I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Aaron

So so sorry for another late reply, busy weekend with the kids and playing mum.

Hope you are feeling better after your cold, you are probably right, you have been through alot lately and it really does impact your health and your general wellbeing, I hope you are feeling better today.

How did you go over the weekend with seeing your ex? Hope that is wasn't too draining on you as you mentioned it was starting to become that way, and that you were able to keep the visit short. It is good that you are keeping a check on her but agree, as time goes on the space will become more necessary. It is so true too what you said about talking over and over and going around and around in circles to come back to the same point. It is so very exhausting and absolutely keeps dragging it all up again for no benefit really.

Glad to hear that the air is somewhat clearer with office girl, and hopefully she can see she was probably a little to anxious with you and a bit too excited at your new found single life but didn't really consider your healing. I hear what you are saying about having unresolved issues, it is weight on your shoulders and worry that you don't need, even though you do feel like you want to have a big chat to her and yet can't decide what it is you want to say, frustrating, yet I am sure in time and when you are feeling stronger you will find the words that you want to say and may even be able to identify how you are feeling about her. You may decide that a friendship is all it will be and that is fine.

Hope you have been well enough to pull the running shoes back on and hit the pavement, I wish I could run, guess I should just start really...that would help!

Hope your Monday was good.

Chat very soon

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

No need to apologise! Being a mum is a full time job! As someone with no kids, I am always astonished at how people with kids manage to juggle everything.

I'm on the mend- but what I thought was a cold quickly turned to Bronchitis. Right now I have a very husky deep voice. My work colleagues joke that I sound like Barry White. It's made work tricky being on the phone etc. but I'm glad that I'm feeling well enough to be at work in any case.

Seeing ex on the weekend was okay- I was very sick still so I didn't stay too long. It was good to keep it short. She means well. Right now I'm content with just being friends. We haven't had the discussion as such as to where things are going, but I'm thinking after my trip to Melbourne breaking that to her. She'll obviously be upset etc. but for once I need to do what's right for me. I don't want to be with someone just because I feel obligated or sorry for them. That's less than what she deserves.

Regarding office girl - I'm still a bit of a mess, but I had a great chat with my counsellor yesterday that cleared things up a bit. He said I'm infatuated with her. He couldn't be more right! I feel awful that I've hurt her. At the same time I'm angry that she put so much pressure on me only a few days after breaking up with my ex. I wouldn't dream of doing that to someone. I would love to be friends with her again, and just see where that goes. Once I've got myself together a bit more I can hopefully untangle that mess. I really miss her!

Trying to be positive for now- I've actually made a new friend at work - I'm taking her out for a coffee tomorrow. It's not a romantic thing at all. She sent me a nice message a week or two ago, saying I looked tired/bothered and that if I'm going through a rough patch and want to grab a coffee, she's there. Very kind of her, she doesn't even know me. It's just nice to know there's genuinely good people out there. (such as you as well Sarah!!!)

I'm looking forward to running again - hopefully when this nasty chest infection goes away. Today I'll still head out for a walk at lunch, even if it's a slow walk 🙂

Hope your Tuesday has been treating you well!

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hi Aaron

Thanks for understanding and yes, parenting is pretty much a juggling act..lol...you would never swap it for the world but it is a massive learning curve. You will be there one day!

Glad you are feeling better Barry White..lol...I bet you get lots of comments on the phone..lol..but seriously, Bronchitis is not pleasant.

I think your counsellor has nailed it and there is a bit of an infatuation with office girl, and let's face it, she is the first person who has made you aware of you and your feelings and that there were deficiencies in your relationship. I totally get the confusion between anger and feeling like you have hurt her, you care alot about her and you don't want her angry or hurting either, and she is probably feeling the same and so I really think at some point in the future you both will be able to talk this through when you are both in a better head space and perhaps you are further along in your healing.

That is so lovely that you were asked for a coffee out of genuine wellbeing, there are awesome people out there in the world and that is the sort of act that gives you back faith in people and that there are people who care, thank you for your kind words, I really do care about everyone I chat to on here, including you, having support and comfort at a time in your life when you are so desperate is so wonderful and people were there for me when I reached out and now I would like to be there to help others. I hope you had a wonderful coffee and had a great chat getting to know your new friend, that is so great.

Getting back into running will be great and there are some awesome running tracks in Melbourne that you can discover when you are here. Hopefully you will get some beautiful weather and you can go by the Yarra River and Albert Park, there are some beautiful spots.

My Tuesday was pretty good indeed, hope you are good too Aaron and so proud of how far you have come.

Chat soon

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

My best friend -he's a new(ish) dad, they've only just had their second baby. The eldest is 3. I'm always staggered by the amount of energy him and his wife have, not to mention the kids! It makes me appreciate how much my parents went through with me.

I'm still sounding like Barry White today. Was singing along in the car to Johnny Cash. I can hit all the low notes at the moment. Best to enjoy that while I can haha!

You're so right regarding office girl. It really was/is an infatuation. The contrast between how she treated me vs. how my ex treated me for most of the last 3 years couldn't have been greater. It was a very lonely miserable time. There were nice moments, but they were fleeting and usually few and far between. It wouldn't take much for me to fall head over heels with someone else in the context of that. Office girl had some bad relationships that sounded eerily similar to mine, so I can see where she's coming from too. I hate the fact I've hurt her, and I'd love to clear the air, but with what? more confused air? that's not really helpful! I went to go to the tea room to get a coffee, she was there, I did a 180 and came back later. Just not ready to deal with that yet, I don't think she is either.

I just got back from having coffee with that nice friend at work. It was really good to properly talk to her. I could finally personally thank you for the lovely message she sent me a while ago. It has put me in a good mood - most of the last week I've felt really not that great, particularly at work. Having to avoid office-girl has been awful. That whole sad/unsettled feeling is really horrible. It's nice to feel a bit happier.

I'll check out those places in Melbourne! That sounds great - I would love to do some running there. Hopefully by the time I get there my Barry White phase will have passed and I'll be well enough to run again. I can't wait to get there- there's so many great guitar shops in Melbourne, I will be sure to check some of them out as well.

Your help has been so valuable and really means a lot. It's been a rough trot, but it's been no where near as rough as it would've been without your help. I don't feel like I've come far, but at the same time I realise the future looks so much brighter now than it did a year ago for example. I know I've done the right thing. You shouldn't look back on relationship and think "that was mostly a sad time". Glad to have that mostly behind me now.

Got a meeting to go to now - ugh!

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Happy Thursday..the weekend is in sight....yay!

Wow, a 3 year old and a new born, I remember those days and yes, crazy, fun but totally crazy...lol..you will find out about that one day!

That is hilarious about your singing like Barry White and rocking it with your deep voice...I must admit I have been known to sign a few Deborah Harry songs when I have been sick too...lol....hilarious!

I was soooooo happy to read that the coffee with your new friend went well and that you were able to feel some support and have a great chat, but mostly that it put you in a good mood, that is awesome..especially seeing that office girl is still causing some anxiety for you, as you said and know it will take some time and who knows what will happen in the future, I feel like it will be something like banging into each other in the kitchen and you both sort of go "hey, this is crazy, lets chat"...and you can put the past behind you both but acknowledge what it was, with calm.

There are sooo many great things about Melbourne, the music shops, the restaurants, the running tracks, the city at night, make sure you check out Crown and Southbank at night, it is amazing.....you will see that perhaps a week is not long enough..lol..not sure where you will get to play with your jazz band but if you are at Hamer Hall or the Arts Centre that would be awesome!

Aaron..it has been my absolute pleasure to help you through this time, I feel like I have been able to share some of my experience being an oldie and it has helped you and that is awesome..you are so very very welcome and I have said it before..but you really have come alot further than you think....you most certainly have done the right thing and it may not be til a future relationship that you realize how much of the right thing it was to leave that first relationship in the past. You may care and chat to your ex forever, and that is fine, but there will be boundaries.

Have a great day, hot 35 in Melbourne today.....stinker....but makes me happy!

Chat soon

Sarah

[Aaronsis]

..ohh and do you know how proud I am to see you now reaching out and supporting others and answering posts...you are amazing Aaron and your strength, your story and your advice will go on to help another human...how friggin awesome!!!

Yay for you!!!!!!

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah!

Yes- the weekend isn't too far away now! I'm leaving for Melbourne tomorrow morning .Driving up to Devonport to take the ferry over. It's going to be a fun adventure. It's 30 degrees today in Hobart, I think it's 30 tomorrow as well. I'll be ever so grateful for the air-con in the car for that long drive.

The sound of my voice right now is hilarious. It's a cross between Barry White and a pack-a-day smoker. It's frustrating, but seeing the funny side of it helps :-).

That coffee/chat yesterday was great. It gave me a much needed bit of perspective. I'm so sick of carrying this emotional baggage from my ex and from office girl all the time . It's not like I have to carry that baggage but I can't help it. Having that nice chat was like a breath of fresh air - much needed and I'm so thankful for it.

I really hope things with office-girl become a bit less awkward - I'm sure it will with time. We got along so well, it would be such a shame to not be friends.I'm trying not to beat myself up too much about the hurt I never meant to cause, but that's easier said than done. It would be nice to have that moment where we both stop being silly and move on.

I will try and check out as many of those places as possible! I intend to start gigging in Melbourne on a more regular basis - it would be great to go there every 3-4 months or so. Hopefully I'll get to see lots of the sights there in the near future. Unfortunately I'm not playing anywhere quite that prestigious - I'm in a jazz club in the CBD, only a small venue , fits I think 60 people or so. A couple of the people I'm playing are friends from Hobart that have moved to Melbourne in the last couple years - will be nice to catch up with them.

Last night I went to a jazz jam session - when I was with my ex it was really difficult to go out and do things like that. She wasn't interested in going out to jazz gigs or anything like that (which is fair enough)- but I was expected to stay with her and do whatever she was doing. I enjoyed that.

While I feel a bit suffocated by my ex at times, I realise I actually feel less lonely being on my own. I still am happy to be there for her, but I need to be firm about having boundaries. It's amazing how you can be in a relationship, seeing someone every day, but still feel very much alone.It's still an up and down thing, but I know deep down that I've done what's right.

Hope you've had a wonderful Thursday so far 🙂

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aarorn

Safe trip to Melbourne tomorrow, that will be so fun to have a bit of a road trip and then the ferry, really cool, hope the crossing of the Bass Strait is kind to you. I get terrible motion sickness so the thought of a choppy trip sends my anxiety through the roof..lol

I think it is going to be pretty warm here for the next few days so it will feel like a heat wave for you.

That is pretty cool that you will get to come more often to Melbourne to do what you love, that will be so good for your mental health, getting away and playing music, you will be in your happy place!

So I am not sure if we have chatted about how your ex took it when you said that you were coming to Melbourne by yourself. Hopefully she realized that was the case and accepted it?

I am so looking forward to the weekend, I will be going to "The Sickening Ball", which is a show of RuPaul's drag queens..I am so excited and I can't wait....lol....we are then going to Canberra in Feb to see RuPaul's drag race girls in show.....we love it....lol

Ok well have an awesome night and a safe trip to Melbourne.

Chat Soon

Sarah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Just wanted to stop in and see that you are having a ball in Melbourne and that your gig went well.

Hope you are feeling happy and have had a chance to experience some great coffee and some of the love of Melbourne.

Cheers

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah - sorry for the delay in replying!

Am back in Hobart again now.
Melbourne was GREAT. Really enjoyed it. Driving in the city was scary, we don't really have traffic like that in Hobart! It was nice to be in a different place for a while. In the end I didn't check out any guitar stores - probably a good thing for the bank balance anyway! Did buy some nice new clothes, we don't have DFOs in Tasmania, so it was nice to snag a bargain or two. The gig went well - played to a full house, they seemed to like it. If what I play makes even one person happy, that's good enough for me.

My ex was okay about me going on my own to Melbourne - I put it in the context of it being primary around me having to perform, that it's almost like a work trip of sorts. At this stage we are still talking often, not really sure where it's going but it doesn't really have to go anywhere either I guess?

The office girl has deleted me off Facebook and Instagram - I guess she probably doesn't want to see anything of me right now. Still feeling horrible that I've caused her so much pain. If I had any idea things would turn out like this I would have done everything so differently. Trying to not worry too much about that, but it's easier said than done. I hope she's okay.

Today I had the day off work (lucky me!). After the hustle and bustle of being in Melbourne, seeing a few friends - I did feel quite lonely today. I drove around a lot, not really going anywhere, just cruising around. It takes my mind of things. It's probably a bit of post-holiday blues I guess. It's also been super rainy and miserable outside today, that probably doesn't help. I'm actually looking forward to being at work tomorrow - it will be nice to see my colleagues again.

How was your weekend Sarah? How did the ball go? That sounds FUN!

Aaron