I don't know what to say

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I don't really know what to say.

I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.

You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.

I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark.

Steady drums

He cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,
Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,
Who condemn his long unrelenting fall
Into cold black dreams where his demons fly.

Day brings back the spindly claws
Of imps that crawl from beneath his bed;
they hook like leeches into all his flaws
and drink through fangs until they are fed.

Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow bold
And spin bloody chambers around his heart
Which beats like a drum dressed in gold,
Sold to the devil who will never depart.

The chambers burst and hellhounds are loose
They rage inside and reek abuse.
The drums beat louder and echo in his head
They rupture his veins until he is bled.

He is only a man with a dying light,
A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,
“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,
“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.

And yet while the flame can still flicker,
And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,
The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,
Until he is safe from this strife.

[james1]

Hey Carol,

I like that idea. It will keep changing day by day just because I change my mind about what I like and want to do on an almost daily basis, but since I'll have all these clean new walls when I finally move out, there'll be lots of room to make big walls of me.

No, no, I'm not tired of your advice. It's just my classic fear of abandonment kicking in. Stupid, I know, but I get really anxious that people including here will stop wanting to talk to me and then I panic and I lose myself in trying to be what I think they want me to be. Then I get angry. So exhausting!

Sorry, I know it doesn't make much/any sense since nobody's given any indication of even disliking me but it's all in my head and I need to keep seeing my psychologist 😞 It just sucks recognising that I do it so often without any indication, and I don't even notice until I've done it.

My psychologist gave me a logbook to record these things to try and recognise how often I do it, and what I should have thought instead. I'm meant to see the positive in now being able to recognise it at all, but depression puts its foot in the door and says, "nah, that's not a positive...you're just crazy."

Sorry about such a non-positive story in the morning. Here's a better story: I went to bed on time last night! hurray me!

James

[Starwolf]

Hi James, good morning to you.

If there is a space where the illogical nature of mental conditions makes perfect sense to all...it is here at BB !

Here you are appreciated for who/what you are and because you find the courage of being just that. That's unconditional love. It has nothing to do with "liking" somebody. Betraying our selves to gain approval only gives us cheap popularity, an illusion that inevitably falls apart at the first hurdle. You deserve much better.

Acceptance of who we are doesn't exclude improvement. Striving to become closer to OUR ideal notion of ourselves is also part of who we are.

Self judgment doesn't help...it gets in the way. Good or bad, we all have a raw material to deal with. Raging against it, throwing clay against the walls, so to speak, is not creative. Shaping it can become an artwork...YOUR creation, not a "commercial" enterprise to satisfy would be customers.

Thank you for the help and support you are providing in these forums. It is much appreciated.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi James,

Star has a beautiful way of providing advice and it is always very wise.

It took me a long time to stop putting on a facade for everyone. After both my parents passed I didn't have the energy anymore. I lost a few friends but all the real friends were still there for me. I remember later on losing a friend because I said no to going to a particular show with my reason being "it's just not for me". She couldn't accept that I would opt out when everyone else was going.

I still have some facades, but they don't change who I am and I no longer agree to doing things I don't enjoy or that are against my principals.

I understand about changing likes daily. However I am confident there will be things that are already decided that you are unlikely to change you just need to find them. An example for me is I love painting. It has been 11 years now since I have been able to paint properly for myself but it inherently part of me. Another is that I prefer being in the bush/forest/mountains over a beach holiday. I do like the beach but it is always a pain because I burn so easily.

It takes a while for ADs to work. Hopefully when they do it will be easier to find some positives.

I'm not leaving. I plan to still be here after I am healed.

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

Hey, you don't have to be positive or not positive or anything. What you feel is what you feel- and it's okay with us here.

I know you're still figuring out a lot about yourself. Well, why don't you take a chance on us? When- and I realise it will take time- you figure out "you", maybe show us snippets of that person? You might be surprised that people here (and elsewhere) are more receptive to you- whoever you decide that is- than you might think.

Dottie

[james1]

I'm sorry I'm not good at receiving and implementing advice everyone, today's just been my day of just collapsing on the inside.

I knew this was coming after a few days of "calm", i.e. non-feeling.

It's like all the bad thoughts had gone off to recruit more bad thoughts, and come back with an army to blow apart the meagre walls that I built up.

There are still some walls left - talking to you guys (thank you!!), attempting to call the support lines (but cannot find a quiet spot with good reception), messaging other friends, vainly just trying to regulate my breathing, trying to ground myself by talking to others around me - but I'm desperately patching them up and stuff keeps rushing through.

I'm tired. I want this day to end. I need to find something to channel all this stuff into other than the self-hatred which is wrecking me right now.

It is amazing how quickly this happens every single time.

I need someone around me, but I will have to wait until my psychologist appointment tomorrow.

Sorry about the vent. Knowing me, highly likely I'll be venting again.

Not okay at all right now, but at least at least I took one step up the rung earlier, and now I'm trying to act on my safety plan.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi James,

You can try the chat to BB too if you can't find a safe place to call.

Does running help with channeling your energy. You seem to enjoy running and exercise is a natural mood lifter. While you are running you can use mindfulness to change your thoughts. Really look at your surroundings, think of all the details you see. How do you feet feel when they hit the pavement, what can you feel in your legs etc. Can you feel the coolness of a breeze, that kind of thing but in more and more detail. Try and be present in that moment.

Sherie has said that she finds being out in nature grounding. Perhaps running outside may help you.

Here for you.

Carol xx

[Starwolf]

.....and just as quickly you will find yourself in a better space again.

My thoughts will be with you tomorrow.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Just a quick message because I'm crazy tired from work, to let you know I'm still here and thinking of you. Sorry to see you're still struggling with everything. I'm glad you're venting here though, and aware of the cycle you're going through. Knowing your demons is the first step to bonking them on the head and getting rid of them. Hope Mr Chicken is giving you lots of love.

Blue.

[Emmy.]

Hi James. Are you online? Do you want to chat about how you're feeling x

[james1]

Hello everyone,

To cap off a wonderful day at work yesterday, I went home to mum who'd reverted back to her old habits of being passive aggressive. My sister ended up in tears and pots and pans were being slammed as they were washed. It was not fun so I took my sister out for a power walk.

Still, I got to work today and I've got my psychologist appointment at lunch. I was actually going to cancel it but they have a 24 hour cancellation policy and I forgot to cancel before yesterday. Probably a good thing that I didn't cancel, but I don't even know where to start with the session. Feels like too much has happened since last week.

Oh well. I have a sliver of hope which is more than I did yesterday. I will tell you what it is. For now at least, I have the hope that one day I will have my own little place with a rabbit, two rats, a galah, a quaker, a conure, a cockatiel, a cat and a dog. Ideally all at the same time, but I know that's not reasonable, so maybe I'll settle for at different times, haha. A turtle would be nice too. And a bunch of budgies. I also hope that I'll get back to accepting that I might not have a partner and be okay with that. I just want to be comfortable.