I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

[Emmy.]

I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.

So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).

2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!

Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).

Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.

Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.

It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.

I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.

[Music_Freak]

Gawd blimey my phone typing is bad lately...it's like I'm typing with elephant legs...

(I hope that visual put a smile on your face Emmy - you deserve to smile!)

[Chloe_M]

Hey Em,

i love essential oils lol. They really calm me down, hope they do the same for you xx

its okay to take some time for yourself. You can't be helping people all the time, if it was possible I would, but it's not, so please relax and know that this is your time to post for you. It's your time to be helped. And we are here 😊

The doctor is helping you. I agree it would be hard going by yourself, but just remember that the doctor is there to help you. I would be there for you if I could. Will be thinking of you at 11:45 ❤️

Sending you strength and love and support.

Chloe x

[Ggrand]

Hello Emmy,

Good luck today at the Drs,

Please Emmy don't put yourself down, youvare no way at all selfish, your a kind, caring, compassionate and lovely person, who like us all are struggling, When I am in a BP downer my posts are very scarce, but I still care for others here, we all understand and we all need time out when we are struggling..

Deep breathes before you leave your house, and please if you give yourself time to drive safely, if you need to cry or regtound yourself do so, but pull over first...Have a safe trip, and always be kind and compassionate to yourself, you are important to us all.

Kind thoughts and a hug, 🤗, holding your hand today..

Grandy

[startingnew]

Hi Emmy

i hope todays Gp appr went well for you xox

[Music_Freak]

Is anyone else concerned about how Emmy went today. It's 6pm (SA time) and she hasn't posted.

Hopefully she's relaxing with hubby and puppy and is feeling great enough to not post 🙂

I'm probably WAY over reacting because I was at the dentist earlier and know what these types of appointments can do to the nerves.

[Emmy.]

Sorry Narelle. I’m here. I’m ok. Was just exhausted after seeing Doctor today. Had a huge sleep when I got home. So sorry to have worried you. Xxxxxxx

[Emmy.]

Hi Chloe. Thanks for your message. What you said re the doctor is so true - they’re there to help me. I kept telling myself that on the drive down (doctor is one hour away). Kept saying “I want to be better. And my doctor wants me better”. For so long I’ve buried my head in the sand when it comes to my health so the fact I went I’m feeling a little proud of myself (may feel arrogant but oh well lol). I think that perhaps me going is me thinking that I’m worth getting better. So perhaps in a way is a little bit of self love. Perhaps a weird way to think about it.

Yeah I use essential oils a lot to calm me too (especially love taking time away with me when I’m out of my comfort zone). Also like using oils like orange when I need a bit of an energy boost!!

Thanks again for a kind message and saying you’d go with me if you could ❤️ Big hugs x

[Music_Freak]

I'm so glad you rested after being so upset. Long sleeps are wonderful for the soul when their needed.

I'm the queen of overthinking, don't mind me

[Emmy.]

Thanks for all your messages Grandy. I actually really felt everyone’s support today. And even though I had a panic attack in the waiting room (embarrassing) at least I went and got my health issues looked at. I was really open with my doctor re mental health also - normally probably tell him as little as possible. Always think I’m going to get in trouble when I see him (told him that too lol). Told me what I kept reassuring myself of on the drive down. “I want to be better. And he wants me better”. And he agreed with that. He’s seen me since I was 8. I use to babysit his kids. My Mum worked with him. He comforted me at my Mums funeral. So he’s almost more than a doctor. He said he just wants the best for me. Told him about the attack in the waiting room. I was fine on the drive down so that was good. Put on some nice music. And afterwards I met one of my sisters for lunch to debrief. So was nice having her support too. Was super tired when I got home though, all the emotions plus 2 hrs of driving. But now I’ve rested I feel good. Proud of myself that I went. And to give myself a praise is a big deal I think for me. Was going to stop off and buy myself some sunflowers I saw for sale on the side of the road as a little gift to myself but just laughed and kept driving. “Don’t go overboard in the praise to yourself Emmy”. Lol. Thanks for holding my hand today. ❤️

[Emmy.]

Shows you care - so thank you ❤️