I don't know what to say

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I don't really know what to say.

I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.

You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.

I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark.

Steady drums

He cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,
Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,
Who condemn his long unrelenting fall
Into cold black dreams where his demons fly.

Day brings back the spindly claws
Of imps that crawl from beneath his bed;
they hook like leeches into all his flaws
and drink through fangs until they are fed.

Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow bold
And spin bloody chambers around his heart
Which beats like a drum dressed in gold,
Sold to the devil who will never depart.

The chambers burst and hellhounds are loose
They rage inside and reek abuse.
The drums beat louder and echo in his head
They rupture his veins until he is bled.

He is only a man with a dying light,
A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,
“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,
“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.

And yet while the flame can still flicker,
And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,
The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,
Until he is safe from this strife.

[Guest_322]

Hi again,

Yeah, sometimes the true weight of our feelings can reveal itself in writing- like in your poems. I think sad poems are equally important as happy poems. They each have a place and play a part.

Dottie

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

I know it's been rough. Emmy and the others have pretty much said it all.

They have been such consistent, caring support so I don't really have anything meaningful to add. But I just wanted to pop in and give you a virtual hug (if that's cool with you).

Dottie

[james1]

Hey Dottie

You've become a real pillar of support for me. Thank you.

Feeling pretty drained at the moment after a long day at work then the rain then my psychologist session then another volunteering get together.

Productive but...pretty tired. Doesn't help that I'm a bit afraid of sleeping now since I keep having dreams which are either nightmares or just dreams that are super disappointing to wake from.

I'll reply to the others in full later but just wanted to say thanks.

Hugs (I realised the reason why I'm so bad with hugs in real life is I never got any as a child - wonderful thought)

James

[Lost_Girl]

Hi James,

Your poems are amazing. They are very descriptive and I can envisage as I read. You are talented.

I am sorry to read of the troubles that brought you here. I think it's great you have the goal of the sprint triathalon in a couple of years. That's a great healthy goal.

I am saddened to read you didn't get hugs growing up. I hope in your future you find a way to enjoy them and get more than enough to make up for this.

Here's a hug for you.

Thanks for finding my thread today, it meant a lot.

Carol

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I don't remember any hugs from my childhood either, James. It seemed so weird seeing how affectionate my friends' parents were, like they were the ones that weren't normal. I was pretty awkward with affection for a long time as a result of it being kind of alien to me and I'm still a little apprehensive, but if it helps, I found it got easier with practice. It's just a matter of being open to it. So bugger it, have a hug.

Blue.

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

You sound very overwhelmed. What a full-on day you had yesterday. I think your word, drained, was a good way to describe it.

It's awful that sleep for you is now associated with fear and disappointment.

Hey, that sucks- I think that not receiving hugs growing up can be tough. Although I think that sometimes it doesn't hit home that you haven't received much physical affection/comfort growing up till you meet people who seem to give and receive hugs easily.

I didn't grow up in a physically affectionate family either so it used to confuse (but also move) me when I met people in my offline life who seemed to have no qualms about giving hugs, a pat on the shoulder, etc. I've learnt from them over the years.

Either way, I guess what I'm trying to say is even if our past and current experiences aren't the identical, I can empathise.

You hang in there, friend. Here's another hug (if that's still cool) 😊

Dottie

[blondguy]

Hey James

James said:(I realised the reason why I'm so bad with hugs in real life is I never got any as a child - wonderful thought)

I hear you loud and clear with the zero hugs James...ditto here.

I get those occasional nightmares as well....My doc told me to use them as an indicator of my current stress levels......hmmmmm....not much comfort but I know what he means.

My Best for you BigJ

Paul

[james1]

Hey Emmy,

Yeah, I also used to say "good" and then tell them all these stories I could think of that were good, and even make up some if I had to. But now, I kind of say "been better", "terrible", "rubbish", "don't know how to answer that" or I just don't see the person at all. I'm sure your friend was just taken aback and doesn't think differently of you. But I do agree - I think there are some things which we just end up keeping in ourselves, and we can slowly release some of this to others to see how they react.

I'm somewhat close to my sister but we're 7 years apart so there's a bit of a gap there, especially since she's still in school. Perhaps later we'll be even closer, but for now we're just at different stages of our lives. Resentment, not anymore, but there used to be when she was the favourite.

I'll stay in Sydney because it's where I work - damn expensive though. We had a person living out at Tuggerah and it just took him too long to get to work. Oh I love Lake Macquarie. My ex and I stayed on the lake once, got a free upgrade to the boatshed and it was amazing. Such a nice calm place. I'm thinking 2 rats to start. Yes, apparently you can train rats - my ex before the last had a couple and they could do heaps of cool little tricks. We had some rabbits before and my sister managed to train them to jump through hoops and spin around, haha. I never knew you could train rabbits. They're so funny when they're not pests.

I think what you said here is so true: "You're not trying to force the fact that you want to get back together but just that you still want her in your life and respect her enough to give her distance and time." I had a chat about it to my psychologist because I was thinking about what you said. We talked about what I want and landed on: the opportunity to just discuss the problems I'd been keeping away from her. If that gives her perspective and she feels like we could keep talking, then that'd be lovely. If she decides she doesn't want to, well, at least I tried and I can know there's no longer any misunderstanding. Does that make sense?

I showed my psychologist one of the poems about my ex - I'll post it in the poetry corner. I think it helped. I'd recommend showing your psychiatrist your poem as well. Mine talked to me about how people use creative ways to express their emotions. I think your wonderful hubby has some great advice 🙂 My psychologist wants me to go on ADs but I dunno... nervous about the entire thing.

[james1]

Hey Blue,

Sorry to hear about your tough upbringing as well. Hard to say what's better right? Indifference or tough love? Both pretty rough. Yes, I think a bit of space will help. Even just having my own home I can come back to, rather than a place where I just don't feel comfortable or safe.

I don't mean to stereotype but my friend who's also your Myers Briggs personality type is the same! He's unabashedly himself and people love him for that (or just leave him be). And he couldn't care less about those who don't accept him, which is so healthy.

I try to be me, except I get lost in who "me" is. There's a long-ish thread on borderline personality disorder where I've explained it as creating images of myself for every single person, to the extent where I don't even know what would be counted as "me" anymore. So for the time being, I'm not sure what bit is the facade. Definitely the excitement and happiness, but I can hardly just be sad and dull, haha. Sorry, I really do know what you're suggesting and I'd love to implement your advice once I figure out what I can replace - this (pointing at "me") - with. Thanks for your insight though. Will just need to keep it in my little toolkit for now.

Mr Chicken (yes, I really do call him that - he looks like such a chicken when he waddles around) - has been busy annoying my sister during her exam studies. he even chewed and pooped on her notes! Very funny.

It's weird - I'm okay now with hugs from friends. I had this one great bear of a friend who just gave the best hugs. He was great. But family and even, to an extent, a partner... then I get a bit antsy. Which is a shame.

James

[james1]

Hey Carol,

Thank you for the compliment on the poems. I feel like there's a lot of work to be done on them, but I'm glad the feelings are carrying across. I guess the main bit of work is making them "accessible" so people outside of my head, outside of experiences like my own, can understand them. But doing that without losing the feeling is tricky.

I'd been following your thread since I came on. I just never knew what to say because you carry yourself and your troubles so well. I don't know. I just was very impressed.

And thank you for your post about a movie marathon in the Cafe. I think that was a wonderful thing after a long day for many here. There are things people do that I etch into my memory - small things that carry so much meaning - and this is one of those little acts that just showed me how much someone can care about the feelings of others. Thank you - I'd like to be more like that as I continue along this journey.

Many hugs

James