I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

Hey.

Yeah i agree.

The dark, lowly moods are tough. Luckily i think my new med is slowly kicking in too which may counter it.

I must admit too that having a sense of humour helps in all this. When i saw the psych person at the hospital the other day she said i was a cynic (which i wear as a badge of honour lol) but that i was also a pessimist. When i really thought about it she was right. So ive dropped the pessimism, or at least trying to. I would say however that depression makes you pessimistic anyway. So now im just focusing on what i can and need to do. I think im a cynic still but i apply it in a good way (i can explain that further if need be haha)

guesa its just a case of remembering good core beliefs. I remember my psych saying that one day it may all click. I feel like that "day" is going to be a drawn out period. Either way its good.

[HamSolo01]

Just got word back on a grad program and i didnt make it through

basically leaves one left...

i guess i have 2 options... either give up hope or research and find new stuff...

the latter is easier because it is what im used to doing but i know it wont make the situation any better

im just getting angsty over all this graduation stuff...

genuinely feels like a new wave of depression is about to spring on me...

off to see a friend soon so that might be a good distraction

psych tonight as well so that's good

either way.. what am i going to do ?

[james1]

Hey sorry abuot the grad program news. Just don't forget it's not about whether you are capable or not. Some of the most capable people I've known just took a while to get jobs. A lot has to line up for you to get the job and sometimes it doesn't work out at first. You'll get something.

Some (i.e. many) of my friends didn't get jobs the year after they graduated so they just took up casual jobs or went back for an extra year of study in masters or honours. Some even did a whole new degree and found something then.

There's a lot of options available, so it's just about keeping your options open. Keep an eye out on the job market whether proper grad programs, or just regular jobs. And even further study can be a good idea if you are keen on research. You sound like you've got a pretty inquisitive mind.

I hope the time with the friend is good, and your psych appointment goes well.

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry to hear about you missing out on the graduate program. Keep on trying. You'll find something. I liked how yesterday you were looking at jobs that worked with your social anxiety and actually applying. I think that is a great idea.

Just focus on a job. Any job that you find interesting regardless of what it pays... the work experience and build-up of confidence will be worthwhile. Not to mention the income.

Enjoy your day out 😊

[HamSolo01]

hey

Yeah. I figured what i need to do is research more. Seems like postgrad will be an option for sure.

My anxiety is playing up today. Even if it doesn't prevent me from doing things when im out places doing whatever it is i gotta do it still bugs me in the back of my mind. Today is a classic example. I'm starting to see how it effects me in subtle ways as well.

It also seems like there is an in built idea that i need to meet a certain measurement or metric to feel like i fit in. I guess its feelings > logic thing kicking in again.

I find im also more prone to feeling bad when im wondering around aimlessly at a shopping mall. I always feel like i dont fit in and that i stand out somehow.. people are looking at me or something.. they can read my innermost thoughts.

I think in some ways ive come far in all of this. I just have to remember to take a seat and relax at times, knowing im on a good path.

Venting on here helps as well.

I find at times i have really negative thoughts about my self worth and esteem. But outside my own mind its not that bad. I can actually function.

Its a hard thing because i doubt myself yet still manage to find some energy and push through.

Im beginning to think postgrad is maybe going to be my next option next year. Because itll help me pursue a career in an area im interested in. That requires research. Only through that can i find more info. Its also because i think i cant live in a routine driven lifestyle.. but im not sure

Ive also learned about radical acceptance therapy. Its proving quite helpful for my stress and anxiety. Depression is the harder side of it though.

I think i just need to keep doing what im doing. Remember that life is by no means over at 23. Maybe there are bigger things in stock for me.. again with postgrad study haha. I like the idea of doing that iverseas for a year.. work in a bookstore while living in the US.. idk.. Lately ive thought of that as a dream i could fulfill..

Again its just a question of balance in life and not caring so much about what others think. I do that because i want to feel approval but i think its silly because i do already have approval. I need to learn to drop stuff thats holding me down.

Its all part of it i guess.

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

How is your weekend going? I hope you've made some plans. Get out and enjoy yourself 😊

I like this...

Again its just a question of balance in life and not caring so much about what others think. I do that because i want to feel approval but i think its silly because i do already have approval. I need to learn to drop stuff thats holding me down.

That makes a hell of a lot of sense. You already have approval. I forget that too sometimes.

Just wanted to cheer you on. I like this positive analytical mood. It's great to see.

[HamSolo01]

hey quercus

so far so good

gym this morning, then ate breakfast out and got a haircut afterwards

i actually found that while i was at the shops, i felt a little anxious and decided to do a bit of exposure therapy - walk down the other end (its a massive mall) and get a juice then walk back. Seems rather small, but it counts for a lot i thought. I had a renewed sense of value. This is because I told myself that I wasn't my past.

I remember thinking to myself that I'm taming demons in my mind. I've had to deal with some horrible people and some horrible experiences. I realised this when I saw people I knew from church when I used to go. I was able to function fine. I remembered to tell myself that I'm not my past and that it's not as bad as I feel like it is. I also felt better that I had increased some of the weights at the gym. Just to feel the extra resistance. It all builds.

It's kind of good having the physical example of gradual increase in front of me at the gym and having the experience in real life in my battles with depression and anxiety. Just have to keep on keeping on I guess.

when I wrote that post yesterday I was feeling pretty low. Even though I was outside doing stuff.

I find that being outside in the world or at home makes no difference to my moods and anxiety levels. Going out and doing something is always beneficial. But it won't solve the problem of my anxiety, in some cases it can make it worse. What I need to do is have a grip on the angst and depression first. That way when it inevitably hits me when I'm out places it won't hurt as much. That was an example today.

I've made 100 bucks for the funrun too. Many people liked the facebook post, but they haven't donated. I don't really care though tbh. I guess just doing the thing will be enough for my own personal journey really. Nothing else. Someone donated from high school whom I haven't spoken to since my 21st lol. Howsabout that.

The rest of today I'm taking off. Doing what I want. I don't go out and party much, not really interested in that. I've kind of moved on I guess. Matured a bit.

I'm about to make a tea and go out on the balcony and read my book in the sunlight.

Might have an early night too. Feel really sleep deprived.

Tomorrow it's the coffeeshop as usual on a sunday and then planning out what I need to do this week.

There's a rundown of my life for you haha.

Take care 🙂

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Cuppa, book and sunshine. Now that is a good plan!

It's probably only recently I've started accepting that it's ok to have your own interests. I remeber being so anxious at uni because I didn't like parties and crowds and clubs and felt like I was just missing that "being young and carefree" gene. So just do what suits you. There's nothing wrong with doing what YOU enjoy.

The fun run sounds really good actually. Something worthwhile. And it does feel good seeing physical progress. The gym is a great place to be. The roytine is even better. I'm enjoying exercise lately just because of how it makes my joints less painful. It's weird to be enjoying focusing on the feel of muscle movement but I suppose knowing what it feels like to be physically restricted makes me appreciate this improvement.

I like how you said you're not your past. So true. Hubby told me once that our pasts are just experiences good and bad that we learn from and change. Who you were then doesn't have to rule you forever because you grow.

Look through your posts HamSolo01... You have ups and downs but you are learning and changing and pushing yourself and helping yourself. And you know when to slow down and rest and take care of yourself. These are all good things.

[HamSolo01]

hey all

thought i would post up a couple of things that have been on my mind of late

- I'm starting to see how my religious experience in high school has really formed some negative, deep seated emotions within me that have stuck around for a while now. I know some of you are religious and I accept that. I take your advice on board because you are people who've dealt with the same. Not because of your religion. But in my life I am starting to really see the negative impact it had on me growing up. Especially seeing the biblical counsellor at my school, telling him things that I shouldn't have really did not help. But I guess I was at an age where I was trying to figure things out and at that point in my life it was the answer. Half of me must come to terms with that fact while the other half is still dealing with the negative ideas I have about myself. That's a kettle of fish to work on. But I can accept in principle that it's a demon that will come and go. Compartmentalising like that helps too

- I'm beginning to see that if I want to change things, I must put in the effort. This is something that I've always known and believed. I've seen the impact it has on me. I've experience the bettering it has had. But due to my mental health conditions it is foggy to me. But this last week has taught me that I just need to press through the darker moments. No need to pitty myself and feel sad about it. Just accept the fact it will come by. So long as I keep my eyes on whatever it is I need to do next it's okay.

- the relationship thing that has plagued me for a while now is fundamentally linked to my self-worth (which relates back to the first point I made). Being taught that sex was only for marriage had a lasting impact on me and has no doubt shaped my self-worth. But I have moved past that idea. But I don't accept the hook up culture. I just do as I want and accept myself - that's most important.

- I've made progress in my mental health journey. Even as I write this I feel a bit surreal but it's a sign that things are indeed getting better mentally. That's all that matters really.

continued:

[HamSolo01]

- I'm engaging myself more. I will do my best to start the airport volunteering in the next week. I need to find out about music. I'm joining a political party at uni. I'm trying to find group therapy (but they havent got back to me, so time to find some new ones - any ideas?) I've found that even sending an email can be hard. But that's social anxiety i guess. I just have to dispel the myths that come with the thoughts that people think I'm weird. In the end it's baby steps. I have that new job starting in a week and a bit. It's only a temporary thing but it'll look good hopefully. And it's some cash I use to spend on something nice.

Today at the coffee shop i looked back over the past week and felt nice that I'd achieved some stuff.

This is however always tinged with a hint of regret - regret that I have not done things sooner. But then again, at that point in history I did what I felt was right and good. I need to remember that this mental health journey has been 5 years in the making.. not the past 2 months.

I kept telling myself yesterday at the shops that I am not my past. People do not know my past. I only do and I don't even need to think that it's got a hold over me.

Just need to accept myself and be patient.

In terms of next year I just need to keep researching postgrad opportunities overseas. That's all that's required. I've had a few people say it's not a good idea to do it so soon. But it's my own choice. I think I'm smart enough to make an informed choice. I guess that's the "Seeking approval from others" thing kicking in. I wouldn't let myself run into something dumb anyway lol. That's the point of researching and getting help (Reminds me I need to contact my tutor soon)

Onwards and upwards I guess. Just keep on going 🙂