I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

[Emmy.]

I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.

So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).

2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!

Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).

Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.

Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.

It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.

I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.

[Emmy.]

Just sad that people don’t seem to understand me.

My psychiatrist tells me I use the word “sad” too much. I need to learn more emotions. Not just happy and sad. Perhaps I feel disappointed that people don’t try to understand me. Wonder if that’s a better emotion to use.

What seems easy for everyone else I'm actually really pushing myself hard to do. Not that I want praise or anything.

Oh I don’t know what I’m trying to say.

Just maybe for others to take the lead sometimes and it shouldn’t all fall onto me when I’m actually only just keeping my head above water. And everyone else, they are there easily floating on the surface.

But its arrogant of me to think that I matter. To think they should make the effort.

Sometimes I wish I could be my true self when around others not just what they want me to be.

Sorry Narelle probably totally confused you. Lol. Thanks for asking xx

[Music_Freak]

Not arrogant at all!

Everything shouldn't be up to you. I so know how you're feeling - I went through the same thing with my dad and sister.

I said to my psychologist once “I'm drowning but all I get from my family are anchors”

[Chloe_M]

Hey Em. How are you feeling now? Here if you need me xx I'm by your side, holding your hand 💞

Narelle you will begin to realise that there are a lot more little and/or materialistic things that make you happy. When you discover them, add them to your list. What do you write fan fic about?

have a good sleep everyone 😴

Chloe x

[Emmy.]

Feeling empty actually. Scary how quickly our moods can change.

[Chloe_M]

Yes, scary indeed. Do you know what triggered this sudden change in temperament? I was saying on Grandy's thread that anything can trigger you- my triggers are sounds, smells, certain colour combinations, specific people's voices, phrases, things that remind me of traumatic and also happy things in my past that no longer belong to me. It can happen so fast *click* we are curled in a ball on the floor. Then all of a sudden *click* we are on top of the world 🌏

Hope you get a good nights sleep and feel better in the morning.

Chloe❤️💛💚💙💜

[Emmy.]

I’m yet to work out my triggers but yeah can be pretty much anything I think.

[Emmy.]

Wrote this ...

HER MASK

She slowly puts her mask back on,
Knowing they want her illness gone.
It is easier to play pretend,
Be someone they can comprehend.

The game continues around she goes,
She plays her part, she never slows.
Relieved her true self not discovered,
They do believe she has recovered.

But the mask grows heavy from the tears she's cried,
Too many emotions it's had to hide.
No longer does she want to play,
She cannot do this for another day.

They find her body she is no more,
A note beside her on the floor.
"I'm sorry that I cannot be,
the person that you want from me."

Same words repeated, “I thought she was fine,
If only there had been some sort of sign”.
Had someone just seen past that disguise.
It may not have ended in her demise.

[Emmy.]

PS poem is heavy but I am good. Just wanted to share it though.

[Music_Freak]

Wow...totally hit a nerve with me - I can so relate to these words

[Sapphire_]

Wow Emmy. That poem.. it hit me right in the heart. "Im sorry i cannot be, the person that you want from me." This is how i am feeling and struggling so bad with atm. Its hard to pretend all the time. That poem is deep in my soul.

💙Sapphire