want to make any assumptions because I know we've had similar, but different experiences.

James

[HamSolo01]

hey james

thats a good point - its more or less a bunch of symptoms and causes. You are spot on.

this is also a good point too:

"So when I say BPD is not a real thing, I mean in the biological sense. I'm very well aware of how my actions, influenced by uncontrolled emotions, have impacted my life."

There is no biological cause AS SUCH for BPD. It's more or less the result of processes in thought. But then there are perhaps biological realities that expose us to being held hostage to such thoughts. This is basically the biological basis for behaviour. Although BPD isn't a strict biological cause, it has an association with it - a lot like depression (in some cases anyway, because genetics and chemistry can be partly to blame for depression)

What is troubling you about your possible diagnosis and what are your reasons for it being so important to you? I don't want to make any assumptions because I know we've had similar, but different experiences.

that is a very good question... i think i am afraid of confronting things from the past that i haven't even thought i needed to confront to be honest.. of really going deeper... way down.. into the dark triad (a really interesting thing my psych told me about). I think I need to thought tbh. DBT will hopefully help with that. What has DBT been like for you? (assuming you have done it) because i am curious as to how it would be different to ACT and CBT. At my anxiety support group they also spoke about schema therapy.. which to me sounded like a glorified version of CBT to be honest lol.

I think the abandonment "part" of the BPD also scares me. I will need to explore those things again. The self-image problems. The whole lot of it really.

I guess it's not a change in diagnosis. More or less a change in approach hey? THAT is what shocks me but I think it's needed. So it's bittersweet in that regard

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Glad to see you're back on the forums. I can't relate about the BPD so I won't pretend I know what I am talking about but I read something you wrote in your last post about maybe going deeper into everything... I know that sounds scary but it may be what is required to make you feel better and get over the mental health hurdle. When I start CBT, I was worried about what we were going to talk about and before I knew it, I was going into all sorts of my past as mine was a lot of unresolved family issues about stuff I never wanted to talk about but I ended up doing it and it helped me a lot.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

fair point Jay

i think this is something that will help actually, if i do go in depth

i have purposely avoided going to the gym this morning because i knew it would give me too many endorphins and i would risk not talking about things that need to be spoken about

its in about 2 hours so i plan on leaving in one and having a coffee before hand at a place nearby

i honestly feel like i have to convince the psych that i have BPD rather than let him choose.. but i can't help but think that it is something i have

anyway, time will tell i guess

thanks again jay

[james1]

Hey Mitch,

Thanks for responding so thoughtfully.

Just to touch on that bit about a biological basis, I definitely agree that genetics has a part to play. From what I've read/heard, people who are more emotional and naturally need more reassurance (I joke that I'm clinically needy) tend to be more susceptible to having issues related to BPD when exposed to certain environmental factors. So I think genetics has a big part to play.

I've done both Schema Therapy and DBT and they were pretty different.

DBT is very technique based and focuses on emotion regulation and distress tolerance. So when you feel like crap or have thoughts which are leading you down a worse path, DBT helps to check that and right the ship. A lot of it is acceptance of emotions and thoughts, and finding a way to properly rationalise emotions (wise mind vs emotional/logical mind).

Schema Therapy is more about developing an understanding and recognition of how we feel and why we feel that way, then identifying ways of reducing the intensity of this through both techniques and understanding. A big part of Schema Therapy is having your therapist act as a parent figure to role model behaviour and thought patterns.

Depending on what your particular symptoms are, one treatment will be better than the other. Compared to ACT/CBT, they all have similar approaches but slightly different theories that hold them up, so I think it comes down to whichever one appeals to you most.

I liked Schema Therapy but I really struggled with the parent part. I also hated the homework of DBT and it felt like being in school with all its worksheets and things. I do some kind of Transference Focussed Therapy now which is not as good according to research, but it is better for me.

Do you want to tell us more about your symptoms which you struggle with most? I've noticed that fear of abandonment is really pervasive for me - it seems to affect almost everything I do.

James

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

I'm not sure you need to convince the psychologist that you have BPD, I think it is better if they diagnose you rather then self diagnose, the problem with symptoms of anything that really if you look at most illnesses, you can say you have those symptoms, similar to the reason they say not to google your symptoms because it gives you the worst possible scenario.

How did the session go anyway?

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

hi james and jay

thanks for your thoughts

its been a wild month and year and i need to start afresh for 2018

i posted this before elsewhere and i wanted to share all of it with you because it's very personal and very deep but i need to share it off my chest or else it will fester even more.

It is very long so will take a few posts but it has to be said

thanks 🙂

here goes:

I actually realised the other day that I haven't actually given much of an explanation about my experience with mental illness on these forums. I guess I never really found it necessary to do so. I think that has changed as I have gotten further along in my journey.
I was originally diagnosed in 2012, about mid way through the year. I was told I had depression after doing the DAS test/score system. I was put on medication as well.
I finished school in 2011 and subsequently signed up for a degree in 2012 that I ended up deferring and never going back to because I hated the university and hated the degree.
For the second part of 2012 I basically did very little.
I went back to uni in 2013 to do a BA and I am about to finish it in the next month or so.
throughout the course of the past 5 years I have struggled immensely with my mental health.. I have been suicidal and also been through different therapists and medications and also a few hospital visits whereupon they said i didnt have to be there because i wasn't overly at risk.
The past month or so has been very interesting to be perfectly honest. I have had to reflect on A LOT of my early childhood experiences and why they have impacted me in a certain way over my life.
I was bullied as a little kid, made to change schools in year 5 and also made to adjust to my sister's ill health as well. These are 3 experiences that have impacted my growth and development as a human I would say. I think they impacted my ability to see positives and also persevere. I must admit that it is indeed hard to see the bright side on some occassions.
I am now 24 and take 2 types of medication along with regular visits to my psychologist. I am still coming to terms with my diagnosis and condition. Often I ignore it and try to find another reason as to why I feel the way I do. This is very hard when I try to explain it to people.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Thank you for sharing that, you did say it would take a few posts, was there more to come, I do feel I am quite familiar with your story but hearing it from the start like that is always good and helps understand you a little bit better. I don't think anyone can doubt that you have been through so much in your life, but this is all a testament to you as well, you have overcome so much and that is what is amazing, I hope you can reflect on your post and see how far you have come and use it as a big positive.

My best,

Jay

[james1]

Hey Mitch,

I am looking forward to hearing more in your other posts. It sounds like you have had a pretty good think about everything that's been happening.

James

[HamSolo01]

hi james and jay, thanks for checking in 🙂 hope you are both well.

i have been a bit quiet lately as i haven't had much to say. Nevertheless I will post up the rest of that story that I started the other day.

I guess I have also experienced stigma as a result of my illness - whether or not it was intended doesn't matter too much tbh. I have withdrawn from people and avoided certain situations (be they social or work related). This also explains why I have struggled to become financially stable. I still don't have a part time job anywhere because of my mental health - not that it impacts my actual ability to perform tasks but because the way i view myself (very badly) holds me back from trying, persevering and implementing strategies to improve my situation. The tough love approach or fake it til i make it exhausts the shit out of me and simply does not work.
I fimly believe this is a trend that has occurred over the years and has really started to ingrain itself in my life - in many facets.
I have never had a girlfriend or any romantic relationship and this certainly bothers me. It bothers me for 2 reasons. Firstly, I want to feel accepted and loved in the context of romance because I believe this is something that makes life worthwhile. Secondly, it bothers me because more and more and more people around me (be they family or friends) seem to be able to find partners. I have tried over the years to get somewhere with people but it always ends up going nowhere and I can really only say that this occurs because I must do something, give off some vibe, or say something that turns people away. I probably do it without realising it. The scales are tipped differently for males when it comes to this sort of thing - it is weird or bad if you are a virgin male at the age of 24. Not so if you are female. That is the way that mainstream society and culture operate. It is evident in all aspects. However, the fact I don't fit in with that ISN'T what bothers me. What bothers me is the missing out on genuine connection, the fact that those around seem to be okay and finding their ground in life.