I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Glad to see you are feeling a little better today, albeit still a little depressed but you are writing a lot more clearer and with more focus which is great, I have noticed after each session you have with the psych you come out of it a lot more clear headed and that is awesome. It does mean it is working. They challenge you too which I think is a good thing.

How did that phone call go from the job opportunity, it almost sounds you a destined for a career in politics. You never know what will happen.

I need to ask, what happened at the gym where you had to help a lady up?

Keep your head up, you are back on the right track and will continue to keep kicking mental health's ass.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

hey all

just on the way to uni now thought i would post

this week has been a lot nicer than last

when i get to uni in 30ish mins im gonna do some more creative writing.. get that part of my brain stimulated again. It'll only be for a short while but its better than nothing.

Gonna get a flat white from one of the cafes on the way.

What im basically doing is whatever i need to in order to maintain a sense of normalness.

Im not stable atm. But thats okay. Just take care of myself by doing the raw basics.

[james1]

Hello mitch,

I'm glad to hear you're trying to keep your mind focussed on what you need to do.

These down periods will happen and sometimes we just need to pare back a bit and get through them before we look ahead.

James

[HamSolo01]

Im sick of feeling alone... 😕

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Saturday nights suck being single I always thought. Worst night to go out with friends because of all of the players on the prowl for someone to warm their bed. Worst night for feeling lonely.

How about making a plan for what is available in your area on weekends? Night classes (my friend took a cooking class and met lots of people), volunteer work, evening classes at your gym, go swimming, check out events at your uni, night sports (another friend did night volleyball)... So many things but you need to get out there to meet someone if that is your main concern.

Sometimes it feels good to organise something for yourself rather than wait for friends to invite you. Having a regular plan where you are getting out and doing something you like and meeting new people is always good. As to the finance issue... It doesn't have to cost much. Look for low cost events and classes or just get outdoors and do something like a bush walk (the amount of people you run into who stop for a chat always amazes me).

I hope you can feel hopeful too.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Quercus.

Thanks for replying.

There are a couple of themes/things i have noticed about myself when i get like that.

I've found lately that i have given 2 'friends' of mine way too much sway over the way i view and value myself. Even if i haven't seen either of them for so long, it still kicks in and haunts me. What I have noticed is that they still take the shit out of another friend we have. This bothers me. This other friend has been very helpful and he has told me that I give him good advice. These other 2 guys need to pull their head in. I can tell it'll get to a point soon where I will either lash out at them, OR be forced to step in and do something. I believe it'll be the latter.
It sounds weird that something external is having such an effect on me, but it's because i considered these 2 guys close friends... who've now essentially moved on as if nothing ever happened. They are both pretty immature but both have girlfriends... as if that was a way to establish their 'authority'. It's strange because they don't really respect this other guy... but idk if they respect me. I think it's gotten to a point now both in my own development as a person, but also as a friend of this other guy that i need to stand up for him when it happens. I really don't care what these two guys think tbh... i mean i told one of them about my mental health and it was like 'oh yeh okay.....' and did jack all about it... Whereas the dude they make fun of has actually helped me a bit.
At the heart of it I have actually let these two dopes effect the way i value myself. It's good that I have realised this. It's also good that I've actually been able to progress in the way i have both academically with uni, and emotionally (making new friends in other avenues of life).

Despite the fact I have felt lonely a lot lately, I still have people I'm friends with. I can talk with about stuff.

But that's that.

In the end I guess it won't always be like this on a saturday night - and it isn't anyway.. just been quiet lately is all. My depression just flares up on saturday and friday nights.

Anyway I need to do this video thing for this afternoon and need to do a bit more research for it.

[HamSolo01]

I just did my interview

It's prerecorded. So a question pops up on the screen and i have to reply to it.

I made sure I looked like I presented well, but I always worry I come across as arrogant/smug when I speak to people in real life or on cameras. I sometimes feel like my anxiety holds me back so lately I've been really trying to stop it from happening. I dunno though.

Maybe it's why I'm alone a lot of the time.

I hate being told to put myself out there because each time I try it just gets met with failure..

But i suppose there is hope in the fact that people have stuck around and I'm not actually truly socially isolated.... I'm just very anxious... very much so...

i feel like I'm improving to some extent but then i have to remember my personality type.. I'm more introverted... so i have to figure out the balance i suppose

[HamSolo01]

i hate it

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

It is tough when you have friends who you are close too but almost feel like they do not actually care about you, like yourself my depression and anxiety flares up on the weekend, I sometimes wait for my phone to go off for someone to ask to hang out but most of time that message or phone call never comes so I am just chasing people and seeing if they want to hang out. Never fun that's for sure. It is good though that you can see that these two friends are not helping you and it is strange how the one they make fun off is also caring about you, that tells you that he is a good friend to you and that's what you should focus on. Keeping as many positive people around you that you can as that brings you up as well. It is also good you know you have friends you can talk too, I know being introverted is hard too as that requires effort a lot of time as well.

Pre-recorded interview, well done for even doing it, I doubt I could actually do that. How did you feel it went? I know you were worried about coming across as arrogant or smug but did you feel you did well with it?

What's plans for the rest of the week?

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

Hi Jay..

I feel like the pre recorded interview went okay..

i think my anxiety got me down though.. next part is assessment centre on the 28th.. weirdly i feel like that'll be a bit easier but idk

I have uni this week and i have an interview tomorrow with that mp. I feel like the job would be really interesting actually. Helps that i already know him - friend of my dads actually. But i dont wanna jump the gun yet.

Have to take it one day at a time.

I still feel rather depressed this morning but i guess its good to be out of the house on my way to uni.

i have gotta stop thinking about those 2 friends too.... its always on my mind... i was the reason they met and they dont include me and they speak about me behind my back.. if they do make fun of my other mate then im gonna have a go at them. They will either take what i say onboard or not... i dont care. Half of me wants to then the other half thinks its a waste of time.. worth a shot if the opportunity arises i guess.

I tutor a new student on wednesday too.

Anyway...

Thats me i guess. Trying to take it easy is hard