I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

[Emmy.]

I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.

So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).

2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!

Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).

Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.

Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.

It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.

I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.

[Emmy.]

Hi SN. Outcome of appointment was what I imagined it was going to be... not great, but at least I’m working on me being healthy. That’s got to be the main thing right. Thanks so much for checking how it went. Xx

[smallwolf]

Emmy,

When you are bored you can come over to my thread and read about my appointment today. As a recent convert (very broadly speaking) to the world of anti-depressants, my new motto is to take each day one day at a time. Some days are good, others not so. Most importantly I trust my professionals, that is my GP, psychologist and next week, introducing a psychiatrist to look after me.

One day at a time.

Smallwolf.

[Emmy.]

Sorry it’s taken me a while to reply Mandy. Suddenly started freaking out about the doctors last night.

With the restaurant I only do the accounts. I find being in the restaurant a little too much for me since anxiety came along. Lol. It’s funny how much confidence you lose isn’t it. I use to be a strata manager and manage over 100 building. I use to come home and going into the restaurant and help out (on phones and cash register). Now I don’t do anything. It’s a bit soul crushing isn’t it. The before and the after.

Terriers are lovely dogs. I wanted to get a west highland white terrier once but we had indoor rabbits so that wouldn’t of worked hehe. My dogs breed is Havanese (type of Bichon). I won’t be offended if you say you don’t know that breed lol - most people don’t 😉 I should of realised Charli was a girl cause of the spelling. Silly me.

Sorry to hear you’ve lost important people in your life 😞 it’s hard losing anyone but when they’re young - that’s just not fair. Do you talk with your psychologist about them.

Thanks for saying I’m not broken. One thing I’ve considered it that perhaps because I’ve found the love of my life I can be broken. Finally with someone that I can be my true self. And he’s so supportive with helping me piece myself back together.

How have you been hun? Will come check out your thread tonight. Xx

[Sapphire_]

Hi Emmy.

Im sorry to intrude. Your title drew me in. Inspiring.

I just wanted to say I can relate to some of your story. I have yet to have children and possily never will. Im not sure how you feel about children but its wrecked my life not being a mum.

I know what you mean about depression vs laziness. I actually posted about it today on someones thread. Cant remember where. Everything is such and effort. Im the same with the shower. If i have one (im a stage where i just dont have the will to leave my room) i do the basic necessities. Cleanser and moisturiser hasnt been touched in months even though i look at it and its right infront of mt face. If i do cleaning i go straight back to bed because im exhausted in all aspects. Sorry over share.

Im also greatful to have a wee dog who is my life. I dont know where i would be without her. She is a Maltese Shihtzu. Knows all my moods. Never leaves my sides.

Better go can hear hubby coming.

Have a good night

💙Sapphire

[Emmy.]

I won’t be bored ... I’ll want to see how you’re doing smallwolf. Sorry I’d not yet replied to your earlier message yet.

[Guest8901]

Hi Emmy. Not a problem at all about not replying sooner. I read your posts this morning and was fully aware that you had a big day ahead of you with your GP appointment. I really did understand because I had an apt with my psych today as well. One which has been put off twice before due to my husbands hospitalisation and being away from home. My psych has been supervising me since my own hospitalisation a couple of months ago now. She monitors me pretty closely since then, and even though I havent seen her the last few weeks, she keeps in contact with me.

Yes, you're right ... I had not previously heard of a Havanese breed of dog. However I googled it and can see that they look to be a lovely little dog somewhere between 5 and 8kgs. Affectionate, companionable, gentle, intelligent, playful and responsive in temperament. He sounds gorgeous. And very interesting that they are the National dog of Cuba.

Yes the young people I have lost was a pre-teen close relative and a 23 yo boyfriend when I was 20. Both to car accidents. Shock and heartache which you just never forget.

You are so lucky Emmy to have found such a loving and supportive partner. It makes a huge difference. And yes, to feel secure enough to just be yourself certainly indicates true love. Between you, you'll become whole again.

How am I? I've been holding things together now for a month, and now that some of the pressure is finally off, I seem to be falling apart. Physically and mentally. But enough about me, this is your thread.

I am so pleased to hear that you were very open and upfront with your GP regarding your mental health status. I think its important, though very hard to do obviously. In some ways its probably made more difficult because it sounds like your GP is almost a family friend, as opposed to merely your GP. But its great that you were so honest with him and I'm sure it will pay dividends that he is fully aware of all issues, and not just your physical health. Everything is closely entwined, physical and mental health, and both equally as important. So well done.

Mandy

[Emmy.]

Hi Sapphire. You’re most welcome here. Not intruding at all.

I use to always want 4 kids when I was younger. Then the realities of life gets in the way. I think I thought I’d be sadder but I just don’t think I’d be a fit Mum due to my MI. The main thing is I feel I’ve let my husband down. Have you not had children due to your MI also, or other reasons. I’m not sure of your age but there may still be time.

Its hard when the little things in life becomes so hard isn’t it. Does your husband support you? I don’t know how to get the energy or interest back. Wish I knew the secret.

Aaww dogs are the best aren’t they. I’d be lost without my little guy. Do you have a thread of your own? I’ll come and say hi.

Thanks for your message. X

[Sapphire_]

Hi Emmy.

I turn 33 this year. I have infertility caused by a couple of physical health problems. I always wanted 2-3 children. It has made me into a bitter woman tbh. Always thought i was meant to be a mum. I've even tried for adoption and that fell through. I was only diagnosed last year with depression and anxiety so MI hasnt been a factor up til now. Atm im glad i dont have kids but on the other hand maybe if i did i wouldnt be like this.

Hubby is supporting most of the time. He doesnt understand why i stay in the bedroom all day. I dont think he understands much of any of it.

Sapphire

[Emmy.]

Sorry to hear of your infertility Sapphire. Would you try again with adoption? I imagine the process must be quite involved though. Have you considered fostering at all? I have a friend who’s fostered two brothers and she is a permanent foster carer and it’s gone through the courts and she will have them until they’re 18 (so essentially adopting them). Just a thought. I can understand that you feel you’ve become bitter as a result of not being able to have children. Life can be so unfair hey. I just wish I knew why.

It’s hard for our partners to grasp the level of despair we feel. One thing that I found helped was on Pinterest (not sure if you’ve heard of it) there’s articles where people have written letters to their husbands explaining the turmoil they’re experiencing. I sent some of the articles to my husband - as I find it hard to articulate sometimes how I’m feeling (and also I think reading something can make it sink in more). He found they helped him. And he saved them in his phone and often goes back to read them if I’m struggling to again get a better insight.

Here for you Sapphire. Xx

[Emmy.]

Thought... my psychiatrist, at a recent session, asked me “do you actually want to get better” and it’s something that’s stuck with me since I saw him and then today reading through someone’s thread I saw it get asked on there.

It’s a strange question isn’t it, of course you say “yes” cause you know that’s the right answer and it is really what you want. But at the same time because I hate myself I also feel I don’t deserve to be better. So if I hate myself I shouldn’t want to get better right?? That’s where self-sabotage comes in I suppose. And my self-harm behaviours. A way to punish my body for all that I’ve done wrong and for being all certain people once wanted. I honestly don’t know where I’m going with this, it’s just a thought. I wanted to write it down. Sorry.