I Don't Even Know Anymore...

[BenignSky]

Hey, guys,
I've been drifting around in the social sector of Beyond Blue but decided to post on here. The title really says it all. I'm unsure of everything and anything.
My name is Emily (or Em or any other nickname you wanna call me) and I'm fifteen years old, yes I'm still a baby. I don't really know what's going on with me, but I can tell you, I've been through a lot. From bullying, body image issues, sexual assault twice, friendship issues, online issues, relationship issues, losing loved ones, random and so few panic attacks, self harm and what I can only describe as an eating disorder yet not professionally diagnosed - I've had a good share of what life has to offer.
My issue, at the moment, is this. My friend (A) was dating this girl (B). B, had been lying about some serious issues, a lot of which I've had experience with. It is believed that B isn't telling the truth and for good reason, but there must be a reason for the lies - right? Anyway, A and B broke up a few weeks ago and A made this group chat online with my friendship group for support because he was all over the place. Anyway, basically it turned into a place to plan attacks on his ex girlfriend. I'm not like that. So, me being me, went and said something to a teacher because I can't let something like that happen. Like, yeah, she did something horrible but at the same time, she doesn't deserve to get treated like that. Word has gotten back to my friends that I told the teachers and now I'm about to lose everyone so today is fun.
I get it was a bad move on my half, and pretty disloyal to my friends, but my morals will always win.
And bloody hell, now random people are messaging me and I've made a right mess of myself.
And I'm gonna lose everyone that I care about and I'm gonna be alone again and I'm frustrating more and more people. I'm awesome at relationships, did I mention that? Seriously, all my friends are avoiding me now.
Why do I do this to myself, argh...
And this is one of the many reasons I hate myself.
It's taking me so long to write this post because I'm dealing with it as we speak.
There's so much more I wanted to say on here but my life has just been consumed by this...dark cloud known as social media and loneliness. I went against my parent's advice by bringing this up with my teachers when I should've just left it but I didn't want to be involved and I can't let bullying happen, especially when I know B isn't coping.
Why do I do this to myself?

[BballJ]

Hi BenignSky,

It's quite amazing how our emotions can do a 360 degree turn before we even know it, I deal with that a lot, can be having a great day and then something will trigger my anxiety and over thinking and I'm down in the dumps again and feeling sorry for myself. It's a tough cycle to break.

You seem to have a lot to offer people but one thing I have learnt is many people are just caught up in their own life and don't realise a good person when they're around them. When you put someone else first so much it's almost becomes expected of you, crazy right? but that's I guess how some peoples minds work.

One thing I want to point out is you will meet many different people in your life at different times and you never know who you will click with but the thing is you have to be true to yourself cause you will eventually meet people who will appreciate that stuff about you.

Keep your head up.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

hi there em

allow me to reply to your posts haha

I think a vital part of growing up is realising our faults as much as our qualities.

It sounds like what you've been going through is somewhat reminiscent of what ive experienced in the past month. One thing that has got me through this time is remembering that tough times are temporary.

Im a fan of metaphors so ill use one of a hurricane. Imagine that the rough patch you are in atm is a hurricane, you are getting forced back by galeforce winds and its battering you about. However there is still a calm in the eye of the storm.. when it passes over you its a chance to ready yourself for the next lot of wind that will come by. But the whole hurricane will leave at some point. Remember that.

Also, from what I've gathered you are a very heartfelt person. You care very deeply about those you connect with and this a good quality. There are lessons to be learned however. I speak from experience when i say you must learn to let go with some people. Its not an easy thing to do friend, but it must be done. But better that you need to learn how to cut away than build up. You cant fake real emotions.

Stay strong kiddo. You're gonna be alright

[BenignSky]

I give up on people, and I give up on myself. I get hated and yelled at for being myself and being empathetic and caring, so I'm just going to become boring and placid and never talk about myself and only contact people if they contact me because I'm so sick of being let down and forgotten and I'm so sick of always making the effort and I'm sick of people lying and I'm sick of hurting people when my intentions are pure and good. I'm just so annoying to everyone and I wish, I wish, I wish my mind would shut up. For just a bloody minute would it be quiet. Just one minute. I just want peace.

Why is it so hard?

Sorry if there's typing mistakes, my wrist that I injured? Yeah, saw my chiropractor who studied as a physio and basically, I've had bones out of place, ligament damage and major swelling in my joints so my hand is also bandaged up and stuff.

I feel like I'm not meant to have friends. I'm not meant to have people in my life. Im not meant to be seen or be with or loved or needed or wanted or to care or to be there. I think I'm meant to be invisible, I am meant to be disposable, I am meant to vanish into the background.

It gets so tiring. You just hate waking up, you hate having to think and put up with yourself. You hate having to calm yourself down, you hate being in pain every day.

Everything I do is wrong. I can't do anything right. I do't know why people hate me so much. I don't know why I'm not good enough. I'm tired of people telling me I'm not trying, or 'try harder'. I give everything I have to any task or person and it's just never enough.

[HamSolo01]

hey there em

sounds like you are in a tough spot at the moment hey?

here's something you once told me:

"It's cruel, what we do to ourselves; we often forget all the good inside us. It's weird, you know, how we can convince ourselves that we are nothing."

Evidently you know this truth. It's as clear as day.

You are simply in a rough patch at the moment and your deepest anxieties come to prominence. This happens to us all when we have mental health to deal with.

Just remember that you are a good, decent, loveable and fantastic human. Why? Because you are a human being. Simple. You have a soul like all of us do. You are uniquely you.

I remember this quote from somewhere:

"The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds."

In other words.... how unique are you? VERY. It's fantastic that you are here on earth existing and living.

Though it hurts now, remember that it is temporary.

Remember that post I made on my thread about the fable of the ring? "This too shall pass"

Hang in there kiddo. You got a lot to live for 🙂 you are trying your hardest and it takes time. Hang in there because you are getting better day by day.

Remember that when a bone breaks it heals back stronger than before. Each little time your own world breaks, it rebuilds itself stronger than it was before.

Onwards and upwards remember?

🙂

[BballJ]

Hi BenignSky,

Believe me, I was at a similar spot when I was your age, I felt like everything was against me, I felt like no one liked me at all and all I ever did or wanted to do was be nice to people and be a good friend... I honestly believe it gets better as we get older, once we and the people around us mature. It is different for everyone of course but it does get better, holding onto that can bring strength. You have a good support network here and we want to see you doing better.

My best,

Jay

[james1]

Hey Em,

You said something about wishing that your mind would just be quiet. Do you have any techniques for when your mind is racing like that?

I like to turn to music if I can. I created a "distressed" playlist which was full of songs I could play when I was feeling a little out of control.

James

[BenignSky]

Hello to all,

I just wanted to say thank you for all who replied and offered their support and advice, and continue to still do that now, even through my absence. I also wanted to apologise for my rudeness and lack of response to people. I am eternally grateful for all you guys have offered.

[BballJ]

Hi BenignSky,

It is ok, we all get busy, we do hope you have been doing well, we are here if you need to chat.

My best,

Jay

[james1]

Hey Em,

Like Jay said, we're here if you need to chat. We understand that sometimes people take a break from the forums whether because they are busy or really stressed, so we did not see your absence as rude or anything. It's okay.

James

[BenignSky]

A lot has happened during my absence. I'm so tired and it's only start of term. I just want to cuddle with someone and fall asleep; not in a romantic way either, just someone.

Speaking of romance, I've given up on it.