I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

jay it was short lived.. because now i realise i have my HECS debt to pay off, i need to become independent and have a sense of dignity.. but all this seems impossible at the moment..

i know yesterday i was positive but i think it was because i just wanted to talk myself out of negative emotion. I am actually quite dissappointed i didnt get it. I stuffed up my interview. Thats the only explanation. I always do that. If i hadnt stuffed up the interview then i would probably have gotten in... but like usual my anxiety takes over and i make a mess of it..

but thats life.. cant change it..

i hate my situation now.. i cant be bothered going overseas to teach english.. at least not any time soon because i just havent got the stamina.. feels like i would be running away from my problems.. all this self improvement stuff is doing me in because im not meeting any of the requirements..

i cant put things out of my mind because its too serious.. i cant just focus on my exam tomorrow and my last essay because the stress and anxiety of next year are getting to me.. a lot.. its just hit like a tonne of bricks...

i dunno why i bothered going to uni..

im off to see my sister graduate high school today so yeh.. her loser brother will be there.. great for her..

need to cram study for tomorrow..

hate this life

[james1]

hi mitch,

Talking yourself out of negative emotion is not a bad thing. It's one way of coping and is often preferable to having the negative emotion spiral out of control.

Another way is acceptance.

Have you ever talked to your psych about how you struggle to accept the situation you are in?

It is very difficult to be struggling to manage study, personal goals, mental health goals an finding a job. You're not a loser for feeling unable to manage. But you're also not the only one who has to do these things, nor the only one who struggles.

A big part of how to not get bogged down is acceptance of where you are and who you are. I mean in in a completely non-judgmental way.

For example, I am currently stagnant in a job I do not enjoy, 130k in debt, and with no time to really do my hobbies. Most of that is because of choices I made, so yeah, I'm mostly responsible for where I am now.

But I'm also responsible for getting myself out and that's what I'm doing. Slowly, but I'll get there.

You've listed a lot of things that you can't do. What about the things that you can?

There's a whole bunch that I could list, but I think it'd be better if you were to do that.

James

[HamSolo01]

Hi james
I got a call from the beyondblue help team which kind of helped..
I have spent the arvo just doing whatever..
Needed to after today..
Im not in a good place atm and i am just exhausted..
i told a friend today how bad i was and she went ahead and rang me which was good.. i was at my sisters graduation though
Anyway. Its been a rough day.
Nxt week i will have the houuse to my self as mum dad and my sister go away for a week. Ill be here on my own so i get to have a holiday from them which will be good i think.
Then nz for christmas.

It seems like i get triggered by many things which tells me i need to re assess my core beliefs and opinions on myself.

Tmorrow i wont be attending my exam as i will sit the replacement one in 2 weeks. Ive had to call lifeline and also speak to beyondblue in the past week. Ive also contacted my psych and hopefully can get an appt to make sure the application goes through.

Im not happy with my life. I need to find out what can make me happier. Its really hard atm. Very hard. I want to never have to interact. Its just exhausting because i feel fake.

I feel very lost and confused. Abandoned too. So yeah im not too good atm and i feel alone.

Thanks

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

I am sorry you are struggling so much, like I have said before, if there was that magical piece of advice I could offer that would change your situation I would say it in a heartbeat but there isn't, these mental health recovery journeys are such long bumpy roads and they just seem to go on and on. I think reassessing your core beliefs will be a good thing and I am glad you are trying to get an earlier appointment with your psych. I was happy you are also using the support lines in place in the way of Lifeline & Beyond Blue. I don't know how many times I can say it, but you're not a loser, just someone who is trying to figure out life, as we all are. The HECS debt is there but it doesn't take effect until you start earning a certain amount of money from my knowledge, correct me if I am wrong. Please do not lose sight of your goals. You are too good to let them get away from you. Take a time out, that is fine, you are doing the exam in a couple of weeks, great, use this time to find yourself again. You can get through this again, you have done it before and you can do it again.

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

I don't really have anything useful to say that James and Jay haven't said already.

Just wanted to remind you that you're not alone and that we do care even if we're a bit helpless to do much other than listen.

Next week when your family are away it's really important that you have some offline supports in place and arranged. Hopefully this horrible feeling has passed but just in case maybe book an appointment if you can. What do you think?

Please take care of yourself. And shout out if you need support or to talk ok.

[HamSolo01]

Hey guys

Its been a rough ride

Thanks for your help and such lately

Im really done with some things in my life i reckon.

But today again i need to actually force myself into thinking better.

I brought my appointment forward to tomorrow which is good.

Before i do anything else i need to learn to give myself a chance, cut myself some slack and such. I really have no idea how to do this, so im gonna raise this with the psych tomoz. I think its almost impossible tbh because i really do not like myself. At all. I think i weird people out. I think im weird. I dont like how i look or anything. I hate my body and i hate my mind. I really dont want to be this person anymore. Physically and mentally.

is not that i think im undeserving. Its that i feel incapable of making good choices. I get bored easy and i get irritation from small things.

Im not sure what i have to do to get better. Ive basically hit a wall. I guess its good then, that i am seeing the psych tomorrow.

Im not interested in finding a source of income for the moment because i feel too exhausted and anxious. All i remember are moments where i have buggered up interviews or similar. I think thats what happened in the govt graduate role. I just speak too much and overcompensate. Its my pet hate. God only knows how happier i would be if i didnt screw myself like that.

I have never been this stuck before. Ever.

Im struggling to eat.. have no appetite.

Ive been at home today. Sick of playing videogames. I dont wanna go outside because the world just reminds me of how much of a failure i am.

I honestly think ive tricked myself into thinking im going well in life.

Way too much on my mind.. all i want to do is sleep

[james1]

Hi mitch,

Glad to hear you got the call from both the support team and your friend and that it helped.

I understand if you are sick and tired of mental illness. We all are and we've all been there.

I know that's not what you want to hear, but please hear me out.

There's a quote from a new movie where a main character thinks he's a special missing child, only to find out that he's not actually. He's just one of many, and he's pretty shattered by this revelation. He really wanted - needed - to be that special child for purpose in his life.

We all have this strange desire to be the only one that suffers. Even when talking to other people who we know have a similar issue, we still feel like we're the only ones and we hang onto that for comfort. "Nobody else knows what it's like..."

But the truth is that we all feel that way. We all feel alone, perpetually alone, in our struggle. And mostly because we're not honest to ourselves and to each other that even though we are victims, we are not special victims.

Do the things you need to do, but remember that you are not the only one even if nobody else is showing it, nor are you the only one who feels they can't cope. You don't need me to remind you of the statistics - there are many who really really struggle in their relationships, and in life generally.

We need to use each other, use everyone's experiences, to help us on our little fumbling attempts to "get better."

James

[james1]

hey mitch,

Your post only just came through after I posted a reply to your earlier one.

I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow.

It sounds like using the time tomorrow to review your situation and give yourself breathing space is a good idea.

Sometimes we can overcomplicate a problem and make an already difficult challenge seem even harder to overcome.

Hopefully you can get some more clarity tomorrow.

James

[HamSolo01]

hey james

idk man.. this is actually the worst i have been in my whole journey.. just flat and bored and upset.

its as if all those times i spoke about how things get better or where i sounded positive were just lies or fake it til i make it..

feels like i been faking it for all this time..

im just at a point now where i dont care for myself.. im not eating enough (admittedly i poached 2 eggs on toast this morning at ate them both which was good) but its probably the only proper food i will eat til dinner.. i avoid lunch on weekends.. its just a reminder of how much i have failed at organising things..

i know 24 is young and all that.. but when i cant afford new clothes? the latest videogame? a coffee each day.. it becomes unbearable..

some days i cant even look in the mirror.. im grossed out at what i see.. too tall.. arms not bulk enough.. hair stupid looking..

i sweat too much during the day so it fades my clothes.. but i cant buy new ones.. and my folks would lend me money but i get depressed when that happens..

im glad i am seeing the psych today because i can raise these things with him..

its a telling sign that wanting enough money to buy my own things and get somewhere even if it is small in life is a fantasy. I fantasise abou having enough money to buy clothes.. to actually be able to walk with a sense of pride and dignity.. both abscent at this point..

i cant talk to people about it because they either disagree or just say things which upset me even more...

this is really not a good time in my life..

but thanks for sticking by me this long guys 🙂 i really appreciate you listening in and being here too..

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

Thank you for writing this...

i cant talk to people about it because they either disagree or just say things which upset me even more...

That's where I am at offline too. Sick to my eyeballs of family and friends telling me it will get better and to be patient. I know they are right but I am sick of waiting for life to get better when right now it is crap.

I am so bloody tired of being told by my family..

• To think of others less fortunate

• To focus on the positives.
• That what I'm sacrificing now will make life easier long term
• To enjoy the moment.
• That the kids will grow up so fast and I will look back fondly.
• That financial hardship will pass.
• That I'm being responsible.
• To just keep trying.
• To make changes.
• That I've made progress.
• To be thankful for what I have
• To put myself first.
• That I'm doing such a good job.
• That I am ok.

I know I'm guilty of these too. They are good advice. But I'm exhausted and sick of it all. I am tried of waiting for the future where life is going to be better. I'm sick of feeling helpless and hopeless and useless. Sound familiar?

My point. I get it. You're not alone. But we have to find ways to help outselves or we will not survive. I want to live.

I don't have any money either. Friends live on credit and have all the nice things now. But I won't do that. We chose not to gather debt just to live how others do. Being responsible can feel rubbish. And if your self esteem and body image is poor it makes things worse.

My solutions have been hard too. Pride. I have some apparently because I have had to swallow it. I went to a nice suburb and went op shopping. It was awesome. Got 11 tops and a dress for $80. I told my mum and a friend and we're going again soon. They were so excited. It felt good.

I was ashamed when my mum sends me money "just because". I would tell her I went for dinner when really it goes on the mortgage or on bills. So I refuse to lie now.

I got a cleaning job at a school. Part of me felt shame. Why did I bother with uni? I feared judgement but I AM HAPPY. This works for ME. So they can all either learn to love seeing me happy or leave me alone.

More to come... Sorry.