I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

hey

i went to the hospital this morning and spoke to the registrar nurse there in the mental health unit

same story really, just need to keep on track with it all

i guess its just been a rough few days

on the mend now, just need to stay on task and remember that things are actually getting better

i also want to watch more comedy because i find that helps lol

anyways, thanks again 🙂

[BenignSky]

*wraps arms around you tightly and rubs your back*

Sometimes all we need is human contact.

Wish I could offer more help. You're on the mend, and you always are. One step backwards = two steps forward. You're always going forward, no matter the setback.

Comedy is pretty great. You're from NSW, yeah? Perhaps ask some of your female friends if they'd want to go to one of the millions of comedy festivals that happens? Could be a fun time out. I'm not sure how expensive tickets are, so I apologise in advanced if this idea is not possible for you. Maybe a birthday present? I dunno.

Do you know where your interests lie? Or you don't really know what 'turns you on' right now?

Can I make a suggestion? Tell one of your friends how much they mean to you. It doesn't have to be a long paragraph. Sometimes just a message or phone call out of the blue. Don't make the mistake I do which is expecting a reply straight back. This ties in with what I said the other day. I know you said you had tried, but you didn't 'succeed' because you were feeling pretty low. Maybe now that you're feeling a little better, a message to one of your friends might lift your mood even more so?

Just a suggestion, feel free to completely skip this haha.

Hope you're doing okay man. Onwards and upwards.

[ehj]

Hi HamSolo01, just read your post. My whole life, all I ever wanted to do was get married and have kids. I was almost there, got married and about to try for children and I was faced with depression. I had to make lots of lifestyle changes. I had to learn to stop 'wanting' things and realise that everything that makes me happy is right here in front of me. It has made me a better person and I have gone on to fundraise for beyondblue since they helped me in times of need. When I was unwell, I never thought I would be able to go on and help other people because I couldn't see light at the end of the tunnell but... here I am. Goodluck and I hope this helps 😀

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

You'll have to excuse me, when I replied to you yesterday I didn't see your last two posts above my last post and didn't see that you were struggling, my last response would of been more different to you so I apologise about that.

I was glad to read your most recent post was that you are feeling a little better... just keep reminding yourself you are getting better... write it down and look at it every day. I know the financial side is tough... did Uber say they would reject you or are you thinking they will due to a fine you got 3 and half years ago? Do they not let anyone drive for them that doesn't have a 100% clean driving record?

We do care and we are listening.. please don't think you're alone, you are using these forums exactly correct and that is by venting on here, it is exactly what they are for.

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

I'm relieved to see you seem a bit more on track after your visit to the hospital. How are you holding up now?

This bothered me a lot...

no one listens and no one cares

You know that's not true right?

When is your next psychiatrist visit? Do you think the new meds are helping you or too early to tell?

I'm pretty worried about you to be honest. Those last few posts were really brutal (there is was a lot of despair and self hate and anger in them). I struggled to read them they were a bit too familiar to how I was feeling.

That said I'm asking my psychiatrist to review my meds tomorrow because I feel unstable. Do you think this might be something you need to discuss too?

Hope you are ok.

[HamSolo01]

Hey all

Thank you for your input and help. I appreciate it.

It's been a rough week or so.

I think in the darker moments I forget the real truths - that people care. They do. It just doesn't FEEL that way. When your perception is mucked up by depression and anxiety it has the ability to screw with your sense of reality. I've always known this, but then again it's different to know something and feel it.

It may sound trivial but the reality is that I need to continue living my life. I am doing this anyway, but it just feels like I'm on autopilot. The registrar nurse lady person (whatever they are) who spoke to me yesterday made the point that it's not all over yet. I'm only 23 and have so much more to live for and look forward to. This is true as day. It just doesn't FEEL like it. (Feelings again right?)

She suggested that I just go and do stuff, be involved and soak it all up. Tbh I kinda found that unhelpful because I want to do all that but I can't due to the nerves, angst, self hate, self esteem problems... But it's a process. A step by step process. I've never been able to swim in the deep end and when I've tried it's been met with failure.

But I think now I'm getting better I can start doing this. So, tomorrow I see my psych (Who will be informed about my hospital visit yesterday) and I want to talk to him about how I can set up my goals to ENSURE that I actually do them. I know for a fact that I'm on the right path atm but I just want to make sure I don't get lazy, unmotivated or overly anxious.

I have a skype interview today for a job i found on the uni website (teaching english as a second language to young korean students). I wrote up a letter and sent my resume (that's easy for me to do). I always need to remember how my interview skills are actually good. That I can master that stuff easily. This goes to what the lady said yesterday - that perceptions and thoughts are not going to be accurate when it comes to anxiety and depression. There will be bad days indeed.

I've also finalised the funrun stuff. Just need to post it on my facebook and hopefully people throw some money at it haha.

So while it may still FEEL bad, things are certainly improving. This is where patience plays a role.

Off to the gym later today with a friend. Then I might do the same tomorrow.I have some good friends around me too which I need to remember 🙂

Thanks for sticking by me though guys. It's really helpful.

[james1]

Hey what distance is your fun run? I did a 10km one on Sunday? 🙂 It was enjoyable....foro the first kilometer haha.

James

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

When you're in a good head space it's obvious that you're capable and you really do help yourself (gym with friend, job applications, fun run...). I think you're right about the key word being FEEL. On the low days you know you're on the right track, have support, are working towards goals... but the FEELINGS utterly overwhelm logic.

I wish I had some advice on how to help with that. But I'm drawing a blank. I'm very similar. My husband is very logical. He tries to work out practical solutions when I'm down and I'm all about the feelings and all over the place. We drive eachother nuts 😊.

The only thing that seem to help is just waiting the mood swing out. Just giving myself TLC however I can and distracting myself. If your psychiatrist has any ideas let me know 😊.

Anyway take care of yourself HamSolo01.

[HamSolo01]

@Jay - it's about 11kms. But I will be walking for the most part haha.I might run a bit of it, but i'll need to train up my running skill. Hopefully i raise some good dineros (spanish for cash/money) and can put it toward the mental health charity I'm representing.

@quercus - Hi. I think a good thing to recall is the fact that thoughts are not the same as emotions. I'm slowly learning what this is and what it looks like to be able to "diffuse" the two. Say for instance I feel a bit low (as I presently do atm despite having gone to the gym and caught up for lunch with a mate), I need to be aware of the fact that thoughts which will enter my mind are not emotions and they certainly are not legit. I feel like I've wasted time and the thought that enters my mind is "too little too late" or "the horse has bolted". This is because of the emotional aspect, then it triggers off a thought and i ascribe emotion to it.. "Yeh it's too late, why bother, it's all futile" and i get depressed af. The way around this I think is to remember two fundamental truths. Firstly, as a result of my mental illness I will naturally catastrophise and make things out to be what they are not. Secondly, I need to realise that while I'm in a lower mood then I must be cautious about what i think about, what I say and what I feel. The second bit requires me to be self-reflective which is something I do anyway, however I need to apply it in the right way - what I am slowly learning to do.

I also need to cut myself some slack, set some overarching goals and also have realistic expectations. Case in point? Work. I'm not gonna be making top dollar at this point in my life (due to uni timetable being so abstract and illogical) so i need to look for work that is basically going to cover essential costs and recreational ones too. This is why tutoring works well for me - so long as it is close by. Looking on the uni database is proving very effective so i will keep at it with that. Just saw another job advert for note taking for disability services so i will defs put in for that. Just need to be practical, logical and thought out in the work i look for. In theory i could apply for a baseline job but i can't fit it in without sacrificing uni.. not worth doing that imo.

I also need to get back into some hobbies. Some old and new ones too. But baby steps really.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Glad to read you are in a lot better of a space right now... just remember when you get into those dark and down moods, come back and read these last couple of posts and I think they will help pull you through those dark days. There is always hope and your attitude at the moment is spot on.

Tutoring is something you seem to be really good at and I am glad there seems to be some more opportunity arising for you in that and even the note taking for the disability service. I think jobs like that for you are perfect, where there isn't much added stress for you, currently it's not needed, just stuff that is practical as you said. Can't say I have met many people in their early 20's who earn top dollar, this is the age where you find yourself and learn everything you can about yourself which you are doing.

The fun run sounds awesome as well so well done for doing that.

My best,

Jay