I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

[HeyJude]

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour.

People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected).

I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty.

I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

[HeyJude]

Thank you lumpyspuds and cdtofi for your heartfelt posts. It really makes a difference to my life. Thank you.

Thank you cdtofi for your heartfelt post. What a special, selfless person you are to want me and others to avoid that lonely, miserable existence. I understand what you mean by negative thoughts.....I have to work through so many mental scars that I am not sure if it's possible to heal for me to be honest. I am not young either, I am 57. My husband is your age and feels there is a good future in front of him. I don't think it is ever too late....

Something happened recently that just seemed to have broken me. And the people who did it have thrived, have wonderful lives....I feel very confused. I thought of myself as a good person but cannot bear to face the day yet alone thrive.

I have been very badly hurt. I know what you mean by crying making you feel sad....I cry everyday and feel just so worn down by it. I don't want to upset you - I want you to be happy and understand if you don't respond or read my posts as aI am in a very dark, painful place. I am so sorry that I can't be more cheerful as the truth is I am very unhappy and life hasn't been kind.

I am not sure if any of us have been here before but I like to think there is something better waiting in the after life....somewhere where I will be hurt no more, with no more tears and to love and be loved. That's my hope and the only thing that keeps me from doing something stupid. I have to have something to look forward to as I don't fit in on planet earth. I could die tomorrow and only my husband would give it a second thought. I am no one and irrelevant and nothing. I don't like myself anymore. I think all the attacks on me have shaped that perception of myself as I would never hurt anyone - I would help if I could. The mental scars are turning in against me and I think it is too late...

I too thought I was a bad mother for how I had been treated by my children - but those who knew me, and even my child herself said I was a good mother. So it's not always our fault when others fail us my friend cdtofi. I think sometimes it would of been much easier to have been a bad, selfish person as then I could justify why my life turned out so wrong. I could of accepted it more. But at least maybe I have something to look forward to in the next one. It is a life sentence for me here. Sending you a warm hug and to all who pass by.

[cdtofi]

Hi again Jude and everyone else,

Thank you for your lovely words to me.

I can just feel as I read from you Jude that we must have been down the same paths. We have so many scars and I am figuring, correct me if I am wrong that they go back as far as your childhood as mine do.

I wonder Jude did you have anyone to protect you, because I didnt. I lived in a male household with my mother and what they said goes.

My brother made up his mind at an early age to blame me for everything that he done so he helped hold me down to be punished, all the time knowing true well that I did not do it. So I was branded a liar, I had no voice, I was never believed.

Then I would travel on bus with my mother so ill all the way as I knew what was going to happen. It was always never seen by anyone other than me and the creep she was related to. I had no-one to turn to as I knew I would be told I was lying and belted if I had opened my mouth.

I was so shy and withdrawn back then that I was really too scared to speak up. All I ever met were disgusting males. I dont believe that later in life anything changed. I was never loved, I never felt loved. I feel I missed out on so much. Yes I feel that I have had a life sentence always. Nothing ever happens in my life.

You sound as if you have a loving family around you, be thankful as you do not have to go through life alone.

I was told lately by someone, that they try to have something to look forward to each coming day, no matter how small. I suppose that's a good thing to do but I can not pluck these things out of my hat.

Some just do not understand, how hard that is to try to do.

Be kind to yourself Jude, appreciate the small things, have a bubble bath, a facial or whatever .

Try to do things to make you feel good about yourself. xx

[HeyJude]

You are right cdtofi - I did suffer horrific childhood abuse at the hands of my mother. There was an attempt on my life which was prevented by my father's intervention. He was not home a lot so no, I was not protected most of the time. A lot more abuse occurred that I won't go into detail about; I have also lost recollection of many years of my youth and as a young adult as a result.

I felt a shudder when I read what you went through. I can imagine your fear, and probably your anger about it years ago. I use to feel the latter when young but thankfully I learned to let it go.

I know how demeaning it feels to be treated that way and how it can leave us feeling little value for ourselves. That's how it effected me in the past and I suffered alcoholism when young. Gave up for my children. My siblings were abused too, my brother suffers paranoid schizophrenia as a result.

You have good insight cdtofi- when I am in that dark place I feel alone but you are right - I am not entirely alone. My husband has ill health and can't always be there but he does love me. In fact, his is the only real love I have known. And that I am so thankful for. You opened my eyes to that and it has helped me. Thank you. You are wise.

The more I read your posts the more I like you. Many would out there in the real world too, but I understand when we are depressed, have been hurt we don't risk putting ourselves out there lacking motivation, so it becomes a catch twenty two to find love.....I met my second husband at a social dance twenty four years ago. If he did not pursue me I would not have tried......Lucky for me he did as I never pursue relations with others as often I am too low or stressed.

My daughter treats me bad, is very deceptive and has gone off the straight and narrow which hurts me a lot, but am hopeful that may change one day. I am estranged from my three other children as my first husband poisoned their minds against me, and the grief of this nearly destroyed me. But I have moved on from that now as it has been fifteen years since I saw them..... I thought I did with my childhood too but maybe it's deep down there somewhere.......I feel my pain stems from great hurt, trauma and grief. I am not sure but it's bad at the moment.

Your posts are easing my pain. Thank you for your kind support. You are very special and people can be blind to that inner beauty. Their loss. Have a wonderful day as you deserve nice things. I look forward to chatting with you again anytime x

[HeyJude]

My daughter in going in and out of a relationship with an abusive ice addict. He is dangerous. She is unstable suffering borderline personality disorder. She tries to keep away from him. He keeps pressuring her to go back. She is easily exploitable due to her mental issues. When she goes back he abuses her and pressures her into doing things.....She then snaps and gets into trouble with the law. He got a restraining order against her when she snapped in rage. Yet he is the abusive one, she is fragile.

She told the mental health team her mind goes then, that it goes pop, and she is not there any more. They said to keep away, she blocks him and tries but he harasses her and talk her back into his life. I don't know where her personal responsibility begins here, but she definitely has dismissed responsibility, he keeps harassing her to go back to him. He told her if she leaves he would ring the police and says she has breached the AVO.

I just don't know how to deal with this, how to stop worrying. Also my husband is very ill, has cancer and lung problems. Together with all this I am cleaning a very large house every week as it is on the market to sell. My back goes from the strain and I am in agony. My friend just lost her husband and I am trying to be there for her also.

I don't know how to cope with all the emotional strain, responsibility, grief, fear and worry. I have no one to talk with about this. I couldn't adequately express this verbally before on this thread as I am so overwhelmed and my mind has a way of blocking things and leaving me numb. Finally I can get it out here. Where do I go to for help with this?. The writing is on the wall that there is high potential for a tragedy waiting to happen. It's like waiting on death row, the writing is on the wall. I am finding it so hard to cope mentally and emotionally with that I don't want to get up and face another day. I don't know how to stop Constantine worrying and my mental health is adversely effected. My physical health is suffering badly so. I have no family support and my friend is grieving so cannot burden her. Any Advise kindly appreciated.

[HeyJude]

I have tried to reach out for support here as these forums have encouraged, but seeing no response was forthcoming.....it kinda makes you realise there is no real support out there at all really and why people could just give up.. Doctors can't help me - they seem to be clueless on the area of mental health. Can't afford a counsellor or psychiatrist as all our funds have gone into our new home. So it leaves me with no alternative but to drink to cope. No person on this earth could endure what I am going through so if I can't get help what's else do I do

 "God imagine how I feel", where do people like me go for help? I fInd it very awkward and hard to express myself over the phone with a counsellor - maybe it's something I will have to work up towards. But can't right now. I can do with some peer support. I have slipped back to using alcohol as a means to cope because of the lack of it and my depression is spiralling out of control.

[Sophie_M]

Hi HeyJude,

We are sorry to hear that you feel like there is no support for you and cannot imagine the pain you’re experiencing at the moment. Please know there’s always somewhere to turn to in dark times like this. Our online community is here to listen and support you through this difficult time.

If you feel unable to reach out for support via phone we’d suggest contacting Lifeline's Crisis Supporters via text message who are there to listen and keep you safe.

Lifeline Text is a trial service. To access the service, text 0477 13 11 14 (available between 6.00pm - 10.00pm (AEDT), 7 days a week).

Keep reaching out and checking in with us to let us know how you are going when you feel up to it.

[Ggrand]

Hello Heyjude,

Im really very sorry that I haven’t visited you here, I have been struggling so much and haven’t been really been properly supporting anyone for a few weeks, I feel bad and I’m sorry...

Please Heyjude, I rang Mental Health Line 1800 011 511...when I was at a stage I wanted out, I had no help from professionals, When they answered I didn’t know what to say, I said I’m sorry but it’s okay, they prompted me in a way my tears fell and I started to talk, believe me they are so good, they even got a psychologist to ring me back after a few days that was free and I made an appointment and I’m still getting professional help...please can you try to ring them, don’t think about doing it, just pick up the phone, ring them and they will help you to relax and talk to them...

My life I also feel is a life sentence but I will try my hardest to change that around for me..I haven’t seen my children now for a long time and don’t think I ever will but I will still continue to try...I have only me and no one else except here, and again sweetheart, I’m really sorry I haven’t visited you...I read your last few posts and feel a little ashamed because I had talked to you earlier..

Please stay safe and continue reaching out here, and wherever your able to, your important Heyjude,

I will keep an eye out on your thread and be here for you as much as I’m able to....I do care Heyjude..When you’re feeling up to it, please try to ring that number, for you...They do care and will help...

Lots of caring thoughts and hugs,

Grandy..

[HeyJude]

Hi Grandy - thank you so much for your post. It helps. I needed to hear from someone today as I am drowning in that black hole. I can't function normally. Sorry to read that you have been struggling as well. I hope all is okay now.

I am getting quite bad. I haven't touched alcohol for over 20 yrs (recovered alcoholic), and can't believe that after all this time it has come to this again. But just can't seem to get any support at all or anyone to talk to. I will try the mental health line.....as long as they don't put me in prison (hospital). That is how I see the latter. Scares me from ringing. And I get tongue tied.

Once again a relevant person in my life, someone I should of been able to trust with my life, did a terrible injustice to myself and husband - and that threw me down further.

My daughter also lashed out at me violently and I was at risk from her. She has moved out today. I lost all my children, lost everyone except my husband and I still don't understand why. I have always been loving. Am I that insignificant? Sometimes I just can't see the point.

I was sorry to read that you are alone and your children so far away. But you inspire me greatly - I have my husband but can feel lonely. When he is in hospital I am alone. If he dies I wil be totally alone. Reading your story and caring words gives me hope. As if the latter goes for me so do I - as I am so close to it. I cry every single day Grandy. I have had so much trauma. I just feel so empty - dead inside. Numb.

Another trigger was when I saw my GP for a repeat script of sleeping meds (the only meds I am on) and for some reason, after 3 years "he is lecturing me like an addict". I am sensible. I came off a lot of other psych drugs because I did not like the side effects on my own accord - he knows that. When I told him of the latest trauma, PTSD symptoms, and how I can't walk sometimes because of backpain he snapped "don't make excuses". My top nearly boiled. I told him that he would not last one day with the pyschical and mental pain I carry - he did not disagree with that. So that pushed me somewhat over the edge.. If I can't get help off the professionals (who are clueless) I may have to self medicate. Which is something I don't think wise but what do I do? My pain is becoming unbearable. I will try and ring or text as there is just no help out there and I can see why our suicide rate is so high.

Thank you Grandy. Your support means so much to me ❤️

[Ggrand]

Hello Heyjude,

Thank you for talking, the mental health line, I rang I think it was 3 weeks ago now, from a lookout, I was down so far, I rang them and said told them it’s okay, it doesn’t matter, she talked to me so kindly, I’ve rang them a few times..I told her where I was and my intentions, she asked me if I wanted an ambulance I said no, she knew exactly my location, but I said no and she respected that, we talked for nearly 2 hours, nd she talked me down...Please Heyjude I would never ever recommend something I don’t use, they are helpful, caring and respectful of our wishes, they won’t put you in hospital...

I am sorry that someone you trusted done that to you, my trust of people has been shattered so now I have 1 elderly lady I see every so often, I consider her my friend but I cannot trust her...I have been hurt to many times...

Like you Lee, I never hurt anyone I’m a compulsive carer to people, but wow I have a bad and hurtful life...I have been on my own now for 5 years, but I still carry so much hurt and pain from my past and I’m not young, I’m early 60s, I’m trying really hard to have a chance to have some happies in my life, I want to experience what it’s like on a daily basis, I hope that you will keep trying to search for some happiness as well....You deserve it so much...

It’s so very hard, isn’t it when we give our children all of our love, time and effort, then boom, they don’t want us anymore, I lost mine because I was and unfortunately a very timid person who can’t stand up for me..I feel it’s my fault my kids don’t want me....I keep trying but I just don’t know....

Your dr doesn’t sound very caring, is there another dr that you could go to..a more caring dr,?...Do you have good pain relief for your physical pain?

Jude, sweetheart, keep talking here for some release, I’m not a good suggestion giver but I care about you and I’m a good listener.

I have never been a drinker, I have tried it to numb my pain, but I feel the next day I’m deeper into my volcano, so I don’t anymore, this may sound silly, ut when I go to bed I go to YouTube and listen to baby lullabies, the soft gentle music soon puts me to sleep..maybe give that a try tonight..

I really do hope that tonight you sleep a restful sleep and tomorrow is better then today...

Sending my love and big hugs to you Jude..💜💜🤗🤗

Grandy..

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Jude,

Im just doing a check in to see how your doing and ask you...RUOK?...

Im just sitting quietly with you sweetheart holding tightly onto your hand..just giving it a gentle squeeze every so often to let you know I care about you...please be okay...

Sending you some love and hugs dear Jude...

Grandy..