I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

You've been a bit quiet everything ok? Hopefully it's cos you're busy with tutoring and uni and the gym and all 😊

How did your psychiatrist appointment go? Did you give brutal honesty a go?

Anyways hoping you are feeling well at the moment.

[HamSolo01]

Hey

Thanks for checking up

The last week has been interesting. I've just been busy with uni. Changed my psychologist too which was a good thing. This new one works with the psychiatrist. They share notes in other words, which is good.The other psychologist I realised was just becoming lazy with the approach they took. If I had a dollar for every time he said "we've been over this before" I'd be able to pay off my HECS debt already.. bloody nuisance.

But I'm looking forward to starting with a new one - someone more qualified too i think.The new psych is a woman too, strangely I feel like that will be better? I dunno why...

Your question: "You seem so very worried about the fact that you haven't had a relationship. What do you think is normal? Do you think your situation is abnormal? I can tell you it's not."

This got me thinking.

I reckon it's a generational thing. 99% of people I know and am friends with tend to place their self-esteem and confidence in that sort of thing. In order to feel valued and accepted by society, there seems to be a tendency to want relationships. A friend once told me that it's like people think "better something than nothing."

I used to think that..

But I think deep down I'm just very self-conscious. I genuinely do feel ugly most of the time. Ugly on the inside I think, just as much as the outside. It's not like I fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, but I don't value myself at all. I never take compliments seriously. Like I try to take them lightly. It's stuffed up I know. I reckon it's probably because I'm a guy too. Like I sometimes feel less of a man because I've never been laid. I think accepting who I am is something I have to do, before I can let others do it. Deep down I know that, perhaps that's why I've been apprehensive? All this sort of stuff I already know I'll be able to raise with the new psychologist. The old one would've just said "okay let's make a plan", "we need to go over this again." There's only so much help a fat guy in his 50s can give to a 23 year old. At least this way I can start fresh, and on stuff I need to get help with. The new psych will come at this with a clean slate, with some information from someone who she works with. This way it'll be stronger. This is exactly what the psychiatrist said - stronger CBT.

Anywho, thanks for checking. I reckon I might've scared everyone off haha except you.

Peace out 🙂

[james1]

Hey mate,

sorry I haven't been posting here. I've been pretty up and down of late and I try to monitor myself a little bit better when I'm like this.

I love your little comment about the ugly tree. I found that quite funny.

As a guy also in mid-20s, I know what you mean about that fear of being less of a guy. It's a very self defeating expectation we place on ourselves but it's there, regardless of whether we think it's dumb or not. Still, it's also a completely self-imposed belief. Other people worth our time simply don't care about that.

I saw something either here or in the Friends' cafe where you said you've been struggling basically to change your thoughts. I think that's a good thing - it means you're really trying hard, and also that, when you do manage to change some of these self-beliefs, it should be a real proper, long lasting change.

Anyway, a lot of this stuff is stuff which would be good to chat to your new psychologist about. Sometimes we get paired with doctors who aren't right for us and we only realise later. It's hard because we're struggling with ourselves and don't have the time to think properly about whether a doctor is good for us or not. I've realised I work better with female psychs because, well, I went to a guy's only school and to say I've got a biased view about males and how emotionally connected they are is a massive understatement. Wrong view, clearly, but my current (female) psych seems to be going well so I'm in no rush to change that, haha.

But yeah, it's been really obvious to me that you've been doing a truckload of thinking recently, so I imagine it will be good when you do have your appointment to actually put a lot of this thinking into action.

James

[HamSolo01]

Thanks man 🙂

I agree. "It's a very self defeating expectation we place on ourselves but it's there, regardless of whether we think it's dumb or not."

I get sick of counselors, friends, psychologists and doctors and families saying "oh you'll meet someone" or "everyone has their time" or "it's just a silly thing people do" but in actual fact it exists whether you like it or not. It's there regardless. Stop trying to deny it haha. Sometimes I feel like the only way I'll ever be content with it is if I just rest with the thought I'll be alone forever. Horrible thought. Who would WANT that? But I do feel like it's the only way forward with this.

"It's hard because we're struggling with ourselves and don't have the time to think properly about whether a doctor is good for us or not." Yep. Bloody annoying right haha? But I reckon it makes us stronger strangely enough. As Nietzsche once said, "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."

I feel like this is true for suicidal people. Who've been there and experienced it and are pushing through it. Cultures of protection and safety have a place for sure, but eventually we must confront the demons we deal with or else we are mastered by them.

As a dude in your mid-20s I feel like I have a heap of questions for you haha. Either way, I respect that you take time to look over and recover yourself - that's a surefire way to improve 🙂

I remember I saw a female counselor back in year 8 and it helped. Didn't need to see them again after lol. Maybe there's a lesson in that experience? Either way I know I've made the correct choice.

Peace bro, and thanks for checking in 🙂

Take care

[Quercus]

Hi again,

I reckon I might've scared everyone off haha except you.

Nah don't think that HamSolo01. I've noticed that lots of people stay silent on here sometimes when they aren't coping themselves. But that doesn't mean they're not listening or following how you're feeling.

I reply to you because I've had this discussion before with another young man in my offline world. So I feel like I have something to offer you even if that is simply to give you the knowledge and reassurance that you aren't alone and that your feelings are valid and normal.

Your last post has a lot of things I want to talk about. I will get back to you in the next few days. I've lost the plot today need some time to sort myself out sorry (you're welcome on my thread if you want the nitty gritty). Off to work now sigh.

Take care of yourself and I'm pleased about your new psych.

[Spearmint]

You didn't scare me off, I felt like I had nothing else to offer you and that maybe what I said wasn't helpful.

You sound like you're taking positive action which is great! Self reflection and working on your inner stuff can be a lot of work but it's worth it so don't get deterred.

I think we all feel pressure whether it is real or perceived "expectations from society" as to what goals and markers should be achieved at different stages of our lives. For example, Go to uni - travel - get perfect job - get married - buy house - have kids, etc.. Then when we're not meeting those "markers" we feel like shit about ourselves. I think sexual experiences come under that as well. It's hard enough getting even one area of your life in a healthy place let alone having everything perfect at once. We put so much pressure on ourselves and all it really does is steal the joy from our lives.

Good luck, keeping taking those healthy steps forward.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Didn't scare me off, I have just been away the last week, glad you are able to find these forums useful and you have struck up a good conversation with Quercus which is great. Your posts a very positive which is a great thing to see to be honest... you actually are doing well even though it may not feel like it at time, I can see in your posts you are making progress which is great.

How's the last couple of days been since your last post?

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

well i think its appropriate i be honest here now... the last few days have been pretty average.

i keep holding out for graduation, but im actually very scared about what comes next. Working in the real world frightens me because its a sign that ill need to move on from uni. That bugs me because its a reminder about how ive wasted my time at uni by not making the most of opportunities that came my way. What's more is that im just numb. Ive felt like crying but just couldnt get the energy. Just feels like my entire situation is hopeless and im wasting my time, energy and youth.

The only positive is that i get to see a new psychologist this friday. With any luck i wont try and hide behind the veil like i do all the time. Glad ive ditched the old psychologist.

Ive practically lied my way into a job i enjoy doing - tutoring. I didnt do great in HSC but i did best in english and i pretty much gave myself an extra 15 ATAR points whenever ive applied to tutoring jobs, and 10 points on my english mark. Last night i was looking for more tutoring work, found a place looked really good, went to apply and the bloody thing wanted my hsc record... there goes that idea. The irony? the person who runs it sponsors beyondblue because of their mental health experience.... what a joke... here i am unable to apply...

i went out and caught up with a friend on saturday arvo then got invited to a party for her friend whom i knew. I hesitated at first but then knew it was a chance to fight off some of the social phobia i have. Went along, was nice, even made people laugh ffs... but i was told i looked bored at one point and that shattered my confidence. I thought i had a handle on this... all that progress for nothing.

anyway... things are bad. But yet im not suicidal (im close though) because i feel like this fridays appt with the new psych will be worthwhile.

Then theres the relationship stuff, the money stuff, the travel stuff, the body image stuff... i could go on at length really but i feel like ive wasted enough of your days.

Just done with all this.

Anyways, thanks for checking in 🙂

atm you guys are the only lifeline i have

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

I just saw your post and saw that you're really hurting right now. You said...

i could go on at length really but i feel like ive wasted enough of your days

You need to know you're not a waste of anyone's time! You don't have to wait for a reply on here to post if you're feeling like crap. Even if that means writing 5 posts in a row to get all the worries out of your head. This is YOUR thread. It's a safe space just for you to say whatever you need to whenever the pain hits. And we're here for you ok.

Do you think you can get an appointment earlier with the new psych? I was wanting to say earlier that I agree the old psych wasn't helpful. I dwell on painful subjects sometimes that's all I can think about because they're overwhelming me. Just because you've spoken about it before doesn't mean it's not an ongoing issue for you. I hope you find the female psych understands this too.

You've taken some really positive steps even if it doesn't feel like it. Going to a party with anxiety is absolutely massive (believe me I've been there!). Were you actually bored? Before the comment it sounded like you were enjoying yourself. In future maybe you can just say... I get a bit anxious in crowds but I'm not bored. Might even get them talking some more. But the main thing is you're making an effort and that is a fantastic thing. Being out of your comfort zone is always exhausting but at least you can say you are trying. That is something to be very proud of.

Arrgh I have more to say but my kids are demanding breakfast and the loo and generally irritating me. So I have to go for now. Take care ok and keep talking we are listening to you.

[Quercus]

Ok the immediate concerns for the kids are met so I'm back.

I kept thinking about how you said...

I get sick of counselors, friends, psychologists and doctors and families saying "oh you'll meet someone" or "everyone has their time" or "it's just a silly thing people do" but in actual fact it exists whether you like it or not.

My friend mentioned the same thing once. I realised how much harm comments like that do. So I'm sorry I offered similar crap at one point. I should have known better. It's hard as a woman to understand the concept of feeling less of a man but I have had it explained to me before. He told me it was hard to feel an equal to other men because he knew they would judge him. He said he felt inferior to other men and had a sense of shame and embarrassment. I didn't really understand this at the time because as a woman I felt embarrassed and ashamed because of my sexual experiences. It's ridiculous how we are moulded to expect ourselves to live up to certain standards.

He would go to his sporting club and there was a constant discussion of sex and women and he felt embarrassed that at his age he had nothing to contribute (he was your age) and would withdraw.

His self esteem was shattered because his family kept asking him if he was gay. The confusion and self shame he carried around was constant and in his mind was unresolvable unless he'd slept with a woman. Such pain to carry around every day and it astounded me how fundamentally different women and men are. I couldn't understand the pressure.

Do you feel like this?