I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Aaron

I had to laugh at your comment that you would be going crazy if it wasn't for my help..you have done the work my friend, you are the one making the changes for you and making your future look brighter...you should feel so proud!

I hear 100% what you are saying that you are in a phase of doubting what happened and possibly questioning "was it really that bad, did that really happen like that?" and I have done that in the past too, and I think that is what writing a list of pros and cons can do is not only put things into perspective for you but also act as a gentle reminder that I did feel like that or that was actually said to me...we do get lost in the process of guilt and I can hear you are doing a bit of that now, which is totally "normal" for want of a better word. Especially too seeing you are the caring type you are questioning if " perhaps it will be different if we get back together, or was it really all one way and she never asked about me or my feelings?" Please do not feel like you are at fault here or this is "your fault" you are on a journey to try to manage the way you respond to her and I can see you doing this so feel good about that, it is going to take time and this is a huge step for you to try to push back and to tell her no or that is not what I want. It is a difficult thing to do and especially if you are like us and have struggled with people pleasing as we have/do. I am so happy to hear that you are doing the thinking of "well I am doing this and asking about her wellbeing but is she doing that for me?" and that is a huge step forward to be able to reflect on what you have not received in the past and address it, so awesome for doing that too.

Good job on the Melbourne trip I think you know what you want in that space, telling her sooner than later is a great idea too. Awesome that you have a friend to spend some time with here so that will be a little mini break for you as well as some good mental health time with your band and doing what you love. I know you are still questioning what is right for you but guess what...you will do that forever, noone I don't think has that mastered and that is the joy of life, and as you said you have learnt so much about people and about yourself, which is brilliant!

I have a confession..I have a whole bag of the Wasabi doritos at work today.....yum!

So far my day is going well, I am getting used to my new glasses, well wearing glasses...very strange!

Sarah 🙂

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Glad I made you laugh! I do mean it though -as funny as it sounds. I was feeling pretty loopy at times. I'm still not at the point where I necessarily feel that the future is looking brighter. I guess in short-term there's a lot of stuff I still need to deal with with that still not really nice, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm going to write a list of pros and cons. This is going to help sort out so much of the confusion I'm experiencing. When it's all swirling around in my head it's hard to make heads or tails out of anything. I am asking myself thinks such as ''was it that bad'' for example... objectively speaking, yes it was. That's the kind of think I have to hold myself to. I think loving someone that much can at times distort your perception of things. In many respects I should have left the relationship a long time ago, but that love kept me crawling back again and again.

The counsellor on the phone yesterday made a great point in regards to people getting back together after a break-up. He said to stop and think about what has changed between before and after. If you've changed that's good, or if they've changed that's good too - but if there's no change, you end up in the same situation all over again...

Time gigging with bands is good - tonight I'm working in an 18 piece big band -that will be fun. It's a most effective form of therapy. It forces me to stop overthinking about things.

Tonight I plan to leave work a bit early to have a run before my gig tonight - I think that will help put me in a better mental state to start thinking about pros/cons lists and such 🙂

I love that you at the whole bag!! I frequently eat entire packets of chocolate Teddy Bear biscuits at my desk... I have no self control sometimes!!

Glasses take a bit of time to get used to! I'm lucky I haven't had to wear them yet, but my Mum recently started wearing glasses - at the start she found it quite unpleasant but she is used to it now 🙂

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Sorry I should not have laughed at you, I can only imagine what this journey is doing to you and yes, loopy is probably the best way to describe it. These things are emotionally and mentally draining and I am sorry you have to go through this, but yes....loopy is understatement I am sure!

So happy to hear you are going to do the list, and you know what just purge too onto some paper and get it all out, doesn't have to make sense and it doesn't have to be for anyone but you, you may never read it again, but it feels amazing to dump it somewhere outside of your head. The list I think will just act as a gentle reminder that you had some real issues and that you are not making it up and that you were suffering in the relationship and that you were playing a carer and not a lover or partner. I totally agree with what you said about loving someone too, it so does distort your view and you take more that you should sometimes and that you think the love will save you or that your partner is only doing this or that out of love, it really isn't u step back and see it from another view point and go wow..that's not cool. I also hear you that it kept you "crawling" back when perhaps you should have left a long time ago, you know what..I said the same thing to myself when I left my marriage but you know what...you did what you needed to at the time, and the time for you to leave was now so please don't regret not doing it earlier, hindsight as we have said before is a wonderful thing!

WOW..an 18 piece big band, that is impressive...and I am so happy to hear that it gives you a break from your overthinking and some mental down time, that is so very important...and going for a big run too will also help you to get all "fresh" in your brain so you can enjoy your night. I wish I could run sometimes, I love the idea of it but just cant do it..lol

Yum I love chocolate teddy bear biscuits...well anything chocolate tbh...and when it comes to chocolate I am with you..no self control...which you know what....I don't care...lol

Yes the glasses are taking time to get used to but I am looking at least 10% smarter now..hahha..I did feel a bit sick yesterday but today is better, think it is like motion sickness.

I hope you have an awesome night with the Big Band and really get to have some fun and relax too.

I am getting over the fire in my mouth from the doritos....yes we ate more...

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

I'm glad I made you laugh! I really don't mind - sometimes it's good to have a laugh, even about an unpleasant situation. It's makes the experience that little bit less horrible if you can have a laugh. There's no doubting it's been draining but in the big picture this whole debacle is really a blip... will be glad when the blip finally finishes!

I didn't get around to list-writing last night, but I hope to do that today. I ran 8.5 kms after work, just getting all that nervous/anxious energy out. Then I gigged until 11:30pm or so. Just doing that though gave some clarity.I used to never exercise etc. I actually only started running because I was so convince my ex didn't find me attractive, so I thought if I became fitter she'd like me more. I now run for better reasons!

Had an interesting/worrying development re. the office colleague. When I first was talking with her, colleagues warned me that she some sort of 'femme fatale'. I had no reason to believe that at all, from what I knew/saw of her, she was more or less perfect to me. Turns out she recently asked my best friend (who is married with children!) out to see go out for a movie on Saturday night! He obviously isn't going and is not talking to her any more, but I feel completely confused about her now. Perhaps it was all smoke and mirrors? I may be seeing this all in the wrong way.

I feel particularly stupid right now because only last night after my gig, I dropped a letter in her letter box just saying that I'm worried about her, as I haven't seen her since last week, and hope she's okay. I feel a bit stupid now for doing that.

Not going to think about that stuff for now... it's kind of a side-issue that I don't need.

Today I'm just focusing on work, later having lunch with some old friends today- that'll be nice. Have another gig this evening, but that should be fun.

HAHA - those Doritos are a hit! Last night after my gig I enjoyed a MASSIVE bowl of hot chips. It was just what I needed 🙂

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hi Aaron

It is so good to have a laugh and if you can't laugh at yourself from time to time you go..well loopy! This experience is draining for you but I am so happy to hear that you are seeing it as a blip as you are right, in the scheme of things and how long you have been on this earth and how long you have left, it is a blip, but none the less it is a process and it is painful.

Nevermind about the writing bit you got to do some exercise and go for a run, wow, 8.5km's..I would need an ambulance! I am sooooo proud of you, I actually smiled when you said you run for other reasons now..YAY for you Aaron, this is awesome. People will love you for you, big, small, hairy, quirky..whatever and if they don't that is cool, they are not your person. I am so happy for you, your mindset is sure changing.

I just wanted to say about the interesting development with your work friend....office gossip can be so hurtful and so untrue, she may indeed be a "femme fatal" but she may very well not be. Your concern for her wellbeing is a credit to you and you must not feel silly for acting as your heart directs you. What you did was so very caring and nice and whether she is or she isn't does not change the fact she may be off work due to mental health but you have thought about her and written a note. You have acted in line with your integrity and that says so much about you. I would not get caught up in office semantics....they are usually wrong and fueled by people with other agendas. I agree tho, put that over to one side now and look after you.

Great you are having some lunch with some friends, that is always good and so nice you are reconnecting with people who you may not have seen for awhile, good one!

In other news those doritos are bad news and I could possibly be addicted..lol...yum..hot chips..I could kill a bowl of them now...with gravy...ohhhhh...makes me feel happy just thinking about it, so glad you enjoyed them!

Great, now I have hot chips on the brain!

Chat soon

S

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Being able to laugh at yourself is so important! I'd really hate to be one of those people who take themselves too seriously. I think a sense of humour really helps in gaining a healthy sense of perspective of things.

I felt positively knackered after that run! That said, it was really good to get all that fresh air. This must be what dogs feel like when they are sticking their heads out of the car window. I was convinced for so long that I must be super unattractive looking, that would explain why my ex didn't really want to be intimate with me. To try and remedy that situation I tried to get fit. Now I like running and exercise because it is good for my mental health and general well-being.

Office gossip is THE WORST. I hate it! I really try and stay out of that. Their comments I really didn't put any weight to. I have never at any point saw anything about her that suggested she's a femme fatale or anything remotely like that. If anything she was so open, warm and sincere. That's what drew me to her. I was (and am) very concerned that's she's been away from work so long.

I was going to contact her sooner, but I didn't think she'd want to hear from me. Last night I thought I should just write her a letter and put it in the letterbox, she should know at least that I care and am worried for her. Whether things change with her or not isn't really relevant to anything at this stage. I do feel sad that things have turned out the way they have, but again, it's not really something I can control. I just have to accept it for now.

Just back from lunch with some friends. We call ourselves 'Schnitzel Club'. Our main activity is going out for lunch and eating... you guessed it... Schnitzel! They're really nice people from a previous workplace. Really genuine, sincere friends. I'm lucky to have them.

Those doritos sound dangerous! Tonight I have to some groceries, will try and get a packet as I'm curious to try them!

I was playing at the Casino with the Big Band last night - there's a restaurant in there that do some really nice chips. They were just what I needed at the end of a very long day :-).

[Aaronsis]

Hi A

I hear you loud and clear, I am literally the class clown and it is what usually gets me through the day, you just have to laugh. You are very funny too and I did visualize the dog hanging out the window, with their mouth all full of air and flapping..hilarious!

That really makes me feel sad though that you felt you were that unattractive that you resorted to trying to change so much so your partner would want to be intimate with you, that must have been so hard for you and I cant even begin to imagine how much anxiety that comes with, that is really tough. I know this experience with your work friend has left you feeling confused and struggling with how it has all turned out, but there is that one thing that I hope you can see is that women do find you attractive, you are able to relate and clearly there was something between you. Not great timing but it happened and you were/are of interest to her.

Yes office gossip, the root of all evil...and it can be really damaging too which is not fair and not nice, I really try to stay clear of all of that mess too. Just takes unnecessary energy out of you. Like I said before too, it mostly isn't even true!

I want to join the "Schnitzel Club"..yum..apart from parmas is there anything better than schnitzel...and even better that you can eat it with some awesome people, sounds like you had a great lunch break.

That is so funny that you are going to try the doritos, be warned they are totally addictive and I will not be able to help you through that as I am in need of help there too...lol

Ohh at the Casino that is really cool, it sounds like it was a great night. My son plays drums, saxaphone and bass guitar so there is alot of music in our house too, he would love to see something like that....I should think about taking him to something. But yes..those chips would have been the perfect end to a great night....yum.

I am thinking about some lamb cutlets for dinner, I have a lazy $500 to spend on meat...lol..but they too are super yummy.

Are you playing at the Casino next month here in Melbourne? That would be something, they have so many really cool things on and the place is huge! What an experience!

S

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

I'm a bit of a clown at times too - it's really what keeps me sane. My day job gets hard at times, being able to laugh things off really helps! I really did feel like a dog in a car when I was running... I probably accidentally ate a coupe of bugs flying in the air too!!

It was/is a really bad situation. I was trying to make sense of why she had no interest in me in a romantic way. To try and help this situation, I'd do things for her, buy things, basically give as much as I could. That partially created that carer/patient relationship. In the meantime I was convinced that there was physically something abnormal or wrong about me. In regards to the anxiety and depressed feelings I had, I thought that was a malfunction of sorts too... I thought I had some sort of OCD problem or something. My ex would always brush off my concerns or attempt to talk about things by telling me that I was just being silly, or it's because I didn't have enough sleep , or was being unreasonable or neurotic. I just believed her. Why wouldn't I? I placed her on a pedestal and thought the world of her... everything she said I'd believe.

I'm starting to realise I didn't really have to worry about any of those things. That said there's a lot of baggage there still but I'm sure with time it'll get better.

The Schnitzel Club is great! Was quite a big lunch compared to what I usually have, so I did feel rather sleepy afterwards. Good food and good company, it's hard to beat that combination 🙂

Your son is very talented! I've always wanted to learn saxophone - I actually play trombone and piano accordion as well as guitar, but have spent a long time listening to saxophone players. I'm sure there's lots of good music where you are! Here in Hobart there isn't heaps, but I'm lucky to get as much work as I get. When I go to play in Melbourne, I'll probably check the casino out while I'm there.

$500 on meat?! that's a budget and a half! Lamb cutlets are delicious. I'll probably skip dinner after the huge lunch. That said I have a pack of Oreos in the car, I might devour them later on haha!

I'm looking forward to seeing Melbourne, it's been about 10 years since I last was there. I'm nervous about driving in the city but I'm sure I'll be okay... just gotta learn about those hook turns!

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Happy Friday Aaron

Hearing you talk about your relationship and all the things you have gone through, being the carer, addressing all the things you used to do for her, buying her things, busting your guts to be fitter in order to be more attractive, then on top of that the fact you could not talk to her about these things and getting brushed off and made to feel like you were abnormal or that there was something physically wrong with you..it makes me realize how far you have come...can you see it too?

You have been able to pull out all the really hurtful and hard stuff and put it here and address it and you know what, that is never going to happen to you again as you will not let it, you are so very aware of who you are and what you want now and that is so very powerful. I feel so excited for you that you have really been on a massive self discovery tour and are coming out the other side knowing so much about yourself, what you want, what you don't want...I am so very proud of you. I was so happy to read that you feel like you dont have to worry about alot of these things anymore, how refreshing for you.

I think you will be so surprised when you come to Melbourne to see that guess what...alot of the hook turns dont exsist anymore!!! Yay i hear you say...it is so much better and alot less stressful too...

My son is pretty talented and I feel very proud of him and his ability to play musically instruments, it is so very clever and makes people so happy, you are doing that too....we do have so many good venues and clubs that we can see live music here and it really is a great place to live, I love Melbourne, although there are many beautiful places all over Australia, we are so very lucky to live in such a great country.

Hope those oreos were yummy....I mean really..as if they weren't Sarah!!!!

Hope you have some fun and happy stuff planned for the weekend and take some time for you....

Did I mention it is Friday....yay!

S

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Having a really hard time fighting that carer's instinct....

I just spoke to my ex - I've been checking in on to make sure she's okay (again that's that carer instinct coming out again). Today she has an RDO. She has spent most of the day in bed, hasn't been eating properly - basically living on baked beans or instant noodles. I've suggested to her already that there's free telephone counselling services that could be of help ... she has no interest in that. I guess I'm frustrated because I can't make her help herself.

I feel absolutely sick inside with guilt and worry. 😞