I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[Quercus]

They love me. If I choose to op shop they will embrace it. If I say I paid a bill they will make xmas easier by making things instead so I'm not left out. If I want to work as a cleaner they will learn to see that I love it not that I wasted time at uni.

• They want to see me feel good.
• How I achieve this is my business.
• Anyone who doesn't react this way is not helpful to me and not worth my time.

You know what works for you Mitch. Yes there is an element of being responsible. Finding work. Budgeting. Sacrificing some things. Asking for help. Swallowing pride and being realistic. But it is up to you to help yourself. Go to your psychiatrist... Find one thing that makes you happy now and do it.

Cliche crap warning... It will get better. It will. But YOU have to take control. This is your life. Noone elses. It is your responsibility to make changes. To work out what will make you feel good. The truth is what other people think is worth fk all. They don't have to live in your skin. You do. If you live by other's standards you're going to end up like me in a heap trying to face it at 32 and realising I have wasted a lot of my life worrying about others and almost no time worrying about what matters to ME.

You're not alone and we're not going anywhere. You have a safe place here ok.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry for my delay in between posts, I haven't been on the forums this weekend. How did the psych appointment end up going.

I am sorry you feel this is the lowest you have been, I have a feeling with the graduation of uni, I think all these emotions are taking over your mind and it's allowing them to run rampant, I do hope the psych was able to give you some guidance on what to do next.

I know the feeling of not having money is really low and honestly I do not want to say something cliché like it will get better etc because its just word fillers if I say that... in reality once you are up to you, you just need to keep applying for jobs and keeping getting your resume out there just to gain any sort of experience, giving up on it is the worst thing to do, I also don't think lending money from your parents is a bad thing but set yourself a goal to pay them back and when you do I reckon you will feel great.

My best,

Jay

[james1]

Hey Mitch,

How did your psych appointment go?

I won't add to what Nat and Jay said, but I hope you can see that we also struggle with those issues you've talked about. We may seem like we keep it altogether, but we also have our times when we just don't want to bother.

You are very critical of yourself. You know this. You also know it's hindering your ability to get better. What would you like to do?

James

[HamSolo01]

hey nat and james

thanks again

i saw my psych on saturday and it helped a bit

i think i may have elements of borderline personality disorder.. in that i have a particular fear over abandonment and driving people away. It seems that this happened a lot in my life lately. The problem is you cant make people like you. It seems i drive people away and this is basically why i have social based anxiety. Despite the fact i can master the basics its still very much an anxiety i have.

I guess its good that i feel pretty down today because i gotta go into town to have an assessment for another group therapy program this time for social anxiety..

in times like this i find that i keep remembering every time a psychologist (bad ones) have told me to basically get a grip and such or else it will "ruin my life"

thing is i try.. i really do.. but it just doesnt work. So that makes me think i need to change my entire approach to it.

Its easily the worst and most depressed i have been.. i hate how tragic it has become.

What really gets me down is seeing people younger than i am doing better. Its a reminder of what im not doing.

Also found out on saturday i might have some body dismorphia.. because i dont like my physical appearance.

I guess the BPD goes somewhere in explaining my reluctance to commit to social things or outlets hey?

i just don't know anymore.. especially now that people are getting older..

i have a free house this week and im enjoying the peace and quiet because i can do whatever i want

maybe whats happening these past few weeks is that my outside life (non mind) is declining in line with my mental state.. which is new because in the past my mental state has declined BUT my outside life has remained the same.. small commitments are too large.. are too much of an effort. Case in point: i need to go to the supermarket today to get groceries but i feel too depressed and sad to.. Not going to the gym because i cant handle it. At least not today anyway.

Anyways that me

Ive read all of what you have both said btw. nat you are right what you said about figuring it out myself. I agree. I dont need to impress anyone. But i think for now i simply dont care.

My parents are worried. I could see it when i told them on saturday. But i will keep them informed. You guys too

[james1]

Hi Mitch,

I'm sure you've heard this before but self diagnosis is not a good idea. The reason is that when we are in a lot of emotional pain, we want to find a reason for it. But, so far as we know, most mental illnesses are not like diseases in that there is a clear 'thing' causing the issue. Instead, most mental illnesses are a collection of symptoms.

I 'have' BPD and there are certainly a lot of traits we share. But I also share a lot of 'BPD' traits with my sister and all of my friends. And they don't 'have' BPD.

Ultimately, none of the therapy I do is to cure BPD because that's impossible. It's not a thing. Instead, we work on helping me reduce the symptoms.

I noticed you didn't tell us more about your psych appointment. Is that where the BPD came up?

James

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Interesting that the psychologist said you might have border personality disorder. Are they just discussing it as a possible avenue or are they pretty certain? If it is so, need to come up with ways to help deal with it. It is good you are going to the group therapy session again as well.

Just remember, every day is new chance to grow and start to regain that happiness that is inside you.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

james, jay and nat

thanks for dropping in 🙂

well the first few days of my free week have been good.. done very little which is good.. just what it should be.

As for saturdays appointment i told my folks and they didnt really know what it meant. But thats okay because its not actually a diagnosis as such. More like dysthimia (which has a different name now). Basically its very episodic but i also have elements of BPD. It was his opinion/diagnosis. Im not overly shocked by that. Or worried.

I also saw the lady yesterday for group therapy for social anxiety which was useful. Doesnt start til next year though. But the assessment helped me articulate stuff which was good.

I think my social anxiety is the bigger part of what i deal with. Its the bigger fish in a smaller pond. I have elements of it along with BPD i dunno.

For now i am trying to take it easy on myself (so far working alright) and just enjoy the quiet at home. Trying to build up my exp on battlefront 2 lol.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

I am glad to read that you seem to be feeling a bit better and that your free week has been that, a free week.

I understand what you said that it isn't an official diagnosis just something bought up which is good, it means they are working and looking at different aspects of mental health which I think is actually great rather than just saying ok you're depressed, actually working through different things and then I imagine will be trying to find solutions to combat it so it doesn't take over the rest of your life. You can continue to beat this mental health like you already are.

Social anxiety is so hard and we get so many people on these forums who deal with it a lot. It is truly something that needs to be worked on and worked on to help overcome it and be comfortable in situations where there is a lot of people around.

Keep taking it easy on yourself.

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

Right well there are a couple of things that have been bugging me lately so rather than let them build until I lecture like the Mum I am I'm just going to put it out there.

Sorry in advance (sorry to you too Jay) but it needs to be said. My kids call this kind of rant me being angry mummy...

Sometimes you will have multiple replies and you respond to James and myself and completely ignore Jay. I don't know if you are aware you're doing it but it really does make me feel rubbish so I can't even imagine how Jay feels.

I wanted you to be aware of this in case you weren't because Jay gives you solid advice and support and if that was me I'd have gotten hurt and stopped responding (or knowing me chewed you out for it).

Right. That's out of my system. Sorry but you are too smart to be making careless mistakes that push others away.

As to your post. I'm glad you are in an ok frame of mind. I do worry about you putting your life on hold in search of a diagnosis.

You do remind me of myself in my 20s. I needed a kick in the ass to realise I am not beneath or less than everyone else. And the only person holding me back was me. Games are good. Relaxing is great. But as long as it is not a distraction from your life. Having applied for three jobs by the end of the week is an even better goal. Then you play.

Your family are away and are worried about you and to be honest deservedly so. You are ok now. But are you actually doing anything to help yourself? What happens in a weeks time when you look back and start to slump because you haven't done anything to help yourself?

A diagnosis is not going to transform your life and make it better. That is up to you.

When you mentioned the useless psychs who said you had to get a grip I think they meant take control of your life. Take action. Help yourself. All those cliches which are irritating but true.

You are an adult. Part of that is finding purpose and work and becoming independent. Finding a way to manage your MI and function on your own. You are not incapable or useless or worthless. You are fully capable just need the push to try.

Sorry. I know I am over the line. I wish at your age my parents had been harder on me. Not just saying it will happen and supporting me financially. But turfing me out and saying TRY! Mum rant over now. I do care. Games are good but financial independence is better.

Take care of yourself please.

Nat

[HamSolo01]

jay, you are right

"and then I imagine will be trying to find solutions to combat it so it doesn't take over the rest of your life"

this is what i am really scared and afraid of and if i am perfectly honest i think it has begun already.. all it actually does is remind me of times the psychologists who i have seen in the past have told me that I need to get a grip on it or figure it out or similiar.. it's the worst piece of advice imaginable because if i could i bloody well would right? i honestly don't understand how some psychologists are allowed to practice. Especially the older woman I saw who was linked to my psychiatrist.. she was useless. Didn't even allow me to talk about negative religious experience (which may actually be a reason why i have what i have now, if the assessment for group therapy is anything to go by). That reminds me, i might get them to send the details to my specialist. Just to make sure they are all on the same page. I joked with the lady doing my assessment that they may need to get a new DSM for me, put my condition and experience in there lol.

also,

"Social anxiety is so hard and we get so many people on these forums who
deal with it a lot. It is truly something that needs to be worked on and
worked on to help overcome it and be comfortable in situations where
there is a lot of people around."

Yep. Story of my life. It explains a fair bit in my history actually.

It explains the aversion to different scenarios, it explains the what i call 'overcompensating' and it explains the reason why i always take exception to the rule for myself.. why i feel different.. why i feel like i have difference.. all these sorts of things. CBT and ACT have helped a bit, but I'm hoping to work on DBT (especially for the symptoms of BPD) which my dad said sounded 'serious'. Which it is.

Anyway jay thanks again for your reply. I hope nat was suitably impressed lol.