I don't know what to say

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I don't really know what to say.

I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.

You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.

I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark.

Steady drums

He cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,
Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,
Who condemn his long unrelenting fall
Into cold black dreams where his demons fly.

Day brings back the spindly claws
Of imps that crawl from beneath his bed;
they hook like leeches into all his flaws
and drink through fangs until they are fed.

Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow bold
And spin bloody chambers around his heart
Which beats like a drum dressed in gold,
Sold to the devil who will never depart.

The chambers burst and hellhounds are loose
They rage inside and reek abuse.
The drums beat louder and echo in his head
They rupture his veins until he is bled.

He is only a man with a dying light,
A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,
“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,
“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.

And yet while the flame can still flicker,
And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,
The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,
Until he is safe from this strife.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

James, if you're anything like me, exhaustion can make the negativity set in a lot worse. It's okay to pace yourself, you've been doing a lot toward improving your life and there's no shame in taking a break to reflect on what you've done and recharge the batteries.

I think you did a good thing cutting the cord with your ex. A situation that's stringing you along with false hope isn't good for you and hampers your ability to move forward and be happy. I know how hard it was to do what you did, and I'm proud of you for finding the strength to do that, and having the grace to do it amicably. You absolutely deserve to have new friends and happiness and the Dr Dolittle house full of animals you have wished for. You don't have to do it all at once, one little step at a time, and remember you're not on your own.

Blue.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi James,

Well done you for making plans. I hope you get a good rest this weekend. Maybe have some distractions handy in case you feel yourself slipping.

You are very much worthy of friendship, love, happiness and all that goes with it.

Here's a big hug for you.

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

The emotional roller coaster ride sounds rough. It must be hard to feel so uncentred- maybe it feels as though it's hard to find solid grounding and you're being thrown from pole to pole.

Credit to you for putting yourself out there. I think you have a lot to offer as a person and anyone would be lucky to call you their friend.

Rest sounds good. Maybe just one step at a time. I know that's so cliched but cliches are okay sometimes, I think.

You know, I think it can be really difficult but sometimes sitting with your feelings can be a huge part of the healing process. My psychologist used to always tell me "just sit with it (it being an unpleasant/difficult/painful feeling)."

Big hug,

Dottie x

[Emmy.]

Hi James. Sorry to hear you were awoken by an unwanted dream - they're the worst. The world is so still and quiet at 3am in the morning. All that you're left with is your thoughts. Well done realising that you couldn't wait until Sunday to hear from your ex - taking control hun, this is good! Did she reply at all? I like your analogy about the band-aid. So very accurate! Just remember it may take a while for the wound to heal but give it time and it will. Also once healed if there is a scar that'll slowly fade too.

Choosing one of the four events sounds like a good plan. Don't want to overwhelm yourself and then go to nothing. But if you do decide to try and go to a few more my psychologist always gives me a good tip when I'm anxious about going somewhere. She's calls it the "10 minute rule". Go for at least 10 minutes and then reassess things, you might find you want to leave, you might think I've gone to all this effort to leave the house I'll stay or you might not even notice that the 10minutes has passed. Gosh am I rambling? Sorry.

Glad you're giving the Emmy teddy lots of hugs. Hey did you ever find yourself a toy? (Other than the teddy of course).

Chat tomorrow hopefully. Thinking of you. Emmy x

[james1]

Okay I'm angry after meeting this psychiatrist. Felt like this a bit talking to some other people as well but now it's just boiled over.

Feels like they psychiatrist was trying to convince me that I'm a "normal" person going through depression. Sure, that'd be great, except that it doesn't feel "normal" to be so self-sacrificing to avoid being lonely, so self-destructive when lashing out, create so many different identities for different people, swing between hating and needing myself/others, lose $10000 gambling in a night and being so empty almost all the time. If my life so far has been "normal" and I'm just dealing with depression right now, I don't want this.

Apparently, because I can run a half marathon and use humour to deal with the stressors in my life, and I've not caused myself any significant injury, I'm doing relatively okay and I can stick with my low dosage of meds.

Well stuff you too. I'm really good at spite. Just watch me dig myself back into that hole because I will bloody well do it to spite and guilt everyone who's been mean, not understanding, rude, racist, and all other things that make me feel like crap. Yes, I'm emotionally manipulative. Let me show you just how bad I can be.

I'm sorry. You guys are good and nice and shouldn't have to put up with this/me. I'm at work but I'd much rather be in a gym smashing a punching bag. Perhaps it's time to get into boxing like I keep planning to.

[lookingforme]

James, oh, you're on the same road as me. It angers me what has been said to you. Blasted psychiatrists. Mine put on my prescription that I was in remission, he never told me, and what has he been hearing that he thinks that?

I feel the same as you. Satisfaction in self destruction.

I can't tell you anything useful other than I am there with you, and I am here for you.

[Emmy.]

Oh James I'm so sorry that today was so upsetting for you.

First of all I want to give a big hug.

Can I suggest that you see your GP and get a referral to another psychiatrist-you need to be comfortable with them. This is your journey James, you set the rules and say what you want. If you're not happy please try to see another psychiatrist don't dig that hole and hide away.

The psychiatrist really needs to listen to you though. He (may think you're "normal" - which is a good sign that he's saying this James - try to see the positive) BUT you're not "normal" to you and this he needs to take on board. Does this make sense at all?

This doesn't excuse what's happened today for you but can I just tell you that my psychiatrist is SO different to my psychologist. My psychiatrist is more about facts & diagnosis, medication and decisions around if I need hospitalisation - straight to the point and there's no getting away with much with him. He can tell if I'm saying things to try and please him. Not that you've done this today but just telling you my experience. Whereas my psychologist helps with the day to day stuff. I do find I'm getting much more out of seeing my psychiatrist so that's why I'm suggesting that you really need to find the right psychiatrist for you. It can really open up so much for you. Like with your experience at the hospital with the psychiatrist there. Have you got an appointment to see your GP soon (or even your psychologist?)

Here for you. I'm worried about how angry you seem. Please reply. Emmy xx

[Emmy.]

sorry I hope my message doesn't sound rude or bossy. Reading it back I think it does.

[Emmy.]

Can I ask how you thought today would go? Were you hoping for some answers? so sad for you that it wasn't a good experience 😞

xxxxxxx

[james1]

Hey Joelle, I'll reply at some point in our other thread.

Hey Emmy, I'm digging a hole because they tell me I'm not in a hole or at least that's what it sounds to me, and I hate it. I don't want to go back to non-depressed me. It sucks being him. But apparently he's normal, just a little bit sad.

I am SO angry.

I'm sorry. I need to be quiet. I don't want to spread my negativity. But adsfegfahd!!!