I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

[HeyJude]

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour.

People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected).

I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty.

I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

[stormcloudz]

HeyJude, I'm worried about you and hope that you are OK. Just letting you know that I am checking your thread regularly. I know things are hard.

[Ggrand]

Hello Hey Jude,,

If it’s okay darling, I’m just tagging so I can read through your thread and try to support you if I can...

Love sand hugs...💚🤗.

Grandy

[Ggrand]

Hello HeyJude,

Im calling in to say hello and let you know that you are very cared for here by me and others..I have read your thread and I’m really very sorry that you have gone through so much..

I hope your okay...We can beat this Jude, we have to be able to get on top of Beasty, I done a lot of research on depression and it all come back to, depression is our thoughts, when you start having unhealthy or negative thoughts, Lovely Jude if you can try to divert your thoughts onto something pleasant, something that made you happy before you got depression..it’s not easy but I know you can do it...or distraction....doing something that you like to do...

Please Jude, just never ever forget that you are a beautiful person, Lee and you have been hurt really badly, and like me Lee, we cannot let them win...we have to be the winners , we can be the winners, we can find some peace, it’s inside us, our hope is our peace, Jude sweetheart, it just hides sometimes, but we can find it and start using hope to get us back on top....and get us our peace..

Thinking of you HeyJude,

I hope you sleep well tonight and tomorrow is a better day then today was...

Love and hugs..

Grandy..

[HeyJude]

Hello stormcloudz and Grandy,

Thank you for thinking of me and for your care and support. It's eases the pain.

I am in a very dark place. A close friend just passed away from cancer. My daughter has had a relapse and my husband is very ill. I have also been under a lot of strain with the selling of our home. I am physically run down. I have no support.

Its true Grandy - I have so hurt. I think beyond repair. You lovely people restore my faith in goodness; apart from you here, I trust no one. To the point I can't even go to any medical appt, health care or anywhere I may be vulnerable to others. I try to ring helplines at times but that fear and lack of trust stops me. I feel safer conversing here. If I didn't by nessecity have to step out the house ocassionally - I would be a total hermit by choice. It really isn't living and I am in such a rut. So alone.....

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know myself anymore - I have no zest, feel numb and dead on the inside. I don't feel human. I can't feel any joy. I have no self worth. It's frightening. I can't see a bright future.

I am having nightmares every night. I wake up with panic attacks. I can't cope with life. I don't know what to do, pain is all around and it's swallowing me up.

[therising]

Hi HeyJude

How deeply I wish I was able to reach in and take you out of your depression. Instead, I shall send to you some light, which is my love. All the while I pray for miracles to come your way and for a single one to be so bright that it leads you out of the darkness.

[cdtofi]

Hi This is my first post.

I was really wondering if I should, but after reading from you Jude and Lici, you made up my mind.

I cried after reading for both of you as I am now, writing this. We are so much alike, we have both experienced a lot of the same. Just to know that there are at least 2 others out there that can understand my pain is a great help to me.

I am stuck and I am just going thru the motions every day. I am still in my PJ's atm. I just dont want to get dressed. Why? I have noone that will visit me. I have no friends. I can not attract them as I trust no-one. Stranger danger.

My 2 dogs keep me alive but sometimes I wish that someone would come and want to take them home with them and if I know that they will be well cared for, then I wouldn't have to be in this miserable life that others seem to enjoy. So why dont I?

All I have ever known growing up was all types of abuse. Emotional, physical, sexual from mainly disgusting family. Then so many rapes. I still feel disgusting, I have no self worth.I had 2 husbands but neither of the marriages worked as I was too mixed up still. But at least now my thoughts are not going 24/7 as they use to.

I have a daughter that I moved overseas to be near. When I get here she has changed her mind and she had no time 4 me. I am too different but she is not interested in me talking to her, she is not interested in me talking to her about anything. But her friends she has plenty of time for. As she doesn't talk to me my grandchildren are not interested in talking to me either. What they learn they do.So I moved away from her as she had no interest in me. So now I am back where I was born.

I have no friends. I have no interest in life. I have had a Psychologist and I have had many counsellors but I can not feel any better about myself. I am such a negative person and I am no fun to be around.

I would just love to have 1 friend but it doesn't happen as the only place I go is to walk my dogs, sometimes. People just do not want to be near me, there must be a reason but I do not know what it is. I am hard work I guess.

Jude I also feel when someone dies "Why wasn't it me". They were probably nice people with lovely family and friends and they still deserve to be alive.

Well I really don't know what else to write but Thank you for letting me vent on this sight. I will be back, I hope.

[HeyJude]

Good morning the rising - your post brought tears to my eyes. I so hope for that miracle - how beautiful would that be. I wish it for others on here to, such as cdtofi. What a beautiful person you are to wish that for me - I felt that uplifting force. Thank you.

It was so nice to read a post from you cdtofi and to meet you. What you felt about when someone die is "exactly what I actually felt and said". You will see that if you read back on this post. I understand where you are coming from - being that alone and low in isolation is a terrible thing. Feeling for you.

I too am in my pjs. I am in such a rut. But I must attend to my husband soon. My daughter is in a serious situation and the weight of everything in pushing me further down. I hope to get the "break" to fight this place I am in. Perhaps we can do that together? Feeling much the same I may not be able to help you as much as I would like - but I offer my hand in friendship. You are not alone. So you have one friend now.

Pets give such unconditional love and the strength of that can keep us going. I had an indoor cat that offered that, but she is my daughter's and she will be taking her when she moves. And hence the void grows bigger. I have my volunteer work which I am struggling to hold down because of the load I am under, but that has helped me connect with others which also helped them. That was a good experience.

Good friends are hard to find. I have formed some deep friendships in the past but such need nurturing to survive - difficult when I hermitise or become very low.

I find it hard even to go out for a walk - I have to force it. I am in a real bad way. I do so want my zest for life back. One day at a time while I keep searching for those small miracles. Wouldn't it be nice for us to taste a small one? Hope is a good feeling........Sitting with you cdtofi in care and understanding. Post whenever you want. If I don't answer straight away that's because of what is happening in my life preventing me. But I will eventually post x

[lumpyspuds]

Hello there Jude

I don't really have much to say except, I am sending kind thoughts your way. I hope the coffee is hot, your blanket warm, and the sun shining over your head. I know that some days it's the very small things that help us get from moment to moment.

I am thinking of you Jude. 🙂

[cdtofi]

Hi Jude

Thank you for thinking of me. I am not young I am 65 just. I have had a lifetime of misery. Not knowing how to change. I do not want that for you Jude or for others. It is just wasting your life away. I hope for everyone to try to be happy. I was stuck in a dark tunnel for most of my life. Please don't be like I was.

I do know now that it is our thoughts that give us depression. I am such a negative person. My eyes are open now, where were they years ago when I needed to change. I think I am too old now as I do not believe I have a lot of years left, but I am really in the best place I have ever been. (Why now it's a little late I think).

Yes I have trouble getting up and moving and forcing myself to walk my poor little dogs. I feel so sorry for them that they got stuck with me. I have never been much of a mother,( so I am led to believe to Human) or Animal.

My daughter would not treat me the way that she does for no reason I guess.

So Jude and everyone on here I am sending to you all Rays of Sunshine. I hope that they brighten today for you and every day after.

If you do not feel as if you can get out of what you are in, try to think of me, the one that wasted her life because she was so miserable. Please try to pick yourselves up and do not end up like me. Lonely and miserable.

I always say that if I was here before (which some people do believe) that that person must have been such a bad person, why did they pick on me.

Try everyone to have a great night

Sending warm hugs everyones way. XX

[cdtofi]

I have just read a few posts.

I just can not stop crying. To think that there is so much hurt out there. I wish that I could wrap my arms around you all.

I am so sorry for all your pain

Just know that you are all loved by someone, you may not think you are but you are.

I have to go dry my eyes. I am not sure if I can get on here reading. I am a very emotional person and crying would just keep making me feeling sad all the time.

Bug Hugs to you all XX