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I am the 'other woman' and I'm not evil.

Zenobia
Community Member

A long term enduring amazing friendship at work changed when we started working more closely together. He is married with young children. I am single with an adult child. His marriage was dysfunctional with constant fighting and arguing. Everyone at work is aware of his marital problems and believe him to be a victim of domestic violence.

We developed the most amazing bond and friendship. There was never enough time in our day to finish a thought or conversation. We truly met each other on every level. He is the most rational, ethical, kind, gentle man I have ever known. We decided to progress our relationship and started a brief affair, but the sex wasn't that important. We just wanted time together. The future we planned, the love we declared! OMG it was intense. He articulated his love for me in amazing beautiful words every day. He inspired me to dream every day. He is truly amazing. Everyone at work loves him.

He is honestly my soul mate. We share eveything emotionally and intellectually and he believed this too.

Then his wife discovered some text messages. She took his phone and control of all his communication options. She gave him her phone so that she can monitor his location every second they are apart. She drives him to & from work. He has no other friends or family in Australia.He planned to use his wife's anger to kick him out. Then something changed. They are seeing a counsellor and the counsellor said he needs to rebuild her trust. The isolation he now endures is all part of the trust building. I am allowed no contact. The counsellor has advised he never speak to me again. We currently work at different premises but he now wants to quit his job now.He has told me he no longer loves me and wants to stay with his wife. My mother died last week and he did not contact me at all.

This is my best friend! I am alone, cannot tell anyone what happened, cannot get any support because we had an affair. I can't even tell my family, friends why he's not around. He is depressed but he has made a decsion to stay with her so at least he has a focus and a goal.

The counsellor said all coomunication with me must end. For the first time in my life I am having suicidal thoughts. Do counsellors not need to consider the effect of their advice on third parties? I need to speak to him to understand what has changed and for my own closure. Am I truly that evil that I deserve no consideration in this situation? All the blogs tell me I am in the wrong.

Help!

147 Replies 147

Hi Zenobia,

It is so wonderful to read your words. I'm sure you will do your Mum proud as you read out your eulogy. My father in law had an upbringing very much like your Mum.

There may be moments in your days ahead where you will feel hurt and confused along with the days when you feel strong and in control. Remember this is a place where you can always be yourself, and like you mentioned, a place where you will feel validated and acknowledged.

There is a thread here called Bouquet of Pearls where people can mention others who have written something beneficial and meaningful to people who are suffering.

I want to give you a virtual bunch of white roses for your strength in all you have been through recently.

Cheers to you from Mrs. Dools

Oh, one more thing,

Suggesting this forum to anyone whom you think is in need of sharing or help with mental health issues would be beneficial for that person.

Your friend may do well to know that people care how he is feeling .

Mrs. D

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Zenobia

Thanks for letting us know how you are going.

I am so pleased you have found peace here. Your mother was an amazing person to endure what she did and to be so balanced and happy.

I am sorry to hear about your daughter but am please she now has a diagnosis.

You sound so different than in your first post.

I can see you are calmer and have worked out a plan for your future.

As Mrs Dools said this is a place when you can be yourself and it is here when you need it. The support is always here.

Take care

quirkywords

Ken1
Community Member

Yay I'm so so thrilled to hear you describe such positive thought patterns and decisions for yourself! You go sister!

I actually do find that quite amusing - I had a little giggle. Not sure what that means but appreciate that you can find humour in it!

Always here when you need. 🙂

Zenobia
Community Member

Dear Mrs Dools, Croix, Geoff, Ken1 and quirky words,

I truly believe that my change in outlook truly started here. To have my feelings validated, without judgement, truly made a world of difference. Although I cannot speak to those who matter most to me about this, you have shown me what a wonderful community this forum is, which is just a reflection, I believe, of the greater community in which we are lucky enough to live in.

I spoke to my friend today and relieved him of the burden of worrying about me but also extracted a promise from him that if anything were to happen, any crisis, at any time in the future, he is to contact me any time day or night. I also told him that although my feelings haven't changed, my priority was his health and wellbeing - everything else can be dealt with at a later time.

Although I have some peace now - the anger, the desire for revenge or just the need to make him feel what he did to me, seems to have abated. I am still so so hurt and on the edge of tears often, but I am no longer consumed by it. My feelings towards him are unlikely to ever change, just get buried a little deeper every day.

Croix, thank you for offering me hope for love again... not much I can say to that but at this time it is impossible to fathom but it is there in my heart and I have told myself that I won't ignore it if it ever comes knocking again. Geoff, my friend feels so guilty for betraying his wife, I wouldn't be surprised if he endured a lifetime of hell because he feels he needs to be punished for what he has done. I hope one day his counsellor speaks to him alone, without his wife present, and asks him questions about his guilt and puts forward the notion that he too is entitled to happiness.

Which ever way things turn out, I will hope for his health and safety, wish that he comes back to me when he has truly accepted his marriage is over, but I will not wait, hiding in a depressing dark corner. I will live a life without that connection of mind and soul but a life worth living nonetheless.

I look forward to regularly perusing these pages and hope to use my experience of my darkest moments to perhaps help others as you have all helped me.

Thank you for the sunshine.🌞

Zenobia.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Zenobia~

I'm glad it's getting better for you, I'm also glad you are sticking around. You gave some beautiful practical advice today.

Croix

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Zenobia, a lovely reply and thank you so very much, and please remember a good cry can also help you along the way, and I could never hide it myself, that I've had many an occasion where I have cried for hours, and never feel as though it's a weakness for a male. Geoff.

Hi Zenobia,

Wishing you well on your journey of life and discovering who you are and who you can be.

It is also wonderful that you feel like sticking around and being open to assiting others. Like you mentioned, being acknowledged and validated can make a huge difference!

Cheers from Mrs. D

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Thanks for your wonderful reply and for keeping us up to date.

I am glad you have some peace and you can move forward. You have shown you are a compassionate and understanding human. It is caring of you to want to help others with your experience. That is what makes this forum so helpful.

You are on a journey as Mrs D says, and hope we can share some of it.

Take care

quirky

Thank you all,

This forum has helped me on my way. Although I can see the sunshine now, I still have difficulties feeling its warmth.

I still have a ways to go... this is my first step.

Zenobia x