I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

[HeyJude]

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour.

People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected).

I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty.

I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

[Ggrand]

Dearest Jude...

I just thought to paste this here for you to try if you start to hyperventilate, the first sign you are is breathing too quickly....This has worked for me...I hope it will for you as well.....I am sitting here with you special lovely lady and sending you much love, care and some warm hugs...🤗🤗🤗🤗..

I was taught last hospital visit to slow down my breathing by opening up my hands and with the pointer finger trace from the wrist on my other hand slowly breathing in on the way up on one finger then out on the way down , do it to each finger on the hand slowly, it has helped me not to hypoventilate again..maybe you could try that....

Here for you Dearest Jude..

Grandy💜🕊🤗🌹...

[Ayisha]

HeyJude

This is my first time on any forums and i saw your post. I was wondering how things are going? I have had a lot go on in my life, so perhaps i can help you? I have had depression and CPTSD almost all of my life. I'm 55 years of age.

Would love to hear from you

Ishy

[HeyJude]

Hello dearest Grandy and Ayisha - thank you for your post Grandy on helping to slow down the breathing to avoid hyperventilation. I have copied and pasted and will try it when I feel a panic attack coming on. When they hit they are so powerful - and i can dissociate, that's why I don't like to be outside anywhere without a means "of a quick rescue and way out". I can't catch buses or trains or travel far because of it. And driving is hard, I can't drive far. Has reduced my quality of life to near zero. I so appreciate your help and friendship. I seem to be going down a slippery slope and presently am in a deep depression. Sorry that I haven't posted for a bit, when like this I find it hard to articulate anything, but am so grateful for the care from you and others and reading all your posts helps a lot. You are a beautiful person, would of been the best mother.....so not fair.

Hi Ishy - so nice to meet you. Presently I am in a dark place, I find it hard to express myself when like this. It is like my brain is not working as it was - I use to be able to write and express myself quite well. I have had a recent threat to my life lately and great loss (long story); and also quite a lot of hurt by someone I should of been able to trust. A lot of heartbreak also. I do suffer nightmares and my sleep is everywhere, making me worse.

The worst part I feel is I do not have a strong support system (no family) except my husband - but he is unwell and going through these traumas too (although handles it much better). People have said to me that all go through grief, loss, trauma etc, I understand this - but some have so much more support.....I think this is the difference between coping or not. I suppose what I am saying is although I have shown bravery and strength, compassion etc in the past - I just don't think I can do this on my own. Family makes a big difference in getting through.

I also lost the little volunteer work I was doing that was giving me some sense of purpose. I don't see that I have anything to offer now. I feel more peace in nature, at the beach and bush. There I can feel something uplifting. Presently I feel empty and very sad. No zest. It's horrible.

My husband is going into the city next weekend for the day. I will be alone and am wondering how I will cope totally alone. I am panicking. It's pathetic to feel this way at 57 yrs old. I feel so weak and such a loser. Any advice is very appreciated. Sending warm thoughts to you both. x

[Ggrand]

Hello Jude,

Im pleased you will give it a try if you need it, fingers crossed that you won’t..I can understand how you feel about going out, my weekly trip is straight to work and back home, occasionally when I feel I’m able to I’ll do a shopping...I don’t feel safe or comfortable away from my home...

Jude sweetheart, your stronger then your depression, I know you have strength to pull up... Just something that maybe you can try when a unhealthy or negative thought pops into your mind....acknowledge it, but don’t think on it...the more we keep thinking on these negative thoughts the more they grow in intensity...( just an example)...My sons birthday keeps popping into my thoughts and a few times I thought on it ie:- about missing him, his birthday party without me...and it took me down..What I/we have to do is say okay, I won’t be there and totally change my/your thoughts onto something totally different, block it out with something I like doing, I come here first choice or read or put a DVD on just somthing to change my thoughts off the negative ones...Jude, please just keep trying distraction...and mindfulness the most you can..(They are I believe the start of our wellness journey, but are also ongoing throughout our journey to healing)...otherwise our thoughts continue on the negative we’re thinking and we hurt a lot....Jude it’s so hard without support, my support is here, no family, no one to talk to, but if we can stop our thoughts before they take a stronghold on us, we can stop them before they take us down...

Jude, on the weekend the day on your own...How about a nice long soak in a bubble bath or a nice long soak under a hot shower, a yummy lunch, something you like eating. maybe eat it outside or in a sunny spot in your house, while you feel the suns warmth heating your skin up....try and spend that day giving yourself some self care and doing what ever you feel like doing.. just some thoughts...

Youre not pathetic at all, please don’t think that..I’m early 60s with an emotional mind of an eight year old..., Youre definitely not weak or a loser either Jude, You’re helping me with you’re posts, and the strength you show in caring for your sick husband and running your household...That takes amazing strength to be able to do those things when your struggling with depression...Please lovely Jude...Please don’t be too hard on yourself, You’re very caring, compassionate, loving and have a beautiful heart Jude..

Love and hugs..💜🤗

Grandy..xxx

[Ayisha]

Hi Jude

Come the weekend when you are home alone, i suggest you do some therapy through music. Select some CD's of music of your era. Enough to last about 2 to 3 hours. You need to listen to the music loudly, very loudly. So I hope your neighbors won't. Set yourself up so that you don't have to leave the room (except for toileting). You will need pen and paper, perhaps a drink and something to nibble on. Then let it rip! Start singing & dancing, singing at the top of your voice, dancing like there's no tomorrow! Think about all the good times you have had over the years, whilst listening to this music. Think about all the wonderful memories. Keep singing and dancing. Keep enjoying yourself... when you have finished grab the pen and paper and start writing about how you felt during your music time. Even if you just start off with one words like fantastic, overwhelmed, happiness, young, attractive, energized, reminiscent, sad, helpless, etc. Then take a breather for about 30 minutes and come back to write some more. I suggest you turn your words into sentences and a brief story about your feelings during the time you listened to the music. Then here's the big challenge, you need to turn your story into a verse. This may take some time, but that's what your going to have this coming weekend...time. I hope you get some enjoyment with this exercise and I know it will make the time go past very quickly. May be you could send us all a piece of your verse.

Ishy x

[HeyJude]

Grandy - my dear, thank you so much for your constant support of me here. It is helping, and I am pleased I may be helping you too in some small way.

I feel so tired today as little sleep was had last night. One bit of good news, another manager from the volunteering work I use to do rang us saying that half the staff are not talking to the boss because of the way we were treated. She herself said to her that we deserved a apology. The boss walked out (too proud to admit wrongdoing). It helped me to know people felt we were wronged by and thought enough of us to do this. We were genuinely there because we cared about the people. It's a pity some people have that power to destroy such good work. The manager and her husband want to keep in touch with us. I am not normally good at that - but her loyalty there meant a lot.

I also managed to read a book - something I have not done for awhile. It's called the "Tattooist of Auschwitz" and it's a very interesting read, sad in parts but also inspiring and hopeful.

I will try some of those distracting techniques on not this weekend, but the next when hubby is away - a soak in the bath sounds nice. I keep thinking he will not return (some tragedy will happen), as that is what I am use to. Daughter also wants to have dinner on Sunday, perhaps a time to bond a bit again. How are you going? It must be lovely to have such a nice elderly lady around you for friendship. Sending a warm hug 🤗 ❤️

Ishy - hello! Seventies music was my favourite. Sometimes I really love to listen to it and it does have some fun memories (although I drank too much etc). I use to love to dance all night long. Now I can hardly get out of bed. What a difference. Not sure if my separation anxiety will allow it, I will try and jot a few things down. If I panic I may come on here. I just wish I mattered to someone enough to sit with me etc. I just don't matter. Feel so vulnerable when totally alone and having no one to ring or talk to. That can bring me down to a dangerous place and at risk - I am scared of the future.

At the moment I can't see one. I have been devastated with what my daughter did recently and has put us through the last 6 years. Just shattered. And all the medical appts coming up for hubby - I think "what disaster and trauma next? And then become paralysed - unable to have a normal day. Would be so wonderful to be able to really live and get some zest back. Presently I am in a dark pit

[Ggrand]

Hello Jude,

Its always so nice to hear from you..

Im pleased you were validated with your treatment from your ex employer.,it really does help when things get fixed to the way it should be, you sound like it helped you....I think it is so nice that they cared enough to do something and want to stay in touch with you, that shows you what a good and beautiful person you are... I’m lucky my boss is very understanding of my mh and try’s to understand me...

It warmed my heart to hear that you read a book, that’s something I haven’t been able to do, I’ve just got no concerntration.....An inspiring book will usually lift our spirits a little...

Thank you for saying you will try some distraction if you need to..and always a good soak in a bath with scented candles does give our soul some relaxation...

We worry our selves so much about our loved ones when they are away, but they are usually enjoying themselves oblivious to our concern, but that’s who you are, I hope you can try to settle those feeling soon. Hard I know because you love and care about him...

Jude, I’ll be hear next week end on the forums and I’ll keep an eye out for you in case you need to talk or just in need of some company.

I started out so afraid when hubby passed away with all my family so far away and no friends here, slowly I’m getting used to it, but to be totally honest I do at times go down with loneliness for my children and hubby, and sadness because of what caused it all....but I try to survive so one day we can be a family again....

Its lovely that your daughter wants to have dinner with you onnSunday,minreally hope that some bonding will happen...

What your doing Now day to day is such a very hard job and you’re doing a really good job sweetheart, I hope you know that and if you didn’t, I’m pleased I told you...

Always here for you lovely Jude..

Sending you some love and warm hugs..💜🤗..

Grandy..

[monkey_magic]

Hi,

Your name Hey Jude prompted me to look up the lyrics to the song. Do u know them? They're actually quite meaningful- look them up if u can:-)

I think our minds are powerful. They can be full of the bad, or full of hope. I think the latter is the better thought to focus on. Perception is everything. The way you perceive life both good and bad can either make or break us/ propel us forward or leave us singing the same tune, over and over.

One of my ways forward was to talk to many different ppl at lifeline 131114. And I got a lot out of some of the calls. One councillor said I am so sorry u had to go through that. It gave me a lift. So I'll give u my recommendation for when u r feeling totally alone.

Reading other people's threads and responding to some made that feeling for me ease when I first joined. I couldn't b alone if others were in the same boat I was in.

Hope u can find at least one thing to propel you forward. Life doesn't have to be like this for too long.

Hope u can start to let go of things u can't control and focus on recovery one step at a time 🙂

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Jude,

Im just calling in to ask you RUOK? ....No pressure at all......only if you want to......it’s been a few days since you last posted and I’m concerned about you...I really hope your okay...

Love and hugs..💜💜🤗🤗..

Grandy....

[HeyJude]

Hi Grandy

It is nice to come on here and to read that someone cares if I am here or not.....You are a lovely human being. Wish I had someone like you in real life. There is one person I see for coffee now and then, but they have no idea of what I am going through. I have no one to call on in a emergency that cares and it's hard to cope in the world for me because of that. Puts me at risk. Lifeline is there - I rang them once a few years back - they told me to have a cup of tea???? If only it was that simple. I was on the edge, don't think they got it.

It was hopeful to read that you aren't afraid anymore - that would make it bearable. The latter has its hooks in me. Scared of being totally alone which is on the cards. And yes, for you being in a better place to reunite with your family - beautiful my friend. It will happen.

There is no hope for me there, but a slim one with my youngest daughter but very unlikely. She has gotten herself in trouble again and it brought me down further. I wonder how much a person can take. I mourn her, not just that we can't live together but mourn the the loss of the loving good daughter I once had. I still hold some hope but the odds are hugely against me.

I am very isolated and my depression is deepening. My husband goes away this Saturday - could not have picked a worse time. But I won't hold him back. Seems all can get by fine without me - not sure of my purpose for being here, trapped in a world of despair. I am terrified. You being there gives me some comfort. Thank you.

I have been thinking of going back on anti depressants but the side effects stop me. It's moment to moment for now. I hope I can get use to it but shutter of living in this pain. Not going anywhere or connecting with anyone. I am in a bad way.

Hi monkey_magic - thank you for your posts and care. Your words are wise - "the way we perceive life, the good and bad can make or break us". So true - I only see pain now and no future. Not good. Many have sung Hey Jude to me, its uplifting. I really hope life won't remain like this for too long - thank you for your care. It means a lot.

Thank you too Grandy, beautiful lady. It's people like you both that make the world a little less dark. Please don't change - so many do. The world needs more compassion...

Hopefully, once again, I can offer something back. My distress levels are high presently and I cry everyday. I so want to feel some happiness or at least some contentment again as this is torture.