I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

You are such a caring and warm man and your want to help your ex really is outstanding and such a strong character in you.

One of life's biggest frustrations "how can I help someone who doesn't want to help themselves?" it is traumatic for you to hear about her pain and I know you will be feeling responsible for that, but you really cant make her. You have provided her all the tools and given her every bit of support in you and if she wont take that there is actually nothing you can do to make her. That is a really lousy answer I know but that was my frustration too with my brother and I am still learning how to get over the part of "why did he not reach out"...I think he didn't want to..I am by no means suggesting your ex is suicidal but she is showing signs of depression, and you have been very active in supplying her with ways in which she can reach out, as you have and support herself....

Let's look at the alternative, you go back to her out of guilt so as she feels better, now essentially you have transferred all this pain and mess onto you. You are then back in that relationship out of guilt and not love and how do you go through with that. There is no pleasure for you and to be honest ..none for her.

You really can only lead a horse to water Aaron, please try to be kind to yourself, you really have done everything right and I am just wish I could do something for you.

S

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah - hope you had a nice weekend.

I caught up with my ex, both Saturday and Sunday. She was doing much better than she was on Friday. She really had me worried. I suspect she has depression, and I also strongly suspect she's had it for most of the time we've been together. She's very much against using counselling, psychologists and medication. I can appreciate people being apprehensive about medication, but counselling is something that's so effective and helpful. Personally, it's been hugely valuable for me... but as we say, you can lead a horse to water...

Right now we're just being friends really... I'm happy with that dynamic. I feel that probably what we just should've been all along. I'm appreciating having time and freedom to do the things I enjoy. For years the only time I'd even touch a guitar was when I had to go out and perform. Rarely did I play it at home, I basically never practised. Last night I did some songwriting and recording - things I never ordinarily would have had the time to do.

My work colleague friend (who may hate me?) is back today. I have to admit just seeing her was very painful. Today has been a bit of a struggle, but that's life I guess. She has been messaging my best friend a lot, almost constantly. Asking about me at times, also being quite flirty with him. He's a chronic flirt himself (he has a wife and two kids... let's not go there). His wife found out about him messaging her, and he's in big trouble. He's shut down all his social media accounts... probably a good idea for his own sake...

This sounds wrong, but I almost feel like I'm dealing with two break-ups at once. I fell in love with that office by accident and it all went wrong.

Sometimes I stop and think and really struggle to understand how I get into the situations that I get into...

It's a beautiful day in Hobart today, I'm going to go for a big run after work and get all this nervous/anxious energy out.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Happy Monday...I think!..lol

I am so pleased to hear that your ex is doing better and that you were able to spend some time with her over the weekend and that you felt like friends, that is a really nice place to be. Hopefully you didn't feel pressure or stress.

Great to hear you are starting to give yourself time to do what you love and practice your music and get into that space that makes you feel happy, that is so wonderful. So between your music and your running you have got some good things in place to keep a nice check on how you are feeling and doing some great things for you and that is really awesome.

I hear you when you say you are like breaking up with two people, it really is like that for you and you have been hit with this twice. That is not great to hear that your married colleague has found himself in a predicament..but shutting down his social media accounts sounds like a good start. I hope he and his wife can get through this time. The girl with whom you had feelings for sounds like she is struggling with some things too and maybe some low self esteem and self validation. I hope she is ok too, not fun to be trying to find out who you are and wanting things you can't have, I hope she has people to talk to also.

Glad you have some sun out today and that it is a beautiful day. It is supposed to be nice here but kind of a bit overcast and not really that flash...the week is due to get better tho with a 30 degree day I think...heatwave!

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Happy Monday indeed! Well as happy as a Monday can be anyway!

I too am glad she's doing better. There's still a bit of pressure there. I'm trying my best to not fall in the trap of people pleasing and just going along with what is expected or wanted of me. Not easy but just doing what I can, and trying to do the right thing by her too. The dynamic is still very much that carer/patient scenario even now.

I just had an awkward encounter with my work colleague friend. It was one of those situations where I had no idea what to say or how to say it. I fear I came across sounding cold or not caring enough... I really don't know. After something like that I think it's pretty normal to second guess every detail of what or wasn't said... I'm a bit shaken up by that. She sounded very upset. I hate how I've hurt her so. I wish I could take it all back.

This probably makes no sense but I feel like my chest is burning up from the inside out... I feel so awful that I've cause so much hurt. It was never my intention...

I am considering sending her an email or something just to check in/apologies for how awkward I was earlier... not sure if it's a good idea.

I went for a walk at lunchtime , it's really nice outside. It's a shame I couldn't spend more time in the outdoors.
Back in the office now - looking forward to getting outside again later today 🙂

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

I am so sorry you have just had an awkward encounter, I think it is always weird when we bump into people we have had/have feelings for and don't currently know where we stand or what the situation is.

I am hopeful tho that she can see you are getting through a breakup and I am sure she will be understanding that sometimes your encounters will be warm, some will weird and some good, but please try not to take on too much of the emotional baggage with it, she is also responsible for her feelings and actions and you technically have not hurt her, you were not available at that time when you made a connection and she did know this.

The fact you are single now is a side issue, she needs to accept that you are still healing and that you are not just available to jump out of one relationship into another. Please try to be kind to you in that she really did push you and she has to take some responsibility for the "rejection" for want of a better word as she knew you were not available. The way she handled it with the expectation you would run to her for either support or who knows what is on her, not on you, you are not responsible for her behavior, just yours, and you acted with true integrity and morals and you should feel proud.

I would tend not to keep contacting her, although you do what sits best with you, if you think you will feel better by acknowledging the awkwardness then you should do that, this is all about making peace for you.

The sun is out here now so I too should get out there tonight and do some exercise...hmmmm...good in theory!

Enjoy your run tonight, hope it makes you feel good.

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

These things happen - an office is only so big after all. We both startled each other which didn't help things. If I was a puffer fish I would've puffed right out! We both don't know where we stand or anything. Technically speaking am single, but not in the sense that I'd be willing to meet anyone new or even have completely severed ties with my ex - it's all up in the air, as these things often are for a while after.

I'm sure things will get a bit less strange as time passes. Well I sure hope so anyway, because today was not good! I find it so hard to not take on the baggage, it's just what I do... not a good thing really. You are right ,she was really pushy and frankly quite harsh to me before. It's not a way I'd ever treat someone in that position... I'm doing my best to do the right thing by everyone- perhaps at times at my own expense, but I don't know any other way to do things. There are times where you can't please everyone , that was one of those times.

She actually contacted me a few minutes ago.. saying that I seem like a ghost to her now. I didn't really get into that too much other than saying I'm sorry she feels that way, and it's good to see her back at work again. I need space from her. If she wants to talk to me , that's okay- but I'm not going to initiate anything, it's not a good time for that at all!

Exercise is good in theory! It's funny - a lot of people going about the 'endorphins' etc. from exercise. I don't really notice that so much, but I do get quite cranky if I've done a big run. Maybe it's a case of being 'hangry' or something? I don't know! Maybe I'm just a cranky person.

I lent her several things, she's returned them with a letter, saying she deserves an explanation for what things are how they are. I'm really not sure what to say to that. I've really only just broken up with my ex, I don't fully understand what she expects from me? I feel absolutely horrible.

I feel like the air needs to be cleared at some point but I have no idea how to go about that. I don't feel strong enough to have that kind of conversation, certainly not after when she was angry at me before. It kind of scared me away. The sad thing is I that actually still have really strong feelings for her.

I don't mean to sound sorry for myself or weak, but today I just wish I could be left alone by both my ex and this work colleague. They both mean well but I feel like I'm being pulled to pieces by them.

Sometimes it all gets too much.

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hi Aaron

I am so sorry to hear that this whole work situation is causing you anxiety and stress, you really are in a tough situation with trying to heal from your breakup as well as managing this girl at work. You are most certainly not feeling sorry for yourself, this is all alot, and it is very overwhelming.

I agree with you in that the air does need to be cleared and you need to have a conversation with her, maybe not right now but I feel like perhaps she has feelings for you too and maybe just what you said in your message to me is perfect to say to her... "I've really only just broken up with my ex, I don't fully understand what she expects from me? I feel absolutely horrible". I think that is perfect and outlines exactly that you are healing, you are not ready for anything else, you do have some feelings for her but don't want to lead her on or hurt her..or you!

I think her letter and her returning things is her way to catch your attention and she most certainly has done that, I think she is perhaps a little confused too and may herself not know exactly how to communicate with you or how to let you know she has some feelings for you...but now is not the time!

I hear you loud and clear my friend and really feel how much this is hurting you and I am so sorry. You are an amazing human and you are doing so very well, even though at times it does not feel like it.

I think you might be right with the hangry thing...and that totally makes sense, you have just done a huge amount of exercise and need some refueling...you do not seem to me to be a cranky person at all..I know with my daughter she starts to get short and snappy and I think..hmm..you need to eat something..then she is fine..it is a thing tho!

Hope today is brighter and that you can get some sunshine into you.

Chat soon

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Thank you Sarah for your lovely reply

It's overwhelming. The breakup is horrible - that said I'm really glad we still talk and get along well. I have to try and be assertive and make sure I establish boundaries to not give the wrong idea. That's easier said than done, but I'm trying to do that. Having the work colleague debarkle happening at the same time is really difficult.

My work friend definitely has feelings for me, she's told me that. I have for her too, she knows that. She is putting a lot pressure on me. Personally I'd never pressure someone that I had feelings for when they've just broken up from a long term relationship with someone else. But that's me - I guess we are all different in that regard. That said, I understand her frustration too.

She's certainly confused and hurting. I really hate that I've caused that. I also see that how my ex is hurting. In hindsight I shouldn't have been weak and developed feelings for someone else, I shouldn't have let myself get in that situation. At the time I was so lonely, and for the last couple years at least had been lonely, basically being a carer in a relationship where nothing I did was really gratified. It's no excuse though.

I want to clear the air with my office friend but it's definitely not the time. I don't even know what to say or how to say it just yet...

Speaking of being hangry... I have a stash of sweet bisuits in my desk at work. It's basically a pantry!!
Yesterday was a hard day, but I did go for a run outside, there's a nice water reservoir reserve that you can run around, usually there's little wallabies etc. hanging around too. They're like the the support team as you're running! I did just under 10kms yesterday, all that anxiety and nervous energy was like rocket fuel.

I went for a nice walk at lunch time, it's warm and sunny today.

Tonight I'm catching up with my best friend - that will be a good distraction from everything else that's going on :-).

Hope your day has been going well Sarah 🙂

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Aaron

So sorry for the tardy reply today..

I hope that you had a fantastic evening catching up with your best friend, I am sure that you got to chat some things out with them too and get some support face to face.

You sound like you have an awesome office location that you can get out at lunch time and get some fresh air and a stunning scenery at the reservoir, that is great, just what you need really.

It is great that you are still talking with your ex and that you can keep it "pleasant" as you are both good people, just this relationship has expired and that is totally fine. You are doing so well and also seeing you are doing this whole double break up thing too, you are going through so very very much and I am so proud of how you are coping. Relationship break ups are so very bloody hard and some days feel like "yay I am over this" to be followed the next day with total devastation....there are no rules and unfortunately like we have said before, no manual to this.

You are doing every thing so very right to make the best outcome for yourself and I hope you can see how strong you are. I just wanted to say though to your comment about being "I shouldn't have been weak and developed feelings for her"...you were feeling so very lonely and you made a connection with someone who showed you some care and comfort. I don't think we chose to have feelings...feelings occur when something resonates with us, good or bad and I am not entirely sure that we chose them. You most certainly would not have chosen to develop feelings for someone else, you made a connection, feelings happened.

I am sure that the nervous energy was like a huge hit of adrenaline and that you were running like Forest Gump...good to get it out tho!

Hope so very much today is going well

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

I'm the one who should be apologising for the tardy reply! I'm sorry- I've been sick with a nasty cold. It hit me suddenly. What started as a little tickle in the back of my throat turned into a fever in the space of hours. I'm back at work today, not 100% but feeling okay. I think all the pressure and stress I've been under lately has taken its toll and probably contributed to me getting sick. Also, probably have been doing a bit too much running!

Tonight my plan is to have a good rest - maybe take car for spin but nothing more than that!
Seeing my ex tomorrow - but hoping to keep the visit on the shorter side as I'm finding it a bit draining. That probably sounds unkind - I still care about her deeply, but there's only so much talking over things one can do. You can't erase the past by talking it over a hundred times.

You're so right regarding break-ups - some days I feel okay, others I feel dreadful. Today I'm somewhere between okay and dreadful haha!

Still worried too about office girl - that's playing on my mind as well. I know I need to clear the air with her at some point but it's a tricky one, in that I'm still not even sure what to say. I don't like having matters unresolved if I can help it... but at the same time, it's pretty hard to state how you feel/what you want/etc. when you still have no idea at all! It's tricky when you have so much you want to say to someone but don't really have the means to say it.

That's very kind of you regarding me developing feelings for someone else-I don't feel good about it, but I was never my intention for that to happen. Office girl never meant for that to happen either. She was just being a good friend to me.

Today I'm drinking lots of hot drinks to keep this sore throat happy... I have some cough syrup that seems to be helping as well. Hard to talk on the phone when you are constantly feeling as if you're about to have a coughing fit!

Hope you're having a good day 🙂

Aaron