I don't know what to say

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I don't really know what to say.

I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.

You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.

I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark.

Steady drums

He cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,
Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,
Who condemn his long unrelenting fall
Into cold black dreams where his demons fly.

Day brings back the spindly claws
Of imps that crawl from beneath his bed;
they hook like leeches into all his flaws
and drink through fangs until they are fed.

Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow bold
And spin bloody chambers around his heart
Which beats like a drum dressed in gold,
Sold to the devil who will never depart.

The chambers burst and hellhounds are loose
They rage inside and reek abuse.
The drums beat louder and echo in his head
They rupture his veins until he is bled.

He is only a man with a dying light,
A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,
“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,
“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.

And yet while the flame can still flicker,
And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,
The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,
Until he is safe from this strife.

[Emmy.]

Let us know how your session goes today.

Sorry my messages seem to be taking a while to come through.

I like that you have a little sliver of hope - it's a start hun. I like what you're hoping for too! My hope is to one day live in Dorrigo in a tiny house. Got to hold onto these hopes I think. Not much else to.

youll find a partner again hun, you're such a top guy. Sweet, sensitive, fun, good looking (if you don't mind me saying). Sometimes things happen when you least expect it though ...your princess is out there though.

Were things any better this morning with your Mum?

Thinking of you James. Emmy x

[james1]

So I had my session today. It was okay.

I talked about the increasingly disturbing thoughts I'd been having, the self-hatred that keeps popping up, the trouble with mum, and the situation with my ex.

The short of it is she actually thought I'd been doing pretty well in terms of my strategies to keep going. I know I should celebrate, but all I can do is list them: I've been messaging friends more, I went to the AFL with two friends, I've been posting here again, I've tried to regulate my sleep and I try to keep active.

So even though I hadn't done the actual exercises she wanted me to do, I'd been getting through by doing other stuff instead, just because the situation called for it.

The next week and a half will probably be a tough one. The one thing she wanted me to focus on was to put an end to the confusion I have about the situation with my ex. It's been just under 4 months now and, even if my ex still doesn't know what she wants, it's time for me to give myself the space to move on. I'd been using it as a hope and excuse to keep on going, but that excuse has run its course and I've got enough of a support structure to tackle this last outstanding thing.

So I've sent my ex an email asking to just have a chat so we're both clear on what is happening, and for her to let me know before the end of the weekend if she is okay to speak. I don't think she'll respond, in which case Sunday will be when I cut that last cord in my own mind.

I don't think I could have handled it earlier and I'm in a better position now, even though I actually feel worse, but I hope I can handle it. At least I'll have the psychiatrist appointment on Monday right after. Just bitterly disappointed that something good came to an end because of my family troubles, completely separate from the relationship itself.

Oh well. Life goes on right?

Hey Emmy, mum was talking which was a positive. But these things linger and just foul up the atmosphere at home. It just doesn't feel comfortable unfortunately. Thanks, thinking of you too - you'll be going home today/tomorrow right? 🙂

James

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

Just wanted to swing by to see how you're going. I'm sorry so much has happened. I'm a little wiped at the moment so this is kind of short (sorry). Just sending you love and support. And I agree with Emmy that you're a top guy. Hang in there.

Dottie x

[CMF]

Hi James,

I haven't read through all of your thread but a comment resonated with me;

I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

Could it be that as we try to climb up the mountain we set our sights too high? Should we set smaller targets, bit by bit, baby steps. When we feel a little better are we expecting to much of ourselves, trying to take on too much and therefore if/when we fall again the fall is a big one as our expectations of ourselves was high?

Just thinking out loud.

cmf

[james1]

Hey Dottie - thanks for posting here. I know you're struggling a bit and you've got your assignments and all that. Best of luck. Thank you.

Hey cmf - thanks for posting on my thread. I definitely do set expectations too high for myself. My psychologist says it's part of me taking on my own parents' voices and I try not to, but I realise I do it with everything. You're absolutely right though. Each fall is huge because I set up the expectation so high, and baby steps don't really sit well with me because then I feel like I'm not doing anything.

So on a related note, since posting a few hours ago, I've managed to start hating myself yet again and deciding that I'll be forever lonely single and friendless. I don't know how this happens. I had a brief 30 minutes of deciding I'd join up to clubs to make new friends and now this. I think I've had too much in these couple of days.

Sorry, I had to post that. It's actually the first time in a while that I've felt sad. Most times I feel empty or angry. Sadness isn't something I've felt in a good month at least.

At least I'll have all my emotions running at full speed and pushing me along on Sunday. At this rate, I'll win the race on emotions alone. Hah.

[Emmy.]

James are you online? Hopefully not which means you're fast asleep but if you are do you want to chat?? Sorry to hear you're feeling so sad. It's a funny thing how quickly emotions can change so quickly but...the thing is...it can quickly change back to happiness too. We have to look out for those moments of happiness and hold onto them.

Regarding meeting new friends why not set the goal smaller, rather than joining all the clubs how about just one and go from there.

Do you think your feelings have to do with sending that email to your ex. It must have been hard to do but i think it'll be good for you to not be in that limbo any more with thoughts of "what ifs"... You've laid it all out to her - you can't do anymore than that hun and I'm so proud of you for doing that - be proud of yourself that's a big achievement.

Keep counting the positives James, like the AFL with your friends, messaging friends and reconnecting on here. Keep doing that!!

QUOTE: "The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind."

Here if you want to chat. Sorry for a long post. I was prob rambling ...

Hows your big teddy? Give him a big hug. Emmy xx

[james1]

Hey emmy

I woke up at three after having a dream that was not welcome. It made me realise I needed to cut that cord with my ex now rather than Sunday, so I sent a nice text to that effect and wishing her the best. It was horrible to write but the right thing to do.

Haha I didn't realise I as still doing my all or nothing by trying to join heaps of things. Nice spot. I ended up logging on to meetup and joining some book clubs, some support groups and some outdoors groups. I seem to have landed with four events in one week the week after next. We'll see how many I actually attend but I'll try to get to one at least.

Yeah. It was a band aid I put on to stem the flow of hopelessness so it hurt to rip it off. But it's completely off now and thankfully has healed halfway under the bandaid so I just have to let it fully heal out in the open and not pick at it too much. I hope that analogy makes sense. I seem to talk in analogies.

Yes, I've been hugging emmy-teddy a lot to help me. She's good company 🙂

I read that you're home now. Really glad and proud of you. It sounds like there were lots of highlights to remember.

James

[Starwolf]

And I won't be the only one to be incredibly proud of you ...a standing ovation to you, James !

Well done for cutting loose from a past that has no future. And also for taking a proactive approach to getting back into present Life. Not being able to tick off all the to do things on your list is OK but making a list shows you are willing to reach for the stars. You so deserve to catch a few...

James, reading your post made my day. Thank you !

[CMF]

hi James,

well I had posted a reply but it hasn't shown up 😞

hope you are doing ok

cmf

[james1]

Thank you starwolf and cmf.

Today's been a real rollercoaster at work. Going from feeling like I deserve a chance at happiness and meeting new people and making new friends, to feeling useless, unloveable, unlikeable and undeserving, then right back again.

I'm trying to focus instead on what I'm doing which is putting myself out there and trying to make new friends. These feelings will probably keep backflipping and I will probably keep landing in this hole, but hopefully I get better at climbing back out.

And now I'm remembering that this is just one of many problems and that's a bit deflating.

Thank you cmf, starwolf, dottie, emmy, carol, dizzy, blue and everyone else who's read my thread this week.

I think I've done all I can this week and just exhausted myself. I will try to rest over the weekend and next week hopefully be able to carry out some of the plans I tried to make.

Now I just need to make sure I don't fall into my dissociation trap. Bring on the sadness, haha.