I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

[HeyJude]

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour.

People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected).

I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty.

I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

[HeyJude]

Your post brought tears to my eyes Grandy. Sounds like we have so much in common. Although I have great compassion for others and like them, I do not trust them. I understand you - the horrendous abuse, the betrayals and hurts that leaves those mental scars that prevents us from trusting fully. My trust issues are so bad that I cannot seek medical treatment as I don't trust anyone to touch me. I sometimes can't walk out the door. I would love to live in the bush on acres again away from neighbours, felt more peaceful.

Loving children with everything we have and then just being forgotten is like a hundred daggers through the heart. It leaves lasting scars.

Learning to feel normal and happy everyday is a wonderful goal. Inspiring - I believe you will do it as you connect with people so well. People in real life do like me but I don't have that gift. My husband does.

You are right about alcohol, I am feeling much worse today as a result - and that is usually what can be the final blow. I just felt so desperate. I can't drink anymore I now realise, it did damage all those years ago and doesn't help me. So that coping mechanism is not an option for me now.

I will use the mental health line....thankyou Grandy.

I just want the pain, anger/grief and fear to stop. The anger is the injustices/abuse done to me on a large scale. I thought I was over it but for some reason it has come back to the fore (possibly because of the latest betrayal). I just want it to go, it eats me up and takes all my peace. It's not me. I nearly lost it with my GP who showed such arrogance and lack of understanding. I am sure in his way his intentions were good - he has never suffered (he told me), he would not understand the gravity of our mental agony. I may have to look for another doctor.

I am on a very low dose of pain killer for my back (two tablets) - and he wants me off them because the govt is cracking down on it. He treats everyone like an addict. It was so demeaning, I am not an addict. I am trying to cope. I told him without sleep I would suffer a major breakdown. I tried to explain that I can't walk with my back pain and have to care for my husband and need some pain relief - he said "don't make excuses".

Thank you for letting me talk and for listening...this is really helping me where nothing else seems to. To be understood without judgement. Thank you lovely lady ❤️

Your words give me strength. I do want to find happiness again to, I so hope. Not looking good presently

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely lady,

It sounds like we have so much in common, I don’t leave my house except for Tuesday, only because I have to or I’ll be put into hospital. I cannot trust people, talk face to face with them, but here on these forums I can.

The forums help me so much your helping me as well Jude, just talking to you who understands my trust issues, the feeling of my soul being totally crushed by my children, grandchildren I won’t see grow up, they don’t know me, yet I have so much love for my kids and grandchildren, it’s hurts so badly....I’m really deeply sorry that your also in this situation as well..

Im pleased to hear that you will not drink again..that warms my heart, I wish I could be their with you to help you through your days and nights. Your hurting so hard Lovely Jude and I’m really sorry, because I can see that you have a beautiful and caring heart..l

I so wish I could take your pain away from you, I don’t feel anger, I was taught, groomed the hard way that I was not allowed to have any feeling or emotions. Jude you say your anger eats at you, and that’s it’s not you...Is their a way that when you start to have the anger feeling that you could distract them some how...It’s hard I know because when I’m overwhelmed by my life, I try hard to get out of my head by doing things that I need to fully concerntrate on. It works sometimes but not always, I practised mindfulness as much as I can, I used to do that daily on my veranda, but fear of my neighbour now has made it impossible for me to do that outside, so now I practice inside by washing up...I used to hate washing up but now doing it mindfully helps my mind have a little rest. Have or do you practice mindfulness?

Your Dr sounds uncaring with no compassion at all, he should be helping you with your pain, Jude sweetheart please if you have more drs in your area, maybe try and find another one, you have to find the best gp you can for you, you matter Jude, you deserve the best care you can get and your current gp isn’t giving it to you...

Please be okay Jude, I want you to find some happies, you deserve it so much, and I hope that you also keep striving for it, I care for you Jude and want you o be well, we cannot let our abusers win...No no way, we have to come out on top, we have to be the winners,

Love to you Jude and hugs...💜🤗..

Thank you also for your time and care...together we can find ourselves again, it’s possible, please always believe that..I do..

Grandy..

[HeyJude]

Good morning (just) Grandy. We do have much in common - trust and complex grief. The latter is agony - to lose ones children in traumatic or cold hearted ways. I truly do understand you and considering that I admire your strength and outlook. I am so grateful for your care and understanding towards me - you are very special as such is rare, especially seeing as you are struggling as well.

I did manage to sleep last night as I went back to my normal dose. If I don't I will have a breakdown and be at risk. I am not sure if sleep is important to others with mental health issues - but it is the difference whether I cope or not for me. If I don't get good sleep I just sit, disassociate and stare in a corner. Trapped in my mind basically - I suppose the effects of great trauma. I do need more help.

I have to clean my house today for an open inspection tomorrow and I will try the mindfulness. I use to be able to see and that distraction helped me also - distraction is good. When I am really bad I can't do it as I just can't concentrate or take anything in. But today is a new day, I have slept and will take your advice. Thank you. I will let you know how it goes.

How are you today Grandy. Always thinking of you with fond thoughts, your my link to something good in the world at the moment. I can't tell you how grateful I am for that ❤️

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Jude,

I’m doing okay today thank you for asking...I hope you are doing okay as well....

Jude, yes. sleeping is so very important in our mh...If we can manage to get our sleeping routine into order, ie:- bed at the same time and wake up same time daily, with at least 7+ hours a night..Sleep gives us the strength we need to cope and I believe slows our emotions down a little so we can manage them better....When I’m so overwhelmed that sleep won’t come... I put on a guided meditation, then an instrumental, following it right though listening to only one musical instrument.. My usual go is baby lullabies, they are music box type music, which has the right decibels to calm me...However different things work for different people, Oh Jude, I love the pan flute, another calming instrument in the decibel range that my mind likes...I have spent hours going through different vid clips on YouTube, about depression, mindfulness, meditation music, until I have a few calming vids I go straight to when I’m going into the hypo ventilation stage as well as my grounding box....Maybe you could try and search calming music, guided meditation etc:- until you have a small but effective list to go to, for relaxation and distraction... it’s distracting your negativity while your searching...I have to be careful with radio, tv etc..I only watch game shows or DVDs on the TV, because I alway seem to get triggered and end up crying for days..Unless I know what the film, show, movie is about and I feel safe then I’ll watch it,, but I really prefer to put a DVD on, it’s commercial free..

I get into a mood very rarely, where I just can’t stop cleaning for the day, I think, it’s only me here, what’s the point of cleaning up, I stay mostly in bed or on the lounge...The plus side of living in a small rural village, is no one comes knocking on my door...and if they do, I just keep quiet and they go away, because my dogs bark constantly and most people don’t like the noise of barking dogs, especially when they started them off...so they leave fairly quickly..😁

I hope your cleaning went okay and you managed to do it mindfully, maybe with your favourite song, and you singing out loud while you’re doing your housework...Maybe even a little 💃🏻 dance..

hoping your day went okay....and waiting to hear from you later today/tonight of your thoughts about how today went for you beautiful lady.

Wishing you peace and light in your days..

Love and hugs lovely Jude..💜🤗..

Grandy..

[monkey_magic]

Hi Hey Jude,

I have read parts of your thread today so have an idea of a few things you've been experiencing.

I've been in that really dark, heavy place myself so I can relate to some of what u r feeling- different reasons though.

Drinking to cope- I did that too. In my heart/ mind I thought what do I have left? Was grief stricken at that time too.

Just to get away from what's happening ATM r there interests you could take up to keep u hanging on/ keep u going in life.

For me it was swimming and buying myself things. I kept going to the pools and swimming for hours....in order to get the past far away behind me. It was dark, heavy, uncomfortable, unpleasant and I really didn't want to think about it anymore as I had become a risk to myself if I did.

Would your daughter be open to going to rehab? It sounds like that could really benefit her?

You could borrow books from the library too for people caring for a sick loved one for comfort.

You don't want to take on more than what u can bear in life also as you are not superhuman. We all have a breaking point. Is there any chance of someone coming in to help out once a week for example. This could also provide you with some emotional support/ relief.

It was nice meeting you. Sorry about all the difficulties you've been facing. Be looking forward to hearing from u.

MM 🙂

[HeyJude]

Hello Grandy and monkey_magic - it made my evening to come on here and read your posts. This has been the first opportunity I have had to reply. I can resonate with both your posts so well and now know I am not alone in what I have suffered. I wish no one had to suffer like this - but it eases my anxiety to feel understood. Few do in real life and this is the beauty of these forums. I so appreciate the help, care, advice and support.

Grandy - I love the pan flute too - my favourite is the theme song in "Hanging Rock" - it is hauntingly beautiful. I tried to concentrate on what I was doing with the house cleaning but did have trouble controlling my thoughts, and then I stop and cry, which is a daily happening, but a little less the last few days. I did feel better for focusing on my tasks afterwards towards the evening - not sure if it's suppose to work that way. I will keep at it.

I also like games shows and am selective with what I watch on TV - too much graphic violence or sex triggers me. I like a good feel or funny movie with a story. Something that takes my full concentration. I like listening to soft voices on my iPad which helps relax me at night, but sleep is difficult.

Monkey_magic that is exactly how I was thinking when I drank - "what is left"?", the grief/pain was unbearable...I can't drink now, it makes me so much worse. I use to enjoy cross stitching/beading/embroidery and walking along the beach - I love swimming too. But I am finding nothing comes natural now, I am finding it hard to get out of bed. A normal routine is a mammoth task - I think I will have to force myself and see if that helps.

My daughter won't seek help - the mental health team have tried, we have tried, she rejects it. She won't admit she has a substance abuse problem. This has been going on for 6 years. I have tried everything....She has moved out now and lives close by. I will always be there for her but both of us know she is not safe to live with. Something died in me watching her decline....I now have to learn to live again. Wth all the grief and trauma I have forgotten how. I totally relate to becoming a risk to ourselves when we dwell on that pain, grief, fear; the scars of the past. Doing things to distract seems to be the key - I will push harder to do it. I am frightened......one baby step at a time.

Thank you for helping me through this Grandy and monkey_magic. Please let me know how you are both going today. Your support means more than you know xx 💞

[monkey_magic]

Hi Hey Jude,

You have been and are going through an awful lot so I can understand that a normal routine would be a mammoth task. I remember feeling the same way. U sound like you have the inner resources and tools though to help yourself through.

U r totally spot on when u say doing things to distract seems to be the key and you think u will have to force yourself. I had to force myself. I still do. When our emotions/ mind/ body are trying to cope with so much it takes more effort to do things that used to come so naturally. I still struggle with this. I do still work and exercise though, but I also have a lot of downtime where I'm just laying on the couch reading or watching TV/ movies. I don't know if I'll ever be my old self but it's something I would desperately like to happen.

I sighed with relief when u called the hospital a prison. I feel the same way. I've had experiences with mental health hospitals and the mental health team and it's not what I personally needed at the time. I lost my freedom at the time and it was counter- productive. ( others have had good experiences).

After reading through a lot of your posts you sounded as though u could definitely use some help/ support though. Like it was all too much. I rem feeling exactly the same way and it lasted a long time. By shifting my focus to other things it did get better though...

You are definitely not alone and have a caring heart and I'm sure with support can do things you never thought you could do. You have shown bravery by your life. Caring for your partner and saying you'll always be there for your daughter. That takes guts. You still have the goods 🙂

U graciously asked how I'm going- ahh, I think I'll get there...all my bloods say I'm in good health so that's a positive. No major things going down atm, I go to my pretty cruisy job and the gym and walk around the block, have purposely stayed single for a while now, I'm doing OK.

I really hope u start to feel better 🙂

[Ggrand]

Hello lovey Jude,

I’m very pleased to hear from you. How are you feeling today lovely lady?

I hope you are feeling okay today.....How did the house inspection go today....

Its okay to cry inbetween cleaning, I know it’s hard and exhausting but it does release some negative energy in us.... I do it a lot as cleaning has many horrible memories for me and I have to be careful...I’ve been brought down so many times cleaning...

Magic has written you a very good post and yes she is another lovely that has been through a very hard time...

I think distraction is very hard to do at times when we are so full of anxiety...I’m pleased it worked for you a little while you were cleaning yesterday...Youre doing a good job, The more we can distract ourself which I think is also a bit mindfulness the more easier it gets.. I’ll try anything to distract myself when I feel I’m in need of it..l

Im sorry Jude, I haven’t said about your daughter I’m not sure what to say their because I have no insight to substance abuse, and don’t want to say anything wrong to upset you....

I haven’t heard the pan flute in “Hanging rock”, I will put it on YouTube and have a listen, thank you for letting me know.....

I’m really very sorry Jude that I’m not much help today...but please sweetheart, know that I care about you, you are important to me and you matter....

Sending you love and hugs

Grandy..

[HeyJude]

Hello dear Grandy and monkey_magic - I am so lucky to have such beautiful people give me their time and care.

Monkey_magic - it sounds like you have a good balance of work, some exercise and "you time" reading and watching TV. I am relieved to read you are doing okay. I can understand why you choose to be single for now.

My daughter was in two extremely abusive relationships and just keeps going back - it makes no sense. She is always better when alone, but she can't stand to be (borderline personality disorder). I don't know how this happened, she was so loved - she was my world. I never drank in front of her, I have not drunk for 28 yrs. But now I just crave to escape the reality of this life. I need to be free of this fear, grief and negativity that has me in its grips.

Grandy - you are so brave, you amaze me. My anxiety is getting the better of me and my depression is bad today, my moods all over the place. Felt better last night, feeling shattered today. My husband is good and kind but barely talks to me, I feel so lonely I could die. I am very concerned of bringing you both down, but don't know what I would do if I had no one to express my pain to.

I have lost everything - my children, my independence (agrophobia), one of the few friends I had to cancer (I was with him when he died this year), my volunteer work which gave me some purpose (not my fault, the person in charge went power crazy, long story). My husband is in constant pain. If only I had a child or family member who would ring and cared if I were alive or dead - I think I could make it. I don't know if I can cope with life anymore. I have been brace, caring - but now feel broken. I don't see a future. Just fear.

If I go down the road I have to have a car in case of a major panic attack. I can't go very far and stay local otherwise I panic badly. Grandy you mentioned hyperventilating- that terrifies me. When I am alone that is what I can do. How do you handle it? I have been rushed to hospital before because of it and can't face that again.

I never fully recovered from my breakdown 6 years ago. I did get better and saw better days. But I am relapsing. I tried sewing and doing things today but could feel nothing. I can't feel any joy or contentment. I must hope in time this changes as I have had some traumas, all at once recently. But the awareness of being so alone is overwhelming me. I am so sorry this is not more positive. Thank you for being there. I feel so vulnerable.

[Ggrand]

Dearest lovely Jude,

Please don’t go down that road you’re thinking of, I was close a few weeks ago, I was at our lookout when I rang mental health, The girl I spoke to was so incredibly nice, and so frightened that I would, I couldn’t do it to her, she talked me down.I could imagine how she would have felt for the rest of her life, I owe her so much, please sweetheart, turn your thoughts away from that. Please don’t worry about bringing me down, if I get triggered from posts I can usually handle it, your important and getting to know you is so really nice...I know not the same because no vocal contact but please I consider you a friend.

Oh Jude, I get so overwhelmed with loneliness so much, and yes that’s a reason isn’t it, but if you can try just to try and take note we feel more loneliness when we’re down...I so much understand about having a family member contact you, it’s my eldest sons birthday on the 21st of this month, and my husband’s his dads on the 22nd.. My hubby wanted to be payed to rest over 390 Kilometres from me, that’s where all my kids live...They will be two very deeply lonely days for me.

I understand about your agoraphobia, I can only go out Tuesdays to my volunteer day, sometimes I don’t shop for weeks because of my fear of people, just work and home..

i have hypoventilated to the stage that my arms twisted and locked through over breathing.. twice I’ve gone that far, a nurse told me breath into a paper bag, it’s old school but works..Now I can feel it coming on and was taught a breathing technique to slow my breathing down...I will posted it on Mandy’s thread, I will copy and paste it here for you soon. My last anxiety attack saw me pass out, lucky Betty was having a pot of tea at mine..(elderly friend). she called the ambos.

Jude, even though I don’t have any for so many years, I will continue to look for my joy, my dogs do give me a smile and an occasional laugh with their antics and I like that feeling, I’m not sure but I think happiness only last for that instant then people go back to normals, I really don’t think people are happy for long periods of time, maybe content for long periods.

Jude, please sweetheart hang in there, and please talk here, when you need to release, I’m not a smart person but I will always try to help you as much as I can, because i care about you sweetheart, and you matter to me so much.

Sending you love Hugs lovely Jude...🤗🤗💜.

Grandy..