I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Great to chat to you some more and glad that you are well, I saw on the news that Tassie had a huge outbreak and was hoping that it didn't impact your or your family, really interesting times and like nothing we have seen before, hopefully not again for a very long time either!!!

Easter was weird, we tried to do somethings to make the event, nice lunch, some Easter art..lol..but all in all it was really strange as I usually travel to see my dad at this time ad I was not able to do that this year. I am close to my dad and even more so since my brother's passing. He did sort of parent from the stalls in the past but we are so close now and he call me alot and we talk so much, He emails me and it is really great. If there is something positive that has come out of all of this is that our family has reunited and we tell each other we love each other which is really nice too.

How exciting for you that you are going to get your house soon, wow, umm yes some blinds might be a good idea, although they might enjoy the show and make them smile.....lol...are you planning to move in or will you wait until things resume back to normal, are you even allowed to move?? That is really cool too that you are doing some recording and using the time to still play and enjoy your music, I am sure you will have a great collection by the time this thing is over..how cool.

That is hilarious about getting excited about a trip to the PO, I get it though, it is like a trip to the supermarket or to get petrol is the highlight of the day. I am lucky in that I am still doing one or two days in the office so I get to see about 3 or 4 people which breaks up the four walls of being at home, and the cats love it too, I am sure they wonder why I am invading their space all day..lol

Well I am going to set Jack up for his online drum lesson, that will be interesting..I guess he is lucky he has kit to be able to continue his lesson while doing home school.

Great to chat to you Aaron, stay safe and all the best if you are moving.

You are a great friend.

Hugs

Sarah

[Azzdog]

Hey Aaron, (you have a really awesome name by the way!)

I haven't read all of your comments but the ones I did really stuck out to me.

I have been in a relationship almost nine months now and it has been a whirlwind experience for me. Like you, I had intimacy problems as well where my partner thought she was unattractive and thought that we weren't meant to be together in an intimate sense.

It has meant that a lot of bad stuff has happened which could have ended the relationship. I won't go into detail here (you can look at my forum post if you wish) but suffice to say I am amazed sometimes that we are still together.

It is really demoralising unfortunately, particularly for us men. I felt that I wasn't allowed to be intimate and because I have a range of issues on the matter, it caused me to feel really uncomfortable when we tried to be intimate. I didn't think I was a real man and would get really upset because of it. We ended up seeing a relationship counsellor because of it.

Despite all the problems we have been through we have made it through to the other side. Our intimacy problems are not problems anymore and that was due to us being more comfortable in being intimate together. It really does come down to honest communication and being empathetic and caring for each other.

I hope my story can help you.

I am sorry I haven't read everything yet. I just saw that at the start and I really felt I should reach out and let you know you are not alone.

Keep being awesome Aaron.

Regards,

Aaron

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Sorry for the tardy reply!

That would have been really hard not being able to see your Dad over the Easter break. I suspect many people are in situations like that where visiting family is a tradition at this time of the year. It's wonderful you have a relationship like that with your Dad. It's a shame with this horrible virus situation you couldn't see him.

My Easter break was very quiet- there's really little I can do at the moment! I've been very lucky, I actually had a gig a while ago - it wasn't a real gig, but it was a live-stream gig. The venue is streaming through their social media page. I'm lucky enough to have another one this Friday. I'm probably one of the only musicians down here still "kind of" working.

I had to check the rule re moving house - turns out I am allowed to move! That is a huge relief. Hopefully I'll be able to start moving soon. I"m still waiting on the final occupancy certificate to be completed, also the bank needs to pay the builder his last instalment. Definitely going to need blinds! Will be keen to move ASAP. It's not that I'm unhappy here at home, I get along really well with my Mum. I don't get along with my brother at all (23 years old, never had a job, no plan on ever getting one...), but I think I really just want my own space for once!

I went for an excursion to the PO today - so exciting !! My cats too are perplexed why I'm at home. They're not used to it haha!

Hope you're safe where you are Sarah 🙂

Aaron

[rhinoceros]

Aaron! Thank you so much for your nice message. Your name is awesome too!!

It's so nice to know I'm not the only one who's had issues like that. It's so demoralising. That in turn with how my partner at the time responded caused a really serious downward spiral that I'm still finding my way out of! I'm so glad you both worked through those issues. I when both parties are committed to the relationship you can work through most problems.

I feel that when one party is unwilling to acknowledge a problem or consistently adds to it that the situation becomes impossible to resolve.

I can relate to you so much - that feeling of not being a 'real man' (whatever the heck that is!) is so suffocating.

I hope one day there will be less stigma about relationship issues like this, particularly concerning men. It's the kind of thing people like to joke about, but when you're actually in that situation, it's something you'd never wish on anyone.

Thank you again for your message !!

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Remember me..lol..so very sorry but I thought I had messaged you and I was checking for your message to see I had not....DOH!

I have been wondering how the move has gone and how you are going with all of the final details in your home and mostly if you are all moved in as yet?

I am very excited that we are going to be relaxing on some of the isolation rules and am sooo excited to be catching up for dinner with my friends on Friday night. I feel like we have been doing this iso thing for ever, even though it has only been really a few weeks..how are you going with it all?

I wish I had some exciting news and be able to report of the things I have been up to but sadly just work, kids, eat, sleep repeat...how are your online music sessions going? At least you have some way of still being able to keep playing and to sharing your music, that is really cool.

I am waiting to hear when we can venture interstate and as soon as that happens I will head off to see my dad which I am really looking forward to. How is your family going? I hope that your grandad is in good health with all these things going around, it is a really scary time for the elderly.

How are you going mostly? How are you feeling of late and how has the contact been with your ex? If any at all? I feel like we haven't really chatted about that and just want to check in with you on that one.

Sorry once again for the miscomms on the posting....hope to chat soon Aaron

hugs to you my friend

Sarah xx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah!

No need to apologise - I've done the same thing before! Probably more than once too haha.

Tonight I'm picking up the keys to the house. I'm really looking forward to moving in. I'll start by doing a few car trips myself, moving what I can by myself. That way hopefully there's not going to be too much for the removalists to move.

The timing is great because I'm at breaking point right now. Not sure if I've mentioned previously, but I don't get along with my brother at all. He's 24, no job (or plans of getting one), no licence etc. He spends the day on the computer doing god-knows-what and drinking. My mum is the enabler sadly, she doesn't discipline him at all. I've tried to diplomatically speak to my mum about this but she is in denial. My mum is just too kind and generous for her own good. Sadly that can be taken advantage of. I'll miss him.

Sadly my grandfather passed away on Saturday. He declined rapidly in the space of a few days. He had cancer, that's what caused his rapid decline. My mum was with him when he died. She's handled it all so well. We had the funeral yesterday. I don't like funerals, but it was a nice way to celebrate his life. I never really got to know him all that well, but he was definitely a very courageous strong man.

Moving out will be great since I won't have to bear witness to any of that any more! It's driving me crazy.

I still am friends with my ex - we talk lots and see each other plenty. She's made lots of really positive changes and is generally a much happier person than she was in the past.

I too am looking forward to being able to travel. Not just interstate, even just within Tassie! There's a few places I've been really wanting to go, but due to the restrictions we are not allowed to venture too far from where we live without some sort of reason. Sightseeing doesn't count as a reason!

Anyway, I should head off and pick up these house keys !!

how exiting!

Hope you have a great weekend!

Aaron xx

[Aaronsis]

Hello my friend

I am so very sorry that your dear grandfather has passed away, funerals are really sad but I hope it was a beautiful celebration of his life and that under the current situations with COVID you got to farewell your dear grandad. I am so sorry and I am sure that your mum is feeling really sad too so I am thinking of her too.

There is so much going on for you at the moment and the story of your brother sounds very very much like mine. My other brother is 43, he started his first ever job this year..he has no friends and suffers his own mental demons I am sure. However my mother has never made any attempt to let him fly on his own, she has "taken care" of him and now he the co depend on each other in an almost love hate relationship. It is very sad to see. I hope your brother can find some motivation to join some of the good things in life and see that he is not living his best life at the moment. It is so hard.

I hope you have the keys in your hand and you are in...HOW EXCITING AARON....I am so happy for you , your own place and your own space. Now you can get to putting all the bits and pieces in to make it home and to set yourself up for a really nice space that celebrates you.

I am really happy to hear that your ex seems to be making some really great and positives choices and seems to be doing much better. That is really great to hear. Maybe you are better as friends and that is perfectly fine too. I think you have learnt so much and you will have your eyes wide open now and will be a different person in future relationships which is wonderful. Hopefully coffee girl is still a good friend too....

I am off to see my dad today, I am super excited and I haven't seen him in so long so I am really looking forward to that.

Keep in touch my friend and huge hugs to you

Sarah xxx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah 🙂

We were lucky in that when the funeral was on, the restrictions were lifted to allow 10 people there instead of 5. That was nice - it was a nice service. My mum is doing well. She was worried about him for a long time, so in a way she's actually kind of relieved. The main thing was he wasn't in any pain. It's still an awful thing to happen, but my mum is such a positive, strong person.

I'm glad I'm not the only one frustrated by a sibling! Your brother's situation sounds worse than mine... I find it really hard to contain my anger and frustration in regards to his behaviour. I'm not so sure my brother has any mental demons or anything like that - of course there's no way of telling - but I think mainly he's just lazy. That combined with little or no discipline is a recipe for trouble. Like your Mum, my Mum enables the behaviour! There's no conflict between my brother and Mum, but that's largely because she doesn't challenge his behaviour at all.

I've started moving things into the new house! It's going to take a while to get everything moved but I'm doing it one bit at at time. It will be really nice to have my own space. My front and back yard looks like an abandoned quarry or something so I'll have to do some work there - but that can happen later!

I'm going to skype-call coffee girl today and see how she is going- haven't spoken to her for quite a while now. In fact I haven't spoken to most of my friends for a while! I should really make contact with people more.

I haven't put much thought in to future relationships at this stage, but I look at that from a place of optimism and hope. I think it's something that will happen with time, I don't want to rush anything. I'm glad my ex is doing well, in someways me pulling away has been a good thing for her. I forced her to rethink so many things.

That is so exciting you are seeing you Dad !! You must miss him so much. I hope it goes well and you have a safe trip 🙂

Aaron

xxx

[Aaronsis]

Hi Aaron

Great to hear that you were able to have 10 people for your grandfather's funeral, it is really such a sad time and to have the limitations is just heartbreaking. I am so happy to hear that your mum is doing well, I understand what you mean about it being a relief for her and worrying about his pain and his quality of life. That is wonderful that your mum is a strong and positive person, non the less I am sure she is sad her dear father is no longer with you all.

The whole sibling thing is just mind blowing..it really is, I am actually in conversations now, and when I say conversations I mean heated arguments with my brother around the care for my mother. It is just horrible and I am really looking forward to when he wakes up and accepts responsibility in life and sees that it is not his mother's role to take care of him..at 43!!! anyhoo...it is really so upsetting and just the pits. My mother has enabled him all his life as I think she too thinks it is her role to take care of him and has some sense of guilt if she does not. Also similar to you in that mum does not challenge him or make him accountable for his life.

By the time you are reading this I am sure you have a whole lot more moved in and you are getting closer to setting up your first home..how exciting. I had to laugh when you said that your yard looks like an abandoned quarry..lol....it really is how it goes with building a house. But hey, at least you have a clean slate and you can make it how you want...if you are like me with gardening you might want to concrete the whole area and plant plastic plants...lol.

How did the skype call go with coffee girl? That is awesome that you are staying connected with her. I am quietly hoping she has news she is single..just saying...lol...I know you are in no rush to move on with a new relationship but you just never know what pops up. I hear you though with staying connected with friends, I am not really good at doing that at the best of times and my friends are always the ones calling me....I need to get better at being a better friend, that was one of my goals for this year...hmmmmm

I am so glad to hear that your ex is doing well, a break up really does make you evaluate and I am glad she has taken that opportunity to reflect and to make some changes in her life too, that is awesome.

I really enjoyed seeing dad, it felt like an eternity since we could have a glass of red and talk.

Running out of room

Chat soon my friend

Sarah xxx

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Sorry for the slow reply! Work has been a bit busy this week - I guess I should be thankful I have a job to be busy at! I too am really glad we could have 10 people there at the funeral. Sadly for folks of his age, most of his friends are long gone, and those who remain aren't likely able to attend funerals. It was good just having the family there.

I'm sorry to hear about the heated arguments with your brother! He sounds a lot like mine. I don't mean to speak unkindly of people, but my brother is simply useless. Honestly, converting oxygen into carbon-dioxide is about as useful as he gets. He rarely gets up before mid-day. Meanwhile my Mum still is working 10 hour days. It's really sickening. I actually find him really creepy.

I've tried talking about this stuff with my mum - she simply won't listen. Unfortunately she has her head in the sand. It's so frustrating because it's doing neither of them any good. He's borderline unemployable as it is, the longer she lets this go on, the worse it will be.

I like your gardening ideas!! If concreting wasn't so darn expensive, I'd do that! I've been moving lots of things there - I'm nearly done moving now. I'm hiring a van later this week to move the objects that won't fit in my car. Hopefully in about a week or so I'll be in there. No more putting up with irritating younger brother - hooray.

Skype call with coffee-girl was lovely. I was kind of nervous about calling if I'm honest! It was nice - it's nice when conversation flows really easily and you don't feel like you have to think of things to say all the time. I too secretly would be happy to hear she is single. She is really special... and waaayyyy out of my league! I think she's struggling a bit with the isolation, she said she was really pleased to get a call from me. How great is that?!

That is so great you could see your dad again! It's great that things are slowly getting back to normal again. We're so lucky to be here in Australia where we've somehow dodged the worst it. I've been doing one gig per week for the last couple weeks - one of the pubs here in Hobart does live-streaming gigs through Facebook. It's not the same as real audience but so great to be still playing!

Hope you're having a wonderful day!

big hugs !

Aaron xx