I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

nat I'm going to pretend what you've written comes from a place of concern and worry, not judgement and dismay (even if you wrote it in such a way)

I appreciate that I remind you of what you went through in your 20s, but I am not you and I really would like it if you stopped using that as a basis for your posts and advice. I can understand if you see similarities and that's great, because it makes me see that people have things in common. But i really wish you wouldn't constantly use it, because i honestly get the impression you are not comfortable with what you did and you seem to reflect that a lot in what you say to me.

I don't ignore jay. Usually I'm replying on my phone and this means I haven't got access to what everyone has said at once. I reply to the 3 of you in a single post and this means i do read and take on board what you have all said. Just because i don't write someone's name in bold letters or directly reply to them doesn't mean I ignore them. Please stop saying that.

As for 'needing a kick in the ass' well it isn't that simple. A kick in the ass won't make me attend a job interview (Something i still regret not doing back in June). A kick in the ass won't change my opinion on myself. A kick in the ass won't make me realise that I'm better than what I think. A kick in the ass won't make anything different. You seem to think that the 'tough love' approach is helping. It doesn't. Every single time something bad has happened in my life it is because of this experience. That's not an exaggeration. It's what happened when I changed schools in primary against my will. It's what happened when I went to year 7 camp. It's what happened when I became religious. It's what happened when I lost it. It's what happened with my music experience in high school.. which is why i had to quit the band at uni because it brought up memories of past experience being a bad thing. It's why i left my friend's party early at the start of the year when they all started talking about hooking up etc.

[HamSolo01]

People mustn't be able to reconcile the fact that i communicate in an articulate manner with the fact i struggle IMMENSELY with ANY form of social/communication. Do you know how much of an act it is that I put on? Are you aware of the thought processes that go through my mind on a DAILY basis?
I still have memories (negative ones) of high school band where the conductor singled me out and told me to get a grip, I still have memories of people saying bad things about me to my face, i still have memories of stupid things i have said and done.. from ages ago. I still recall people's responses to things I have said where I wasn't happy with the way i said it, the sound of my voice or similar.
Please, never again do the 'tough love' approach. I don't care what you think or how you come to the conclusion that it will 'help' because it never has helped.
I am doing what I want this week because I can. I don't really care.
Take this as a bit of advice please nat and not as a criticism. But i really do not like the approach you've adopted lately.

[james1]

Hey mitch,

You mentioned above that you're afraid that it's already just taken over your life and you can see a lot of these things in your history as well.

Let me get back to you on that as when my psychologist started talking to me about BPD, and when I started doing DBT and Schema Therapy, that was something I was afraid of too.

In the meantime, I'd be interested to hear more about what you mean when you say that you feel different and take exception to the rule for yourself. It strikes a chord with me, but I'm not sure what exactly you mean. If you are not comfortable, please let me know.

James

[HamSolo01]

hey james

its not that i feel uncomfortable.. just very defeated, bruised and done with it.

i got really upset at what nat wrote but it had to be said. I dont care much for beating around the bush. All it does is make it worse when im told to harden up etc. All it does is bring back paranoia over what the religion did to me. Memories of being told to control my sexual urges or thinking otherwise i would go to hell.. because thats what the bible said.. that 'satan' would be in control.. what a nonsense..

when i say i take exception to the rule for myself? i guess i mean that it homestly seems as if the odds are stacked against me. That people dont take me seriously enough if i dont meet criteria xyz..

its as if im not allowed to fit in.. as if too different from anyone and everything else.. like its a default reality.

Anyway. I dunno what else to talk about tbh

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

Thankyou. I really value and appreciate you being blunt and honest. And I will take what you said on board. I need time to think about it.

I am very sorry for upsetting you. That wasn't my plan. Part of me smiled at your post because it was the most honest post I've ever seen you write and gave more insight into how you really feel than your whole thread so far.

I will think on what you said. I'm not sure if I have anything to offer you in terms of helping you as much as I want to see you succeed and share in your success vicariously.

Your last post has made me realise I'm probably doing more harm than good. Probably on more threads than just your own. I'm truly sorry for this.

Thank you for the honest feedback. I needed it. Is it helpful for you if I keep writing here? If so do you think you can give me some idea of how I can help and support you. Cos I thought I was doing ok.

Kind thoughts to you. And a heartfelt humble apology for my ego.

❤ Nat

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

I have been commenting on your post since you started it many months ago and I enjoy chatting to you because I see a lot of myself in you when I was your age, I relate a lot to how you feel because I have been there too. Quercus is simply trying to help and I understand it isn't the approach you wanted and I think she wrote a genuine response back asking how she can support you better. We aren't here to turn out backs on you, we want to help and give you support.

Regarding your reply back to me, I appreciate the response, it isn't needed to be broken down like that at all so please don't feel it needs to be done. I think the last thing you said about your dad saying it is serious about the possible BPD, if you feel this is something then keep working on ways to improve it, keep speaking to the psych about it and learning about it if it is something you have to deal with it. I know and appreciate you have been through so much in your life and no one is disputing how you should feel and if you feel different as you said, what we dispute is that this isn't what the rest of your life has to look like, I know it is draining to keep fighting through all of this but you can keep fighting through it, you've come so far since the start of the thread. How has the rest of your free week been?

Also, if you feel there is another way we can offer our support, please let us know, like I said, we aren't here to turn out backs on you, we just want the best for you.

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

I don't know what to say. I feel gutted.

I couldn't sleep. I am worried. Because I forgot your family are away. And I've upset you. And your thread was in the suicidal section once... Like mine.

I remembered you mention SANE a lot. So I looked. Because I care. I wish I didn't look but I deserved the hurt.

Bloody absurd. No one cares and no one takes it seriously. THIS IS WHY I WANT TO DIE

I want you to know I will learn from this.

I'm not a cruel person. I was trying my best. I got it wrong. And I'm sorry.

Today has been a horrible day for me too.

Seeing my words put on a forum I don't read or access was a shock.

Seeing others who don't know me insult me. That hurt. Even if it made you feel better.

I was out of line. I own this. And I apologise.

I'm not comfortable responding here anymore. I'm sorry.

Nat

[Sophie_M]

Hi everyone,
 
As this discussion has taken an unhelpful turn, we're locking it temporarily until things settle.
 
We encourage our members to resolve their conflicts in a healthy way through discussion here on the forums.  It's ok to disagree.  It's ok to share your feelings of how something has affected you.  If you don't feel comfortable doing that, then we would encourage you to report the post to our moderators. 

[james1]

Hi Mitch,

I thought I'd pop in and see how you are going. I've done a lot of work on my BPD symptoms in the last year, but it really shook me up back then when I first heard and started reading more about it.

Just thought I'd pop in and see how you are going, as I think there's a lot of unhelpful information and comments on the web about BPD.

James

[HamSolo01]

Hey james

i havent been diagnosed with BPD but i honestly think i have it.. it would explain a lot of things in my life is all. I see my psych tomorrow so i guess its his call.

Were you diagnosed with something else beforehand? All good if you dont wanna talk about that.

I have started that database i zpoke about on friends cafe thread.. its an excel spreadsheet lol.. took the easy road.

What sort of symptoms do you resonate with in regards to BPD ? (again your choice to reply to that stuff)

Hope you are well