I Don't Even Know Anymore...

[BenignSky]

Hey, guys,
I've been drifting around in the social sector of Beyond Blue but decided to post on here. The title really says it all. I'm unsure of everything and anything.
My name is Emily (or Em or any other nickname you wanna call me) and I'm fifteen years old, yes I'm still a baby. I don't really know what's going on with me, but I can tell you, I've been through a lot. From bullying, body image issues, sexual assault twice, friendship issues, online issues, relationship issues, losing loved ones, random and so few panic attacks, self harm and what I can only describe as an eating disorder yet not professionally diagnosed - I've had a good share of what life has to offer.
My issue, at the moment, is this. My friend (A) was dating this girl (B). B, had been lying about some serious issues, a lot of which I've had experience with. It is believed that B isn't telling the truth and for good reason, but there must be a reason for the lies - right? Anyway, A and B broke up a few weeks ago and A made this group chat online with my friendship group for support because he was all over the place. Anyway, basically it turned into a place to plan attacks on his ex girlfriend. I'm not like that. So, me being me, went and said something to a teacher because I can't let something like that happen. Like, yeah, she did something horrible but at the same time, she doesn't deserve to get treated like that. Word has gotten back to my friends that I told the teachers and now I'm about to lose everyone so today is fun.
I get it was a bad move on my half, and pretty disloyal to my friends, but my morals will always win.
And bloody hell, now random people are messaging me and I've made a right mess of myself.
And I'm gonna lose everyone that I care about and I'm gonna be alone again and I'm frustrating more and more people. I'm awesome at relationships, did I mention that? Seriously, all my friends are avoiding me now.
Why do I do this to myself, argh...
And this is one of the many reasons I hate myself.
It's taking me so long to write this post because I'm dealing with it as we speak.
There's so much more I wanted to say on here but my life has just been consumed by this...dark cloud known as social media and loneliness. I went against my parent's advice by bringing this up with my teachers when I should've just left it but I didn't want to be involved and I can't let bullying happen, especially when I know B isn't coping.
Why do I do this to myself?

[BballJ]

Hi BenignSky,

Instead of focusing on some of the negatives, has anything positive happened in your break from the forums? I am big on staying positive and talking about positive stuff is always good.

My best,

Jay

[BenignSky]

So I lowkey kinda forgot about this...even though life hasn't been so great.

I've reconnected with a mutual friend who's on exchange in Sweden (and who I've unfortunately had feelings for since I started talking to him) and we've been getting on really well. It's amazing you know, how you fast you can connect with someone you've never met. He's really cool, but he's playing me. I'm just going along with it because it's better than nothing.

Almost ruined my chances of Germany. Go me.

I am going to Hawaii and cruising back to Australia next year though.

Life has been hella weird. I don't know what to make of anything. I'm so confused. But I'm a lot more...settled than what I was.

Hm...

[HamSolo01]

Hey there Em

Nice to hear from you again

It's okay to forget about this. The whole point of the forums in the very first place is to use the advice and pointers that people give you and take them out into in the real world.

I have done the same lately. Although I have been on the SANE forums a bit too.

I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life here but when you say "He's really cool, but he's playing me. I'm just going along with it because it's better than nothing" it's a little disconcerting. If you know that he is playing you then it's best to avoid I would think. If you believe that this guy is playing you then surely it's best to move on from it? I'm not sure.

What happened with Germany? (all good if you do not want to share it)

Hawaii sounds great ! especially on a cruise

"Life has been hella weird. I don't know what to make of anything." Oh yep! I concur. Life often is. I think the more we try to make sense of anything the more confused we get... I've started to see this in my own life rather frequently.

All the best with everything though Em. Good to hear from you 🙂

[BballJ]

Hi BenignSky,

That is nice that you connected with someone. Anything that brings some happiness into your life I believe should always be welcomed.

It's good you are settled to a degree and great to read you are also going on a holiday to Hawaii, that is awesome, I would love to visit that place one day... it looks so relaxing.. great way to clear the mind.

My best,

Jay

[BenignSky]

Hey Mitch,

Yeah, it's probably best to move on, but the things is, we are really good friends, it just bites when he tells me about all these beautiful girls he knows and who he likes and what his perfect girl is and I am far from it. A quote, from this lovely boy; "All the beautiful 15 year olds are taken and everyone who is beautiful is two years older." I just responded back with "I mustn't be beautiful then, lol." then I tried playing it off. He knows I like him, I told him, I'm not ashamed of it, but that just hurt. I showed him pictures from when I was younger and he said I was cute and stuff like that and that he "hopes I haven't changed a bit in four years". It just bites. He says he wants a girl to love him and treat him nice and I'm here, giving him everything I can and all my love, yet he doesn't see it - because I don't fit his criteria for appearance.

Why is it that the good, sweet and genuine people are the ones who get screwed over because they don't fit that stupid stereotype of what society thinks men and women should look like? It breaks my heart, it really, really, really does...

Germany I just messed up with my parents (too long a story) and I was full on expecting to have that opportunity taken away from me, but thankfully I was given one last chance, and my act has been picked up and cleaned up and I'm like brand new. Only five months left.

And yeah, haha, I've done it before. It's fun. It's after my exchange so hopefully I'll be more confident and won't depend on my brother who will then by 19, to help me meet people.

It was good to hear from you too.

[BenignSky]

Hi, Jay,

I do welcome him, I really do, I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong, why no one has feelings for me, why I'm not good enough etc etc. It confuses me, and I'm trying to let it go and I thought I could just have a fling but it turns out I can't. I was an idiot for thinking someone as incredible and gorgeous as him would have any sort of feeling or attraction towards someone like me.

Yeah, Hawaii is pretty...away from all the city and hustle and bustle. It's so popular. We did a whole island tour and I'd recommend that and staying away from Honolulu or Waikiki (which is the Gold Coast on steroids as my mum like to say).

Em

[james1]

Hey Em,

I'm sorry to hear you feel really hurt by this friendship. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there and I'm really glad to hear that you told him how you feel. That's the only way people can know and, if the attraction is mutual, something could come out of it.

You said you don't understand what you're doing wrong. We can see you're trying so hard and putting so much time and effort into this and being happy with yourself so others can be happy with you. And you're not doing anything wrong. The people you've met haven't asked you out because they haven't asked you out. It's not your deficiency. They just weren't relationships that was meant to happen.

But there will be others.

So even though it feels so lonely like you're the only one that nobody wants, the truth is very different. The majority of people at 15 haven't had a true relationship. A fling is a fling. You won't feel any more wanted than you are now. Often it leaves people feel used and unwanted.

You said you're good friends with this guy from Sweden. That's super awesome. Love can be shared amongst friends as well.

Another story:

I broke up with my long term (4 years) girlfriend. She said she loved me but wasn't in love with me. Do you know whose love I could count on then? The love of my friends who cared about me. I was blind to it at the time and didn't want their love. I wanted my ex. But they persisted, and they are still my friends now. My ex is not.

Do you enjoy speaking to your friend in Sweden? What common interests do guys like to talk about?

James

[BenignSky]

Hey, James

So, I just helped the guy I like get into a relationship with the girl he has been head over heels with. Last night. She likes him too. She's in Finland, my friend in Sweden. It breaks my heart but at least I know where I stand, and we had a really long conversation about it because obviously I was upset. He apologised for leading me on, and admitted that part of it was his fault, and I appreciate that. It just really hurts. He said if he were back in Melbourne, he would have gone for me because I was so upfront with how I feel towards him, it was just that the timing was wrong. He's hinted at stuff that when he gets back something might happen but I don't know. He said he can't do long distance but he's never met this girl he likes. Funny, isn't it?

I try really hard to be pretty, to be nice, to be happy and caring and loving and not clingy and to give people space and to be interesting and ask about others but...I don't know. I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong seeing as I'm willing to give someone everything I have, yet everyone is settling for less than that. It confuses me, and it just breaks my heart.

My brother met his girlfriend of three years at 15. A couple in my year level have been going out for two years, and another girl had been dating her ex boyfriend for just under two years. Everyone has been getting into relationships or at least having a fling. I want that. Flirting makes me feel appreciated in a weird way.

I'm sorry to hear about your girlfriend...*hugs*. Funny enough, Jordan has been hella busy so I've barely spoken to him at all for the past few weeks, but today he told me he's sorry for being so busy and made a video of him singing a song he wrote for me. I've never felt so happy, or so grateful. He's my first friend to ever do anything like that for me. It shows me he cares.

- Em

[HamSolo01]

Hey there Em, I noticed you had posted as I was browsing the forums today so I thought I would drop by again.

I'm really sorry to hear how badly hurt you are over this guy. I've always believed that the ache in the heart we get when things like this happen can make us stronger and they form us into who we are as humans. We are all human in the end and in need of love and devotion.

In my albeit limited experience in the world of romance and dating I have fallen for the wrong people and the right people. The right people are the harder ones to get past. The wrong people I can move on from because we were not compatible. I remember one telling me that mental health wasn't really 'a thing'. Another was definitely the right girl but I left it way too long until she was with another guy. Luckily we are still great friends. Another one was in a music group at uni and I liked her and let it accidentally slip at the wrong time. She now has someone else in her life and I have seen so on facebook. I tried tinder last year and met a really sweet girl who had a lot in common and i thought she was cute. I was a nervous wreck and failed horribly on the date. It ended there. I tried it again and met one girl but it glitched and deleted her.. I tried it again and left it too long to ask another out.....

My point in sharing all that? to let you know that you are not alone when it comes to the confusion of love and heartache. I know EXACTLY what you mean about seeing people around you developing relationships. It's the worst. But we must remember not to personalise other people's lives onto ourselves. We do that and we end up making it worse.

It's evident you are pretty, nice, caring and considerate. Never question that ever. It's simply a case of fate. Your day will come Em. Rest assured.This theme is something I'm writing about in the book I'm making before finishing uni. It's something that stirs all of us deep within. It's a human thing.It does suck and it does hurt. But that's okay.

I also remember how love can spring up in strange places. When you don't expect it. It's pure chance that my folks were on the same tour in the 80s and they met there. They fell in love and are still together. My grandparents met at work and my grandma called off an engagement to marry my grand dad... so love does exist. It's just a matter of it finding you.

Take care Em. Onwards and upwards kiddo 🙂

[BenignSky]

Hey, Mitch,

I'm sorry that that happens to you, a lot by the sounds of it, but honestly, someone good is going to come along and it will work out. You're lucky to have even had a chance with loving someone, or trying. It's better than nothing, isn't it? Maybe I'm mistaken, I don't know; I mean, what DO I know, seeing as I'm a fifteen year old who knows absolutely nothing.

I don't even know why but tonight I'm crying. I dunno. I can't explain it.

I'm confused; I'm a really straight forward person when it comes to love (or feelings). If I know that my feelings won't go away any time soon, and I've liked you for a good few months, I just generally come out and say it and go "Oh well" if I mess up my friendship with someone. Most of the time people are pretty good and just ignore it and we brush it under the carpet and my feelings are forgotten (like always). I pour my heart and soul out to these people I like/have feelings for whatever it is you wanna call it; and it's like no one cares. No one cares, no one cares, no one cares. They just go "Oh, thanks" and leave me looking like an idiot. I don't like playing around and having my heart messed with because a guy "is unsure" or "is testing the waters" to "see who he likes best" (which has happened more than once). You know what's even funnier? Is that the people I like always complain about how badly people have treated them and how they want companionship; I offer it, a few days/a week later, they have someone and they're in love and I'm left with my heart in their hands and I play along because I don't wanna lose them or a piece of my heart. It's the third time my heart has been broken this year; the third bloody time. Every single time, there was someone better. Someone prettier.

How can you get along with someone so well that it's like you've known each other forever, yet there is not an ounce of attraction, not one bit. I just feel like I'm a friend to everyone. I'm sick of being a friend, I don't want to watch everyone else grow and develop and love without me; I want o be apart of it too, I want to have my chance. I'm tired of waiting, of feeling more isolated and ugly and worthless because every time I've tried I've been shot down. i just want a chance to prove that I can be good to someone, that I'm worth a fight, that I will drop anything for the person I love to make sure they are happy and safe and feel worthy.

I wish someone would say cute things about me, you know?

Em