I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

[Zenobia]

A long term enduring amazing friendship at work changed when we started working more closely together. He is married with young children. I am single with an adult child. His marriage was dysfunctional with constant fighting and arguing. Everyone at work is aware of his marital problems and believe him to be a victim of domestic violence.

We developed the most amazing bond and friendship. There was never enough time in our day to finish a thought or conversation. We truly met each other on every level. He is the most rational, ethical, kind, gentle man I have ever known. We decided to progress our relationship and started a brief affair, but the sex wasn't that important. We just wanted time together. The future we planned, the love we declared! OMG it was intense. He articulated his love for me in amazing beautiful words every day. He inspired me to dream every day. He is truly amazing. Everyone at work loves him.

He is honestly my soul mate. We share eveything emotionally and intellectually and he believed this too.

Then his wife discovered some text messages. She took his phone and control of all his communication options. She gave him her phone so that she can monitor his location every second they are apart. She drives him to & from work. He has no other friends or family in Australia.He planned to use his wife's anger to kick him out. Then something changed. They are seeing a counsellor and the counsellor said he needs to rebuild her trust. The isolation he now endures is all part of the trust building. I am allowed no contact. The counsellor has advised he never speak to me again. We currently work at different premises but he now wants to quit his job now.He has told me he no longer loves me and wants to stay with his wife. My mother died last week and he did not contact me at all.

This is my best friend! I am alone, cannot tell anyone what happened, cannot get any support because we had an affair. I can't even tell my family, friends why he's not around. He is depressed but he has made a decsion to stay with her so at least he has a focus and a goal.

The counsellor said all coomunication with me must end. For the first time in my life I am having suicidal thoughts. Do counsellors not need to consider the effect of their advice on third parties? I need to speak to him to understand what has changed and for my own closure. Am I truly that evil that I deserve no consideration in this situation? All the blogs tell me I am in the wrong.

Help!

[Zenobia]

Dear Ross,

I distracted myself by doing paperwork this afternoon and then watched ''Mama Mia". Oh the songs in that, the words, describe my pain and loss... I guess millions have gone through and are going through the same as me. Of course it had a happy ending, after 20 years of loneliness.

I guess I can wait for my happy ending or ... not 🙁

Is there a way to save these pages and beautiful kind words? Would i just copy and paste then in to a word document?

I never want to forget the kindness of strangers.

Good night and I hope the sun shines warmly on all of us tomorrow and gently nourishes our souls.

Zenobia

[Broken_Biscuit_Blues]

Divorce is no big deal if the marriage is childless, but when children are involved they get hurt.

You should not have become involved with a married man with kids, you did the wrong thing and you are now paying the price.

[Broken_Biscuit_Blues]

I know that sounds harsh but I have seen this first hand.Many years ago when I was working as a labourer building houses my boss left his wife and ran off with a younger woman he met at the gym.

I witnessed how much pain and confusion it brought to his then twelve year old daughter who simply could not understand what the hell was going on.

As it was karma kicked in, A couple of years later the gym girl gave him the flick and the divorce cost him lots of money and he ended up living in a rented house.

Two things you can take from this, firstly if this bloke was keen on you there are bound to be others so that should give you some confidence and secondly stay away from married men with kids because one way or another people get hurt.

[white knight]

Hi again zenobia

Re: "I was wondering too... is this who he really is? Is he selfish and I didn't notice because we were so in love? Has the decision to return to his wife and ignore my feelings so totally a selfish act or does he feel he has no choice?"

From this males viewpoint he isnt selfish and the love he has had is genuine. But, he cannot risk talking to you for any length of time because he has made a very tough decision and he knows that you could get upset, he could get upset and above all the promises he has made to his wife will be broken. You love him for many reasons and I guess his genuine attitude is one of them. In order to keep his promises he cant contact you. Release him to the life he's chosen.

This is so tough on you but, love can be replaced with love.

I've proven it 3 times now. Force yourself to go on that next date and see what happens.

Tony WK

[Moonstruck]

How you going this morning Zenobia? hey, look at me...."you didn't do the "wrong thing"". If anyone did "the wrong thing" it was your lover. He was the married one with other commitments, not you. (I believe you were unattached at the time, hope I got that right)....anyway...long story short my dear girl......the last thing you need is any kind of "guilt" to carry along with your heartache. DON'T FEEL GUILTY. You loved another person with all your heart.....that's all. And while not able to declare or continue to openly display his love for you any longer - he probably loved you dearly as well. Hold onto that, hold your head up high and bravely march into your future. I understand. xo

[ro63]

Hi Zenobia, I hope you enjoyed the movie ,it is good to watch a feel good movie it is a nice distraction which we all need sometimes especially one with a happy ending yours is coming it will arrive when you least expect it ,have a great day ,best wishes Ross.

[Zenobia]

Yes Broken biscuits you are very harsh.

Of course hindsight says I should not have gotten involved. However, after years of friendship, of watching the turmoil of his marriage, of seeing him in tears because of his violent dominating wife's actions. Of all his work colleagues advising him that it is time to move on, after he admitted he was a victim of domestic violence. Of him having the fear of what their violent, tumultuous relationship was doing to the kids, he described them as going totally silent and hide when they fight. Then he began to develop an exit plan. He anticipated having custody of the kids because she is so irrational even forgetting to feed them.

His marriage was over as far as he was concerned. I was the only friend he had, He has no family in Australia, only hers. His wife has ensured that he is always close to home. His wife has made him turn down work when he was unemployed and a fantastic opportunity came up for him when one of our managers put in a good word for him.

I did not break up that marriage. I know this and for that I take no blame no matter what you say.

He has such a fear of her, she says 'get your hair cut' and he does. She constantly insults him and once told me how stupid he was in front of him. And yet he is the most intelligent gentle kind man I have ever met. His fear translated to total capitulation when his wife discovered that we had let our friendship go too far. She drives him to and from work now and took his phone off him and gave him hers so she can track him. His manager at work now has to speak to his wife to get him to call her now as no one has the phone number of the phone she gave him.

You know, she thought he had visited a prostitute once and she thought it was hilarious and giggled for days. But knowing he had a real relationship threatened her control and now he has decided to stay with her.

There were many times I advised him that they get counselling and if not as a couple then at least individually . She is obviously suffering too but has refused every suggestion he has ever made because he is apparently 'too stupid' to know what he is talking about. Of course she has good points too.

Her retired parents seem to have the same relationship where her father is also completely dominated and sits quietly all day not speaking to anyone.

To be cont.

[Zenobia]

So broken biscuits, not only was he the light on my horizon, I was his beacon too. Do you honestly believe that his children are in a good situation now? He told me recently that everything in their house is now broken. I am so worried and scared for ALL of them. So much of my grief is also fear for them.

I had said many many times to him, that if he could be happy with his wife I would walk away. Even now, if I thought he was happy, I would still be grieving and feeling sorry for myself but would not have a fear for his and the kids well being and how far she will go.

So broken biscuits, I am paying a huge huge price and I should have just stayed his friend but we made a mistake and the price he is paying is much higher!

Thanks for your perspective though, it is exactly what I have been fighting against as the other woman.

Zenobia.

[Zenobia]

Hi Ross and Moonstruck,

They have published my posts out of order but guess what?

I am OK with broken biscuits accusations because although it is exactly what our society says, the people on this forum have reflected a totally different attitude. An attitude that should reflect across our community.

It is the love and kindness that I have found here that has given me the strength to argue back and defend myself. His harsh words did not hurt me at all because I think you have all given me the confidence and perspective I need to be able to get on with day to day life. I am just getting by but nothing he said sent me backwards, if at all, I am more determined than ever to get on in life without guilt and blame.

Yes I admit, hindsight would have probably led us down a different path. We should have waited for his relationship to have formally ended first, but guess what? Love is a terribly overwhelming force and we gave in.

Thanks my friends,

Zenobia xxx

[Zenobia]

Yes moonstruck, I am free to love whom I choose, although it's not often a choice is it?

🙂