I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry to read your appointment got moved, sucks when that happens and no idea how they let is happen to be honest. I like the positivity of the stuff you plan to do in the meantime however. I have seen others almost curl up and go into hiding until the appointment... keeping the positivity up and doing things to help yourself is a major key so well done.

I know it's tough but try to never lose those values, I do not want to be cliché but the right girl will come along and absolutely adore that you are like that, you sound like you have so much to offer someone and in the end the right girl needs to be almost worthy of that. I know it's so damn tough cause you see how it seems to work in the real world that the nice guys finish last when it comes to dating but I still like to think myself it is not true and just keep true to yourself, if this is really how you feel hold onto those values cause they are great.

One thing I love doing when I'm down or want some pick me up.. google motivational videos on YouTube and listen to some, people put them together with various motivational speakers, speaking on life motivation and how to get motivated. You may find some useful stuff in them, not every single speech will resonate with you but some might.

Keep venting as well, it really seems to help you which is great.

My best,

Jay

[james1]

Hey mate,

Sorry I haven't checked in in the past few days. Girl problems doing my head in (I kid you not)

That said, it actually sounds like you've mentally been making some small steps along the way which has been nice to see.

"In the end I think I just need to refocus and readjust EVERYTHING in my mind. Start employing CBT in my spare time."

This pretty much sums it up. I mean, it's easier said than done, but it won't be done unless it's said, you know? So there - you've started already, haha.

Anyway, I thought I'd chime in on your thoughts about relationships because it's something I'm banging my head against the wall with at the moment.

Between my two long term relationships, I ended up doing exactly what you said - I got comfortable with the idea that I'd be alone, at least in the foreseeable future. I mean, it was kind of forced upon me when I got dumped then rejected/friendzoned repeatedly, but once I just focussed on what I wanted to do and met friends that way, I was just a lot more comfortable in my own skin.

And, yes, that's how the second relationship started - from a dancing class a friend dragged me into which I didn't want to go to. It was completely by chance.

Sometimes we can put so much energy into satisfying a need we think we want that we can actually miss these chance encounters which only occur when we focus on ourselves.

So a relationship/sex/love would be wonderful, but your need for it stems from a perceived emasculation without it. If that's a self-created thought and if we can't get rid of it, how else can you feel more comfortable as a male? Do you even need to be comfortable as a male and not just as a person?

I think of some people, who are male, who I respect - Lin Manuel Miranda is a songwriter who looks like he's never even been outside. A friend of mine is really into rock climbing and happens to have the body for it. These are things which are totally non-specific to gender, but also completely unrelated to their relationships.

So for me, it helps to just accept that I will feel pretty inadequate out of a relationship for now, but I know I value these things about people and if I develop them in myself, perhaps that feeling of inadequacy will slowly leave as it did before.

James

[HamSolo01]

Pretty much

I just feel like I'm dealing with about 6 different things at once right now.... making me stress a hell of a lot.

Had to do psychometric tests for the graduate positions.... bloody horrible haha. I swear I used to be good at that stuff. My moods ALWAYS effect my ability to think clearly and logically and sure enough my mind chooses this period of my life to screw with me - when I'm doing tests to determine whether or not I'd be suited to a job like that. A job like that would be perfect for me as it offers security and stability. But naturally in order to perform well at it you have to be secure and stable.... Catch-22.

On the plus side I'm not THAT keen on it anyway. I don't like the idea of being stuck in Canberra. Especially if there's an entire world out there. At least by doing my own thing and working for myself I'd be happier right?

I feel like these days people are conditioned into thinking one way or another. Whereas I'm like so not that.

Just gets demoralising with the constant stress.

Anywho, hope yous are well 🙂

Thanks again

[james1]

Haha psychometric tests are the worst. I remember I had to do one while I was overseas in this little town called Whitby. I had to find a computer (it was the only place I stayed in a B&B rather than a hostel, so this was difficult) and had to do quick maths calculations with the bloody computer calculator. At the time, I didn't know you could use the numpad so I had to click all the damn buttons 😞 Yeah, I didn't get the job, lol.

I think it's good you're evaluating and re-evaluating what you want to do. It shows you're willing to consider options, but it sounds like you're a bit frustrated by that as well. Sometimes being a little less...thinky...is less stressful.

I've been working in finance for the last 4.5 years and I've now figured out that it's not for me. That could happen to you as well, but it's actually for the better. We learn a lot when we're doing different things - things that we wouldn't normally have picked.

So you sound like a pretty well-rounded guy from all the experiences you've had. Now it's a matter of letting yourself see that, and appreciating yourself for these qualities. After all, it's hard for others to see that if we don't let them, you know? 🙂

Stressful, for sure. But that's why we're here - to remind you that you're plugging along for a reason. Plus, you know, you're an interesting and well-spoken guy.

James

[HamSolo01]

"Plus, you know, you're an interesting and well-spoken guy." hahaha if only chicks said this to me yeh? hehe

Idk man, I'm just stressed af and angst ridden while also being depressed.

New psych in 2 weeks will help I think. Group therapy I dunno what is happening there - they are going to contact me when they have a new round of sessions - 9 week commitment. Either way, I hope it goes ahead.

That's life I guess right?

I gotta admit though, this relationship things is really deep-seeded in me. I can't figure out why. I wish it would either go away OR I'd find one. It's weird. Everyone else seems capable of doing so. I dont have any friendship group that I am a part of - Just different friends dotted around the place and I kinda move around. Maybe that's why? ehhhh i just feel unwanted you know?

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Just seeing how you're doing 😊. How're you holding up?

Did you end up going to the old psychologist again? Hopefully he was helpful and didn't say "we've been over this before" again!

I don't have much of use to say today (in the process of lowering my dose to start a new lot of meds so I feel crap to be honest). But I just wanted to drop by and make sure you're ok.

[HamSolo01]

Hey

Unfortunately I got the dates wrong and I missed the fact that the psych appointment was a day earlier. Ah well. I have more pressing matters to attend to with my mental health and I guess I could ask you considering this has been an outlet.

Here's the thing that's just come up today. 2 of my 'closest' friends still dont fully understand the fact that i deal with all this stuff right? Now, why is that? Because I've grown apart from them. Let's call them *tom and *jerry. Right. So, I’ve been on/off again with them both yeh? Well today for lunch I organised to catch up with tom. But naturally jerry came along too - they were probably talking to one another like normal… surely enough I
came up as a subject - given that I’ve been off the grid. Anyways, I was hoping to speak to tom about this mental health stuff. I want to because I’ve known him since childhood, same with jerry actually. But I can’t tell them both at once. Now they have some thing on tonight and they invited me - but it’ll be a repeat of last time I went. I’ll hate it and I’ll want to go. Jerry kindly reminded me that I did that last time with his stupid sense of humour… which annoyed me because I left becuase they all started talking about sex who was hooking up with who etc... I brushed it off but it made me remember that they both have no concept of any of this. Considering Tom recently told me that I can talk to him about this stuff last week, I might as well take him up on that offer. What I’m considering doing is just sending him a message and saying “thanks for inviting me tonight, but I kinda wanted to talk to you on your own today because of the mental health stuff. Jerry being there threw me off because he has a tendency to over-react etc etc.”

Basically something like that… But I dunno. It’s such a risk. What do you
reckon?

The easy answer is say no to going out tonight and that's the end of it. BUT I know that just makes it worse. Sitting there at the table... listening to them.... I'm surprised I didn't just get up and walk off. I knew I had to stick it out. But there comes a time where that has to stop and serious discussion must take place. I have been suicidal in the past. I take medication. I see a shrink. It's more than just 'feeling' depressed. My worry is that they'll brush it off and make fun of me. IF that does occur then fine. Friendship done. I don't want that, nor should I pre-empt it. But something needs to happen now. It's been this way for too long.

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry I was out today just checked my phone.

Obviously it's your call but I think texting your friend and reminding him you needed to speak to him personally is a good idea. It's a good feeling having friends who actually understand what is happening with you so they can have your back.

I'd give the plans for tonight a go to. You can always leave if you feel uncomfortable. But at least you'll be out and hopefully enjoying yourself.

Hope you have a good weekend HamSolo01. I have my fingers crossed to hear tmw that you really enjoyed yourself 😊

[HamSolo01]

Hey

Ive texted them. Will speak tomorrow. I figure that its best to be honest. "To thine own self be true"

I asked a couple of friends and they thought it was a good idea. If it works then good, im on the same level as them. Can work it out. I need a more male-based support. If it faultures then so be it - did what i had to. Was honest. Itll be interesting to see where it goes. I have a generally good feeling about it to be honest. He is a good guy. Its just hard at the moment. As long as he understands where im coming from and listens - after all he said he was there to talk if need be.

I decided against going tonight. Last time i went it was bad. Just left. Need an early one, been a busy week. Lack of sleep doesnt help either.

Thanks ! Hope you can too 🙂

[Quercus]

Good for you HamSolo01!

I truly hope your talk goes well and he is supportive. I'm a firm believer in honesty after the last few days so I hope your talk helps you too.

One of the things I'm noticing is when I'm honest people open up more. Like my sister I didn't really know much about her personal life. Then we talked and now I understand why she is the way she is sometimes. It's a good thing to have real relationships not just people we hang out with.

Hope you manage to catch up on some sleep. I'm off tmw to take the kids to see my family (no reception) so will pop by Tues to see how you're going. Take care and hope everything goes well 😊